One mom two babies

2008-05-27T17:53:00.003-06:00

Okay so this came to me via email but it was soooo great and soooo wrong on so many levels that I just HAD to share it with all of you...

Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the

screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at

the same time you do.: !!

On the upside I only paid 3.99 a gallon when I filled up this morning.. yea I know grossss. But hey everyone needs a little porn now and then right!

The cutest thing ever

2008-05-25T15:05:00.002-06:00

So kole was just out on the porch and brought in a flower (that had fallen out of the hanging pot) while saying "I'm bringing you a flower mommy" So he brings me the flower and as hes walking away says "I brought you a flower so I'ms going to marry my mommy" What I ask??? He says again that He's going to marry me... when I ask what he means he says " Well I love you mama and I bring you flowers and I kiss you ... so that means I'm going to marry you.. thats what it means." OMG could it be any cuter than that seriously!! So as I was talking to my guy (who i'm not really sure I've told you all exists) online he asked if I was going to set him strait or let him go with it i said "We'll I'm pretty sure that at 5 he means I love you mama.... So yea I'm gonna let him go with it cause its impossibly cute!"

Oh and my kids usually go to bed at 8 pm. So last night with Koles friend over Kas finally conked out at 9pm. and about 9:30 the little friend started balling saying that he missed his mom and wanted to go home. so I called his mom and she came to get him. In the meantime this made Kole very upset so he started balling which in turn woke up Kassie... so both were up till almost 10 pm in the end.. guh.. but hey they took a really great nap!

What on earth was I thinking??

2008-05-24T18:32:00.002-06:00

So today is a first.. I had a delusional moment and asked my sons best friend from school if he could stay the night tonight. He was supposed to arrive at 4 and his mom called at 315 and said they were out and with gas was is okay if they brought him early while they were out.. so he has been here since 3:15... Kole is a very encouragable little 5 year old... especially with his best friend from school.. now add this to my 4 year old combined with the fact that his mom lets him say things that I would NEVER let my kids say.. and oye vay. Kole keeps doing things that he knows are not acceptable just to show off... like throwing a bucket full of cars off of our 2nd story balcony one by one so that i would not know. Or while i was going to the bathroom him sneaking them all outside to pick them up after i distinctly told him NOT to through the door. The friend has said: shut up, damn it, woosy boy, scum bag.. among others.. and that is only in four hours.. I still have to get through all of these kids.. okay only three.. getting to sleep. So pray for me all. pray for me.

To much?

2008-05-22T21:05:00.002-06:00

Is it to much to want to be loved?

Wholey, and completely. With ought restrictions. To have someone NEED me. To have some one love me for ME.. now who I was, who they want me to be, or who i could be... but just me. ME.

The meaning of life

2008-05-19T20:33:00.001-06:00

Lets see.. how am I doing today... hmm.. well lets see if this sums it up:

The meaning of life: To have a million and one things to do but all that matters is the one thing you forgot to do.

OR

The meaning of life: To have a million and one things to do but all that matters is the one thing that someone forgets to do.

Sorry gals.. not a cheery day today.

My Decision

2008-05-18T18:07:00.003-06:00

So I made a decision a few weeks ago and didn't tell anyone. I decided to start looking into college. I never knew that I would have so much interest in the medical field. If i had I definitely would go back and get my CNA in high school like some of the girls did. I will say that for the past, i don't know, a little over a year I've had people constantly tell me that I should look into college for surgical nursing. We do some surgeries in office and some we send to the hospital or surgical center. In office we do things like ingrown toenails, wart removal, cyst removal, screw removal and revision of scars. I L-O-V-E it. Its insane the rush from being there watching it that I get. I've been told by people its not to late, i definitely missed my calling, I would be great at it. Everyone from co-workers to friends to doctors to patients. I've thought about it but frankly for the past year i feel like I am hanging on for dear life just to get through every single day.. how would I be able to add school?? Classes, homework, kids, working full time, house work AHAHAHH!! Yea right. Well.. I'm finally to a point where I fell .. well.. less like I'm going to slip off the cliff at any moment! So I decided to go to school about three weeks ago. Was looking for courses for surgical nursing. I couldnt find any locally enough for me right now.. but I did see from course lists that all had basically the same pre-requisites. So I decided to just start there. I had a day off, brought the kids to day care and went to our local community college. Got registered, took my placement tests, started financial aid paperwork, and went home to choose which class to take first. Unfortunately it ends up that the summer session has started. The early session started the day before I went there to sign up, the mid-summer online courses were all full, and there were no online courses in the late summer session!! AHH!! Are you kidding!?! So now I'm all signed up, but have to wait till August when the fall sessions start. Sigh. But then maybe the financial aid stuff will be done so it will work out for the best. It will take me forever with doing one class at a time.. but it will be worth it in the end!

