The defiant one...........

I have posted lately about the battle of wills that Fred and I are having. It is always worse after he gets back from Dicks house because he does not follow though. Tonight has been no different. I got home from work and made dinner. Everything was good. He was running around playing with Freida. He asks me mommy am i being a good boy? And i replied "Yes Fred you are being a VERY good boy!" To which he is very happy... then twenty seconds later he flips over the back of the couch. I say are you supposed to do that? He looks at me and says "No" I say don't do it again. Then he almost slams Freida's fingers in the door he is NOT supposed to open and close. I yell.. Do NOT do that!! Okay sorry he says. Then he gets up on the couch and jumps. So i say thet's it.. time out. I put him on the couch. Next thing i know he is on the floor. I put him back on the couch and say.. Fred.. If you get off this couch again you will go for a time out in your room.

He says okay. then he is on the floor again. So I get up and in walking over there he starts screaming that he doesn't want to go in his room.... i take him by the hand to his room... put him in his bed and tell him he is in time out and not to get down. I tell him if he gets out of the bed then he will have to go night-night. Does he understand. Yes he says... so i say "Fred what will happen if you get out of your bed?" He says "I will have to go night night"

So i come out here again. Then i hear the toilet flush. I go into the bed room and cant find him. Where are you? i ask... He stands up in the laundry hamper in there room.. "What are you doing?" "I had to go pee pee really bad mommy." Back in your bed... DO NOT get out again. or you WILL go to sleep" Next thing i know he is out here again. So we went nicely back to his room put him in his bed and i closed the shades and curtains. he is of course freaking out... I say "Fred what did mommy say would happen if you got out of your bed?" He says "I would have to go night night" "and did you get out of your bed Fred?" "Yes"... "Okay.. then you are going to bed" (Screaming now) "BUT I DONT WANT TOOOO!!!" "Then you will start to listen... if you get out of your bed now you will get spankings... Do you understand" Yes he says.. so i come out here again... my heart breaking the whole way.....

But at the same time knowing that i have to be consistent to break this cycle. Well he got up once to open his door.. spankings and back in bed... then he got out again and said that he had to go to the bathroom (yes he just went ten minutes before) so i let him go then give him spankings and put him back in bed.

Just thought it was to quiet so i went and looked under the door... he was out playing with toys.. so i gave him another spanking put him in his bed and told him good night. He wanted hugs.. which i was going to say no to.. but i hugged him got him to look at me and said "Fred I love you, but you are being bad by not listening to mommy.. Now lay down in your bed and go night night. What will happen if you get out again?" "I will get spankings" he replies crying... so i say i love him good night and leave the room.

This is breaking my heart.. I hope I'm right... that consistency is the key. that if i prove what is and is not allowed here. and what is and is not acceptable to do.. that it will get better.. hopefully soon .... this is horrible on my heart. And please.. oh please.. do not let him get out of his bed again!

How to be a parent...

well it wasn't bad.. i know i know you all told me it wouldn't be. I just figured.. how is someone going to tell me how to take care of my children?? they are MINE. But it was info (as i expected on how to keep the children first in a divorce.. about what not to do in front of them, and warning signs to get them help. It was all pretty common sense i think.. And i think its good they make people do it. Starting Jan 2007 it is mandatory in Illinois to take the class if you have children under 28 and are getting divorced or going through custody issues. Well it wasn't 1000 words as requested but there you go... How to be a better parent in a sucky situation. I do however think it would be more beneficial if you kids were slightly older or if you and your x are having big problems. But hey .. it was just three hours (we got done an hour early) that I'm sure will benefit some child somewhere.

I picked the kids up on Sunday from Dicks house.. sorry Dicks Dads house.... and went to gigis house to get some items i had left there. I had worn a halter top and strapless bra to the family get together earlier that day. I did however forget that the plastic on the bra reacts bad to my skin when it gets hot and sweaty.. so i went running into her house screaming undo my bra.. undo my bra!! went into the bedroom and put on a different bra and a tshirt. I walked out and Fred said to me "Oh mommy.. you look very pretty in your new dress (ie shirt)" I about melted into a puddle... and yes i did give him a pony for it.. it was imaginary but i figure hes to young to know that we don't have room for a real one!!

P.S. thank you all for your comments on "It's okay to remember" there were so many touching ones that made me cry again and again i couldnt thank you all or return commment to you.

Its okay to remember Emma or Ty

This post is dedicated to Lanie.... What you are feeling is normal here is my story.



Back in 2000 I had horrible pains and ended up in the ER.. long story short ends up I have endometriosis. Beginning of 2001 I had a laparoscopy to diagnose and to clean me out as best as they could. I was engaged and living with my fiance.. (know known as Dick) ... We were supposed to be married in May but.. my mom did not trust me to wait till May to try to get prego since I knew that with endo and having just had my lap that my best chances of conceiving were right then. So we got married in March. We ended up getting pregnant on my honeymoon. Found out we were pregnant and got all excited. We picked out names, went baby clothes shopping, looked at patterns, got baby books.... all the exciting things that you do when you find out you are pregnant.



And of course it was all super amplified by the fact that I was worried with the REAL possibility that i wouldn't be able to have children of my own. It had taken us five months to conceive the baby. I went to get blood work to confirm the pregnancy and they called and said they thought the number should be slightly higher so i might not be as far along as they thought so could i come to get blood drawn again (a couple days later) Seemed completely routine so of course i went. Then i got a call that the numbers were not right. So i had to go for daily blood work for about a week if i remember correctly. Then i had to go for an ultrasound.... had that done. Then i had to go on a day that my mom went with me since Dick had to work. Then dr. E (god bless him) came in and told me that they thought that it could be an ectopic pregnancy... ie. tubal pregnancy. which meant that the baby although healthy and living was in my fallopian tube and not my uterus. I begged for a way to try ... just try to dislodge it and put the baby where it should be. he told me that was not possible.



I couldnt deal with it so Dick and I came back a few days later for another ultrasound to be sure. Same result. They wanted to give me a shot to "remove" I cant say the other term... the baby. I cried and cried.. begged for one more day... just one more day for my baby to be in me. That maybe it was a mistake and it was there and just to small to be seen. We left the drs office and went to my moms ( a long long drive) every bump we hit hurt more and more. By the time we were there telling my mom what he had said i was balling at the pain but not wanting anyone to "take" my baby. They ended up convincing me to go to the ER. They had to give me lots of pain meds and the shot to take my baby. I was in the hospital for almost a week i think... allot of its a blur. Ends up my tube was rupturing from the baby's size.

I went home and felt empty... very unpregnant in Lanies words. I wanted my baby.. i felt empty... i felt like i was not going to be able to ever have a baby again. I went into a serious depression for feeling like i had aborted my baby... because i had to go in and say.. yes.. give me the shot and take my baby from me forever. I hated my body... I didn't know what to say or do.. my mom was constantly yelling at me to stop doing things and just sit and rest.. they tried to get me to stay home from work.. but i had nothing at home to stop the thoughts.. nothing to keep me busy.

I could not forget that little blessing that was no longer inside me... the one that was due on 02-02-02 the one that would be named Emma or Tyler.

I have lasting effects.. had to go to fertility drs... took along time to conceive my children.. but i have two GREAT ones. And one little angle watching me from above. I can honestly say that the pain never goes away. If i think on it it hurts so bad i think i must be dying. But you find a way to deal with it. like... on my moms grandchild tree there is an angle bear for my baby. And i give myself one day a year... every Feb 2nd i let myself feel it.. and not feel bad about feeling the pain. It is real... My baby was real. And without anyone realizing I've done it for so many years now. Until now of course... I make a cake every 02-02. And remember.

You will survive. Life will go on. It will get easier.

Yum-O

So I've realized a great new outlet for any depression, anger, or hurt i feel. Cooking. I LOVE to cook. I've always known this and in fact thought multiple times of becoming a cook. But to really do what i wanted I would have had to move to a big city or even Europe... no that wouldn't have been bad... but Dick was there and it was all i saw.

I love to cook new things, different things, use different spices, try foods from different ethnicity's. But alas... Dick didn't like this or that, dint like that kind, or that ingredient. Slowly i slowed down with my love of cooking constantly. Then I went back to work and after being a sahm for three years. and going from that to being a working mom of two babies and a wife. needless to say i kept On core dinners in business!

I am having fun now though. I am currently making hard boiled eggs for egg salad, cooking a chicken for chicken curry salad with grapes and cooking a turkey tenderloin (you know like pork tenderloin... only.. um... not .. pork) asparagus and a great salad with lots of vegis and feta cheese. Yum-O i know. And hey... cooking like this sure beats the brownie incident yesterday... when Gigi and her kidos get here for dinner she better NOT throw it in the garbage anyway!!

So what happened to make me cook so much other than my sheer love of cooking?? Dick called... yup here goes... and states that on Aug. 6th he starts working Mon-Fri (instead of Mon-Thurs) so he will have the kids on his weekend and on the other when he used to get the kids on Thurs night he will come pick them up on two random (non set) days of his choosing at 7 pm and bring them back at 9.... now my kids are early to bed kids since they refuse to sleep in ... anyway.. i said.. why aren't you just picking them up on Fri night instead of Thurs then? and after alot of phony excuses it finally dawns on me. so I said.."Oh then you cant go out on Friday night huh?" And he says ugghh then i would only have like 1/2 day to get stuff done that i need too!! To which i replied SO DO I!! and hung up. for the record he would have one and 1/2 days.... he would only loose (if you can call being with your kids loosing time) Fri night and sat morning. Really pissed me off.