The squish factor

2008-05-12T18:37:00.002-06:00

So heres the big news... I"M A GIRL!!.. I know.. shocking right? But what I mean is that in some ways I am very very much a girly girl. So in that manor I will say there are some things I do NOT know how to do.... Change a flat tire, change the oil, wire my TIVO so I don't have to unplug it to watch my vcr, stop my washing machine from dripping... and know how how to comprehend electricity. Lets face it.. my electrical knowledge goes as far as this: turn the switch= light turns on... if this doesn't work check if the light is plugged in... if not call for help! So one of my things I am horrible at doing in a timely mater is to change light bulbs. Well one by one the lights in my crappy little bathroom went out. There is only one fixture in the room which is above the sink. Inside it holds four light bulbs. So I'm thinking awesome.. lights are going out means I wont see how cruddy my bathroom is right?? SCORE! However when the last one went out I was forced to change them. Now I knew to turn the switch to off, then I unscrewed the light bulbs. Looking at the end I see that the old bulbs were 60w bulbs. So I go to my utility boxes.. yes boxes because I have yet to hang the shelves that I have had for the utility room since I've only been here over a year now... Anyway.. i go to the boxes and see that I'm out of bulbs except for two packages.. awesome i have 4 bulbs just the amount I need!! So I look at the box. damn they are 90w bulbs... oh well that just means that it will be brighter. So I go in and put them in and put the cover back on. Damn i can see the bathroom good now.. shit the room is still shitty!! Oh well.. and on my merry way I go. Three days later I go in to use my deodorant (and before you ask I WAS using deodorant just the one in the hall closet that ran out).. I go to the bathroom and get out my stick of deodorant and lift my sleeve and go to rub it on applying normal deodorant worthy pressure. and... SQUISH!! I have about 1/4 stick of deodorant sloshed on my underarm. Ewww says it very well yes. So I get some toilet paper and wipe it off... and so as not to repeat the performance, use the toilet paper to apply some of the slop to my other underarm. You see it turns out that if you put 4 90w light bulbs above your medicine cabinet then leave the lights on.. it gets a tad bit warm. Go figure huh! Enough so to melt deodorant, cook moisturizer, mold plastic bags to cotton balls, and evaporate contact solution. So word to the wise for all you girls girls out there.... Use the correct wattage light bulbs even if you have to go one morning in the dark! Either that or keep a guy around to change them for you!!

Happy Mothers day

2008-05-11T06:02:00.002-06:00

I would like to give a big shout out to all of my blogger mommy friends!!
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!
I hope everyones day is extremely wonderful!

So we are sitting here eating the breakfast of champions... yes thats right PB&J... and the kids decide to get up and play cause they are done. Which all you moms know means don't throw it away cause they will be back in five minutes.... and today i just don't want to fight so I'm not pushing them to stay sitting till they are done! So Kassie gets up and is walking around and there is something black on the floor. looks kind of like a fuzzy. So I ask her what it is. She bends down squeezes it, touches it... and then picks it up and goes to put it back down. So i ask her to throw it away. On the way there she says "Its okay mommy.. Apollo's tail just got broke." our cat Apollo is striped black/gray.. lol... so she just assumed that his tail got broked and that was what the fuzzy was! lol.

So Koles birthday party was yesterday (his actual birthday was Wednesday). It was at the McDonald's in the next town which has a play land with tunnels. It was a fantastic stress fee venture I would recommend to any and all single moms who work full time. No stress before, no clean up after. And I think the actual party would have been no stress if we had a better host. However Jose could not handle 18 children.. could not talk over them.. could not give them direction.. and had no plan as to what to do when. So I ended up doing the whole middle of the party. But it was fun... His favorite gift was probably his camera from his Bah... who always has a camera in HER hand and is an amazing photographer. It is so cute to look at his pictures.. some are really great.. you can tell when his sister gets the camera cause they are all blurry. lol. Although I didn't think of all the pictures of me that there would be. like right now.. just woke up.. hair everywhere... mismatched pj's.. no bra. Yea you all get the picture... shudder.... Don't worry i am NOT posting those here!! lol

Oh how true

2008-05-10T18:03:00.001-06:00

A family member emailed me this and i just loved the truth to it!!

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.

Lol.. good news i finally have everything straightened out with AT&T so I will be on here more!! YEA!..
The bad news... I had Koles 5th birthday party today and am to damn tired to blog!! so heres the poem for you and I'll write again soon.. I Promise!!

Where do I belong?

2008-04-21T17:09:00.001-06:00

tooooo funny!! I never would have guessed! I'm not sure about the year.. but the description is right on!

You Belong in 1984

Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.

What Year Do You Belong In?

Where are my boobies??