This coming weekend is also the one I was supposed to go with my mom and sis to Galena.. Thanks again dick!! They at least will be going and having a great time ............ wait maybe its next weekend... no its next weekend.. this weekend i get to go to a parenting class!! I'm soooo excited. I mean come on ... sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers who are getting divorced as well being told by an instructor how to be better parents... sounds like a blast... but alas it is required to get the divorce from Dick...

But hey.. I'm going to have some great food!!!

Wow.. heres a depresing one.. sorry

So I will admit i'm a huge avril lavign fan.. even if i cant spell her name corectly... hehe... She has a song "When Your Gone" Its a great song.. but the video makes me cry.. good cry.. and i guess bad cry a little too. There is a scene with an elderly man who has obviously lost his wife. No... not lost as in.. where are you i'm coming to find you!!.. as In She passed away. No no no.. not far far away.. if you dont get it by now you wont.. .anyway... he looks at her pic and almost looses it.. then later in the song it comes back to him and he opens the closet door, reaches in and brushes his hand across all of her clothes.... then takes a dress out, rubs it on his face, smells it, then crys into it.

I want that. I want someone to love me till i'm old and wrinkly. I want someone to love me so much the thought of not being with me physically hurts. I deserve it too. I think. I know.

Even as i'm writing this i'm thinking to myself.. who am i kidding whos gonna want a fat cow like me? followed by the thought.. OOhh.. there is still some brownie left on my plate.. i beter finish it. How does that work.. How can you feel gross.. have just looked at a pic and saw how fat you were.. then eat a peanut butter brownie??

I know i got loverboy.. but not sure if its gonna go much further.. i think he just has to much in his life right now to have a relationship too... which sucks... and i so was not looking for it... just was a coincidence. A great one... hope it doesnt end.. but hey.. what did gigi say.. If it seems to good to be true... it probably is.

Random thoughts

Okay so here are some random thoughts for today....

I decided to splurge and get the kids happy meals for dinner.... Since when do happy meal toys have to be assembled!!!

I am big on table maners and am a stickler for chewing with your mouth closed.... ( i mean gross.. CLOSE ITT) so while eating dinner i told my son to close his mouth while he chewed... he looked at me and full of 10 yr old attitude said "Theres NOTHING in my mouth mommy!! and then chomped his teeth together twice while showing me how he made the noise with no food.

Why are frogs Lucky?? ...............................They get to eat whats bugging them!

Why did the elephants get arrested at the beach??.................. They kept droping their trunks!

Why is there a comercial for tampons on Noggin.. okay its after 4.. its now considered "the N" But still.

Grrr.. my nuckles look like I beat someone up... dam Patient charts anyway!

Is it still swearing if you spell it wrong?

Ugh.. I need to change the channel.. The N.. ewww.. Jesse McCartney is so full of himself.

Why is the Teamwork song from wonderpets going through my head right now?

Oh.. Um .... regarding yestrdays post... Loverboy says i should be carefull who i say that too.. so carefull... however MY response to that was.. "HEY.. I have NO qualms about doing it.. and if someoned does.. let my kids stay at THEIR house!"

Note to self.. if your 2 1/2 year old runs from babysiters house to your house "holding herself" then runs to the potty and comes out telling you she got some peepee on her pants shes sorry... check the floor too... and not 20 minutes later when your son is standing on the toilet because the floor is wet. ;-)

When did my kids get so big?? I swear they were just born!

Why is it i prefer a guy whos a little larger... but still am mesmerized by washbord abs??

Should i really tell Freida.. "Leave that sticker on .. its her mermaid bra."

I sooo did not think this attitude would apear out of nowhere at age 4.. I thought i had a few years before i'd have to think about how to nip it in the but.

I love loverboys ambition to work.. and slow is good.. but I wish I could see him more.

lipsticks should have a warning label that reads "WARNING>..... Color may appear different than appears on model if you have a different colored complexion, or hair color, or blush color.. etc"

You know what.. all you readers are big girls. I'm going to call him Dick instead of Richard.

How the FUCK did Dicks sun glasses just come out of the kids bed room??? I mean they brought them out (the kids that is) ... But how did they get IN here??

How many times do i have to put Fred in his bed to get him to stay there??

How many days of putting him back in his bed again and again and again will it take for him to get the hint?

Well.. hope you enjoyed your thoughts for tonight... if you have answers to any above questions please feel free to answer!

Mission (nearly) Impossible.. Staring: Fred and Freida

well.. I've come to a solution for my kids getting up at five am.

First of all I should explain what goes on at this time of the morning.

One of them wakes up.. jumps out of bed before they could possibly fall back asleep... and wakes the other one up. After this they proced to leave their bedroom mission imposible style... and go to the kitchen... all of which is done in a manner that wouldnt wake up the lightest sleeping bull dog/guard dog ever..

Anyway.. my kids... prison stripe uniforms... mission impossible music playing.. break into the kitchen get their loot... then procede back to the bedroom (ie prison chamber) and close the door.

Then in true convict style they proced to hide there findings in drawers, under bed, in toy box.... most of it anyway.. if said finding is a tuperware container of frosted mini wheat.. it must stay in the middle of the room to be eaten.. oh i forgot to mention. Convicts can aparently not eat out of containers. So the mini wheats must be emtied out onto the floor............... bottom of the bag crumbs and all.

Then when they cant find any more good pieces they must ransack the entire room to find other hidden food.

So in other words.. when i woke up there were two new bricks of cheese, a tub of mini wheats, jar of grape jelly, jar of salsa, pudding cup and assorted plastic silverware in there room... oh yea and a empty fruit cup. Now thank god the salsa and jelly werenot opened... but some of the pudding did get on the new carpet in the apartment......

I am at wits end as i can not get this to stop.. and it has progresivly gotten worse till the morning in question above. SOOOOOO... as an alternative to duct taping my kids to their beds... when they were in bed asleap last night i fliped the door nob. Keep in mind it is a push button so i can get in in less than one second if i need too. And there are multiple fire alarms so they are in NO danger by doing this. But seriously.. SERIOUSLY.. duct tape was the only alterntative. It was kind of amusing to wake up this morning to two children who realized they could not go wherever they wanted to. I proceded to go in there room, sit them down, and tell them if they would stay in there beds or rooms till i came to get them Mommy would not have had to do this... and that since it was only 6 am it was time to get back into bed and go back to sleep.

Amen.. maybee my morning will not start on such a horible note, with needing so much cleaning, a horibly upset mommy, or misbehaving children. Wish me luck... although this time i might not need it! I have more than luck on my side right now... I've got a door lock!

GIRL POWER!!! ROAR!!

Before this blog begins ... drum roll please... Please scroll down to the bottom of the page... TH ATS RIGHT PEOPLE.... I'M A THOUSANDARE!!!!!...... ((cough, cough))... sorry.. better now.. but seriously.. thank you all.

Now.. ON WITH THE BLOG!!

I had a family gathering today. My moms side of the family does not gather for Christmas anymore.. everyone has allot going on , kids are grown, and my grandparents are in Arizona. So in lieu of trying to get together and missing people... we just do a large gathering each summer. Sometimes even twice. And there is no pressure of getting dressed up, or giving gifts. Its really actually quite nice. I was a little leery of today. Not many of them knew about Richard and I splitting up. (that's right... Dick was the chosen name.. hehe) My grandma did not feel it was her place to tell anyone. Which was fine. Just made it awkward this far out. HOWEVER.. my suspicions were confirmed that chasing the highs.. (see right) is my cousin! Which i think rocks since it is one of my fav blogs... soooo funny. So we talked about that. And it helped some people know about Richard and I since shes been reading my blog. It was nice to have some people just offer compassion and understanding. But you know what... it was just nice to see my family. You realize as you get older how important it is to keep in touch with them. The problem with that is that by the time you realize this... most are older, grown, moved away.... makes it a little difficult.

There was something else funny that happened.... I found out that in my family.... About the same time Richard was thrown out by me... My cousin (not highs) left her boyfriend, my aunt left her husband, and my other aunt quit smoking... DO DOD DODOODODOOD.. that was supposed to be the Twilight Zone theme. Doesn't come out so well in type apparently. Anyways. I think its very odd that so many of us related had such huge things in our life occur simultaneously. Most of which had to do about the men in our lives who have been around for quite some time. And hey.. the decision to quit smoking is just as serious so i figured it should make the list... Way to go Ro Ro!! For that mater.. Way to go all of us women!! We are woman here us roar!! We refuse to be stepped on , used, abused or taken for granted!! And you know what... we are going to get it.

I hope everyone can lean in hug someone around you and support them.... Its not easy.. but its gonna be worth it girls.

Most boring blog ever!

Okay so I've been sitting here in front of the computer for 10 minutes now. Three minutes ago I got up and got a handful of peanut MM's .. it didn't give me any inspiration.... But they were still good to eat!! I must have writers block. Good thing i don't do this for a living. Just for all of you to come read... which is just as important to me... so lets see.....

My son is having one of those days.. one of the "I know everything so obviously i DON'T have to listen to you" days. Much to my chagrin of course. So naturally by this time of the day I have raised my voice a few times and my patience is getting thin. After telling my son "NO.. do NOT go down the hallway.. your sister is sleeping." And then him proceeding to go down there anyway. I sat waiting for him to come back here so i could reprimand him choosing to wait so i didn't wake Freida up. Then he comes out and he bets in trouble. he then goes out to the porch and I hear him mumbling under his breath. Then i hear hims Say.. mommy i don't love you anymore cause you are being grumpy. He then proceeds to walk over and tell me.. "Mommy.. you should not be grumpy to me.. it's not nice!"

Excuse me?? did someone just shake the universe like a snow globe?? Who here is the parent and who the child?? Which of us is four and which is well.. twenty something...?? I did a double take.. took a deep breath... then said "Fred.... Mommy is not being grumpy... YOU need to listen and then you will not get into trouble! Now if you have any other questions take a quarter and call someone who cares!!!!!" Okay okay.. the last part wasn't in there.. but come on seriously.. when did he get old enough to think he could say things like that???

Geesh... well except for that my day off was pretty good. Well a day off in some sense i guess... since it was a day off from my day job.. but you never get a day off from your all the time job.. you know.. mommy. But that's okay. Lover boy came down and met me for lunch today. Was nice to see him... been a few days. Hes working allot right now helping out with his dads company.

Trying DESPERATELY to figure out a way to get my kids to stay in their room... they get up and don't wake me.. and I don't hear them! I came out today and they were watching TV..which would be fine.. but they got out the chocolate syrup and apparently decided to cook something in cups with spoons. Which then dripped chocolate on my carpet!!! i used oxy clean and got most of it out at least... and they gave the cat orange juice and a straw in his water dish. Guess Apollo did not like it cause it was still full. I cant lock their door, I cant flip the knob, i cant use a baby gate since they can climb it.... about at my wits end since they got up at FIVE FRIGGING AM today!! guh.. don't know what I'm going to do.

Well now that you have read the most boring blog ever!! I bet you are glad to be done reading about my incredibly boring day!! Sorry... dang writers block anyway............

Dahlilah goes under the Umbrelalalla

Okay so I've recently been introduced to LimeWire from Loverboy (previously known as Mr. No-Name-For-Now.. and yes i chose the name from Chasing the Highs... Running from the Lows's blog.. check her out shes hilarious!). Yes GiGi I know you told me about it first but he actually got me there so sorry.. he gets credit for it :-) Anyway.. I always go on and set my que with songs to play and am ADICTED. However.. this has gotten me thinking... Songs mean so much in lives. I bet any of you out there now could tell me a song and where you were when you heared it.. or your favorite memory of the song.... no mater if after the moment things went sour or HORIBLY sour.. that song memory still sticks with you... so heres mine...

of course it must start with Clint Black's "State of Mind" for the line "Aint it funny how a melody can bring back a memory" I mean how many of these songs does THAT bring to mind.

Marcy Plaground-"Sex N' Candy" -- siting in Chem Com class at Streator high while my big crush walked in

Alabama-"How do you know its Love"-- Being proposed too

Toby Keith--"Shoulda Been a Cowboy"-- My dad and my silly dance

Janet Jackson--"Nasty Boys"-- Ms. Jo and I driving in her car "Wilma"

En Vogue--"Don't let go"-- My best guy friend playing it for me before he left permenantly for Florida

Kelly Clarkson--"Where is your Heart"-- My song for the way i felt twords the end of my mariage

Grease--"Summer Lovin"-- Ms. Jo our highschool frind suzanne and I dancing like crazy in my living room before going to the high school musical

dalilah and Umbrela-- GiGi from this weekend ;-)

David Allen Coe--"You never even call me by my name"--I was like 10 and that weirdo drunk guy was trying to get me to dance with him (ewww... just threw up a little)

Mark McGuinn--"If the world was mine"-- The song I sang to Fred as a baby

Avril--"Ska8r Boy"--I know it was retarted dont ask

TLC-"I don't want no scrubs"-- I hated this song to death.. and yet everyone thought it was hilarious so would always play it!

Faith Hill--"Someone elses dream"--Siting in my cedar closet "private room"

Rascall Flats--"Stand"-- My power song on bad days lately

Okay well thats just a few.. but some of my strongest runers..... Feel free to steal the idea for your own!! I love hearing what songs are other peoples reminders

Now accepting applications...............

Guh.. what is with men!! This post is regarding Mr. Could-have-been. I do need to get a new name for him.. accepting recommendations... any like.. Mr. Sperm-Donor or Mr. AssHole ..

Anyway... My lovely mama wanted to take my sis and i to Galena for a weekend. Of course it ended up being that the only weekend that would work for everyone was one of my kids weekends. I didn't think he'd agree to take them since he is an ass about having them at all! But to my surprise he said Okay.. to which i replied "what did you say" he told me that he would want to do something sometime too and would hope that i would help him out so yes he would take them. I was ecstatic... thrilled.... it has been so long since the three of us reconnected..

So Fred and Freida were gone this weekend at his house. And i get a call on my cell phone from him asking when I want him to bring the kids home. And of course i say... 6 pm.. that's always what time you drop them off. And then he starts telling me that hes been trying to call me all day cause he wanted to drop them off early. I wasn't home (which i told him) I was at my dads all day swimming and relaxing (that i didn't tell him). Well what is it you need to do I ask.. to which the response is i just have some things to do and they've been asking for you since like noon................................... Now wait a minute....... He only has them 4 days every two weeks....... They are saying no such thing..... he just knows (from the past) that this fake excuse will always get me to say okay. But you know what... Mommy needs a time out too sometimes.... and damn it he is never with them.. he can see them! So i said well I'm not home so it'll have to be six. Which yes was the truth. And he says (in an ignorant tone) "Come on its all ready after 3:30!!!!" I then reply... "you are right.. so I'll see you in about two hours!" and hung up.. hehehehehehehe. So i know that wasn't necessary but seriously... he never sees them and he gave up all rights to me as a babysitter when he put his paws on other women.

So he brings them home tonight and says... um yea I'm not going to be able to take the kids that weekend... WHAT??!!? i say.. (my mom had just told me not even 5 minutes before that she made the reservations since he said he would take them three days before) "Yea (he says) Someone asked me to do something so I'm going to do that instead.... Oh and btw.. on Thurs (the next time he gets the kids for only one night) I'm not going to get them till after 6 or so instead of Noon like usual cause i have something to do.

Seriously.. you know the song Goodbye Earl?? I'm thinking about buying some beans!!! Okay maybee not totally seriously... but it sounds good.

And the Jessica Award goes to.....

Oh my goodness.. its been forever i know... no blog thurs or friday.. geesh... I'm going crazy so i know you all miss me like crazy!!!

so much for me to catch you up on... lets see... Dakota.. go to High on Life Low on Coffee to the right.. Dakota is her nephew and she has been giving updates.

Awards.. as you have probably seen i have been given two awards by Tracy!! Now my sis says they are the same thing.. but i don't care.. i got TWO!!! I have not had the chance to bestow my awards on my five pick... So as you all know if you have received this before you just rock more... if not here you go.....And all get both awards (Sorry.. I cant figure out how to link you so you'll have to click on them from my blog roll to read how awesome they are)

1)Pieces of My heart-- although Gigi is new to this.. she writes with a extreme rawness. She says it how it is, lays it all out there, and doesn't sugar coat things. She is very refreshing.

2) Jenster's Mussings-- Jen has been through so much and with every hit that keeps on coming she just pushes back. She is very inspiring if you have medical issues and if you don't to realize it could be worse and if she can be that strong so can I.

3)High on Life, Low on Coffee-- Ms. Jo has been absent lately but you'll understand why if you go and read... when shes there though her posts are hilarious.

4)Rambling Thoughts of the Neverending Mind-- Tracy is always funny and real. her posts will never let you down for a good laugh.

5)Gray Matter Matters--Gray used to write for a living.. now she writes for all of us.. and is like getting an expensive publication for free!!

Beware of the Beast

So i will admit that i got the idea for this blog from the title of one of my faves.... My Minivan is Faster than Yours. I felt it was time to come clean and tell you about my ride.

I own a car. Free and clear.. alllll mine. No car payment. No reason to get expensive insurance. In my name alone. Its a great feeling. Now i was forced into getting a new car when my old one died. In the mean time while i was looking and saving up money i was borrowing my Dads 1980's Black conversion van which i looked so fierce in. Anyway so i was saving money up... looking around... problem is i ended up with a whopping $1400 to get one with. Which I'm sure your thinking.. What you couldn't get a Rolls Royce with that?? Sorry if that was spelled wrong.. obviously could NEVER own one hehe. I was obviously in a hurry and had to find one soon... found some cars but they had TONS of thousands of gazillions of miles on them. I checked in dealerships but they (unbeknownst to me) do not keep cars that they can sell for usually under $4,000ish.

Then i found it

The car of my dreams!!!! Okay so maybe not so much since in my dreams i drive an S-type Jaguar.... but one i could afford, was in great shape, and had room for kids, working air. I was sold. So i came back the next day and signed the papers. And he was mine.

He who you ask? now I'm a car namer... and most of my cars have been She's... but i just can not bring myself to call it a she. Why?? okay okay I'll tell you what it is...... it is an sweet 1985 Mercury Grand Marquis. For those of you wondering what this car is i suppose i can give it to you in layman's terms. It is a HUGE ass station wagon with fake wood as the color!! Now contain yourselves... i know you are jealous but come on its a one of a kind car and I'm sure you will not be able to find one.. even though i know you are dying to get one of your own!

Now in reality its a good car. Only two spots of rust which are inside the far back door so you cant see them. the upholstery is in great shape. The only real thing wrong looks wise is the back half of the fabric on ceiling is gone. and the front is falling off. Now for the two questions i always get... Yest the back window goes down, and no (much to my demise) there is no far back seat just a cargo space.

Now when i said that i should have specified i meant looks wise. and i thought it was good mechanics wise... lets see.... it was going through an amount of gas i thought was normal for such a car..... till i found out my gas tank was leaking!!! and for that mater must have been when i bought it! The passengers front and back seat windows don't go down. The air for some unknown reason has stopped working. Oh yea... and it spews oil all over inside my hood!!! Like i said it is a quality piece of art.. a classic... lol

Then comes the mater of what i was to call it. Now i know you all thought it... the natural name is The Woody. And this is what i referred to it for a long time.. however i think i was scaring mothers with small children.... understandably... if i heared someone going around saying things like "I drive the woody" "I have a HUGE woody" "No No that big woody is totally mine" "I love to ride the woody" i would steer my children away too I'm sure!! Now some people call it the Brady Mobile.... just didn't stick with me. So i call it "The Beast"..... "Did you see my beast" "I've got the beast want me to drive?" "You HAVE to take a ride in the beast!"

So there it is... My Beast! ;-)

Ranting and Raving.. okay just ranting

You know what i hate?? i hate when people take it out on YOU that they are having a bad day!! And i think hate is a quite strong word.. but it fits here. Today at work my boss got po'd because two patients went to two different locations... um hellooo... this is my fault how?? when i make an appointment i ask which office?? and then at the end of the call i say okay your apt is at such and such in the Morris office.. blah blah blah. So you know.. one came to the right place the other was seen by the other dr... hence making dr A loose money from his patient to dr. B. guh... let me remind you... this is MY fault.. apparently if i would have reminded them ONE MORE TIME... then remind you the seven i already did...... they would be in the right place.

So that started off a whole afternoon of "fits" shall we call them... yes fits works for me. The only other way to adequately describe them would be hormonal fluctuations.... and all you women out there I'm sure agree men DO have a time of the month.... What need me to prove it to you?

Exhibit A:
i walked in to clean a room and every single instrument that had been in the tray... was ALL over the table!! which in turn means that i have to re-wash, re-sterilize them before i can put them back into the cold sterilization liquid....... Thanks... you really taught me there!!

Exhibit B:
Dr. asks me to bring pt inserts for shoes. Shocking i know but two feet + two shoes=two inserts! I know ... shocking. So i go to supply room to get said supply and open box... and there is only one insert.. apparently someone took one out and proceeded to leave box. Which means that i did not order any extra sets since we give these kind out... oh i don't know...... three times a year!! So i bring pt a pair that will work instead and I'm done. I'm walking in back past the storage room and there is the Dr. ransacking my supply shelf... WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY OF SIZE A? We do not need that many... and we have NONE of the size we need. No mind you I did not order size a.. they came from when another office closed to me!! but you know.. shocker.. my fault again!!

SO in conclusion.... Note to self..... don't take your crappy ass day out on someone else!!! It's not their fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.. I feel better!

P.S. High on Life Low on Coffee is back... see link to right. ;-)

Mr. No-Name....... So far

So. I've met a guy. Don't worry. S-L-O-W is the name of the game. I have not picked a "Blog Name " for him yet. We met by coincidence through a friend. I know what you are all thinking oh oh... rebound. But i don't know. It is really strange. From the moment i met him there was a strange "click" that i never knew was possible.

We are so alike but different as well. We often say the same thing at the same time. Have common interests. We both have kids. He is amazingly funny... I never knew i could laugh so much. And you know what... It feels AMAZING to be wanted in every way. Go figure huh! He makes me feel attractive, smart, beautiful, sexy, funny... and so much more.

He is so handsome, generous, laid back, hard worker, great dad, humble, grounded and genuine. He can cook, has owned houses, provides for his children above and beyond, has a great sense of style, and did i mention a great sense of humor. He looks adorable in his glasses. He has also been hurt by someone he though he loved. We understand each other in that way as well.

For those of you who have read my other posts you know how i feel about it... so no he has not meet my kids and wont meet Fred and Freida for some time.

I have not known him for too long... but it has still taken me awhile to write this. I have been worried what people would think. In fact only a couple people even have known about him. But you know what. I deserve to feel this happy. I deserve to be with a great guy. I am a grown woman who is intelligent enough to use her senses and follow her heart at the same time.

Dakota

tonight in place of a blog i enter a request. My friend Ms Jo's sister was rushed into an emergency c-section at 33 weeks. Little Dakota was doing great at first then his oxygen level droped.... and now they think something is wrong with his little heart. They have flown him to a large hospital to try to help him.

Please Pray for Dakota tonight.

No body puts baby in a corner.

So tonight mr. Could-have-been picked up the kids and said he needed to tell me something.. (okay here is me mentally bracing for a fight) and he said that he told me he would so he wanted me to know that he was seing someone. I replied.. Good for you, i never asked to know that.. I wanted to know when you introduced some girl to MY kids. He just looked at me and i went.. so they are meeting her tonight? he said well she is coming with us yes... But they have already met her... and i went postal... i asked him the other day and he told me no they had not met anyone and would tell me before they did. At 4 and 2 1/2 you know there will be questions... i wanted to be able to try and answer them.

Now it turns out of all the people for him to introduce my kids to it just happens to be one of Ms. Independants kids moms (she babysits). Who just happened to meet somewhere.. a bar i'm sure. But you know what whatever. i went to Ms. Independants house and was telling her when my phone rings. of course its him and he is going off about how he doesnt want any f***ing s*it started and no fights with anyone... and again i lost it. I have NEVER EVER done anyhting i said... if i wanted to know who the girls were he was screwing around with when we WERE married i could ask people and find out.. but did i? NO. did i smack him when i found out? NO> although i should have. Did i go beat her up? NO. Where does he get off!!

You know what though.... honestly.... what bothers me the most is NOT that he is with someone. Honestly its not... i know he was with people when we were together... more than once. Emotionally AND physically. I am soooo over that. What kills me is that he is going to have some chick meet MY kids.. MINE.... like what he is going to marie her and be with her always? right. Then again maybe they will... she could have been with him all along. i never asked the names of who he was talking to or messing with. But the thought of some other woman having her hands on my kids kills me. And you know... Screw with me all you want... but DO NOT screw with my kids!!! How is this going to mess with there little heads?? I'm so aggravated. and you may not believe me but its not cause of her... its because he would even THINK of bringing another woman into there lives at THIS point. Men................................

Goody-Goody gum drops

Yes thats right.. i was always the goody two shoes in high school... okay my whole life... like the hugest ever known to man! I even make myself sick looking back.. lets see............................

My freshman year of high school my friends were talking and someone said "Jack daniels" and I said whos that? no seriously... i thought it was a person!

my first kiss was when i was 16.. i know again.. how is that possible!

I never snuck out of my house.. okay only once and i was to little to be held accountable for that one.. see my sister!

I am known as the Holy Child in my family

I often bring my own coasters to gatherings for my cup... (okay not really but somehow there is often one stuck to my cup unknowingly!!)

I have never tried drugs.. the illegal kind

I wasnt in trouble much as a child cause i didnt want to get a spanking


I know.. its sick.. I mean seriously.. i was the definition of what you hope your daughter will not do/know ... but looking back.. sigh.. i could have had so much fun!!


P.S. Check out my new blog rolled friend. Pieces of my heart.. shes just starting out but has alot to say.

The moments......

This year has definitely been one of change for me... and its only 1/2 over! But with it all comes the good that can only be achieved through change as well. But there are some things I'll miss.

Tonight I was taking the kids to fireworks. Fred had an idea of what they were but Freida looked at me like what are you talking about? so i explained to them some what what they were, and what would happen. Freida was a little concerned since her new thing is to say that all sounds are "too loud mommy!". So i put them down for a late nap (since they are early to bed-ers) and we went. I sat there watching the awe on their tiny faces and was so overcome with what has passed in the short time they have been here. And yet i can hardly remember my life without them.

I love these young years. the ones where you can just see all the info that you give them being sucked up like a new sponge. I also love the way that they don't remember from one year to the next things like... fireworks. Every year its like they are experiencing something brand new. that excitement that will soon I'm sure wear off. When it will be.. Mom... do i have to go.... i would rather stay home and talk to my friends!

I just sat and watched them tonight. I realize more than ever how each moment needs to be sealed in an envelope in my head cause life changes so fast. The awe at the colors. The realization that she didn't have to cover her ears the whole time. The way they run, or throw a ball... all of this too shall pass. the good and the bad.... the tantrums, the hand holding, the screaming, the snuggling. So sad to see it going... well okay.. sad to see MOST of it going. ;-)