2008-04-14T18:04:00.002-06:00

So I just love the age of my kids right now... Kole is almost 5 and Kassie is 3 1/2. The funniest, oddest, most embarrassing things come out of their mouths. Every morning I give the kids breakfast, set their clothes on the couch, instruct them to finish breakfast and then get dressed... and off I go to get ready myself. Most days this runs right on schedule. But the little things that happen in between are so funny. Today I did the normal and then jumped in the shower. I should say that I think this has never happened because I usually shower at night... but decided to shower this morning. So I was in my bedroom getting dressed and Kole came in and asked if he could get dressed in the bathroom (with the door shut). I said sure since I had a few minutes before I needed to get in there. Then Kassie goes running past my door saying "I haves to go potty, I haves to go potty!!" so he looks at me and says "Mommy can I get dressed in your room then?" And of course with ought thinking I reply "Yea, Sure." And proceed to finish getting dressed. Kole climbs up on the bed to get dressed and I begin putting on my bra... then this conversation took place...

Kole: (looks down at his chest, looks at mine, then back to his) "Mommy when are my boobies going to get bigger like yours?
Me: Um hunny, you are a boy so yours don't get bigger.
Kole: But how are daddies?
Me: Daddies are like yours. They stay like that. Only girls boobies get bigger.
Kole: (looking at my chest again) But I want bigger boobies!
Me: Well I'm sorry hun.. you are a boy.. but you will be JUST LIKE DADDY!!
Kole: (looking pensive) Then are sissys going to get bigger, cause shes a girl?
Me: Um yes.. eventually. But not till shes older.
Kole: THATS SO COOL!! (starts screaming for kassie)
Me: Kole, What are you doing? Let your sister eat!
Kole: I haves to tell her mom!!
**Now enter Kassie**
Kassie: What Kole?
Kole: Kassie guess what? Its sooo COOL! Your boobies are going to get bigger like mommies!!
Kassie: WOW!! THAT AWESOME!!

Then both went running off to watch TV.. completely unaware of me standing stunned in the corner!!

What would you never say

2008-04-13T15:34:00.002-06:00

So I was over visiting Lainey's blog and it was about how she used the "because I said so" line on her son. My line I have SWORN I would never say is "Do you want me to give you something to cry about!" My dad used that line all the time growing up. And you know... it just ERKS me! yes erks.. lol... I mean we were already crying! It doesn't mater if you don't think that it is a good reason to cry, but we are.

Anyway It got me thinking about my current situation with my daughter. Kole is almost 5 and she is 3 1/2. Lately my son has been bursting into tears to get what he wants something. And it was driving me CRAZY!! So one day when I was talking to my BFF Guin (also the babysitter) if he was doing that at her house. She looked perplexed and said no. Odd I thought... Then one day about a week later she said he did it today.. started the "baby routine" such as i call it .... And she asked him why he would do that? And do you know his answer?? "Because sissy does it and mommy talks to her" Ouch.. yea. That opened up my eyes to what I'm letting my baby get away with that I never would have let him. So I'm really cracking down on this with her.. so lets just say Tylenol has been my best friend the past week cause when she realizes the crying is not working it just gets louder. Oye vay.

You know I remember a time though when I realized I was doing the same thing with Kole.. And now did it with Kassie.. but for different reasons... with Kole I had a very hard time disciplining him at points because he was my miracle baby. I had lost a baby before him, went through a fertility center, would have lost him if I hadn't known as early and gone on progesterone.... He was the baby I never thought would be here. So how do you discipline something so precious... Well I got it together. I think with Kassie it is the fact of the past year... its been hell on wheels, ups and downs... more emotional downs than ups, and frankly a struggle daily. But I finally feel like I may be getting to an even point.... so here we go again.. redoing what I have done wrong and teaching her the rights and wrongs. Let me warn you.. its much easier I'm sure to do it right in the first place.. but i doubt anyone has ever gotten child rearing right the first time... right!

Astrology... Do you believe??

2008-04-12T20:17:00.004-06:00

So I'm a Scorpio... and my horoscopes are usually dead on. In the freaky is someone stalking me sort of way. Now don't worry.. I'm not one of those must read what the stars say before i can leave my house in the morning... but occasionally I do pick it up to look. And when i do if its an old one, it usually is spot on... and if its for current of future.. well that can either scare the shit out of me or give me something to look forward to. So in a boredom buster today i logged onto mylifetime.com. The site for Lifetime TV... yes thats right I'm a sucker for their movies. So the site has lots of cool, funny things to read, look at or do. One of which was an astrology section. And being that I had not looked in a while I decided to click.

Now the financial section... hah.. that was totally a page out of my checkbook.. and trust me right now that is NOT a good thing.. so I'm not going to talk about that. then there was a love/romance section. Just for poops and giggles I'm not going to tell you what that said either... Why you ask?? Because I'm thinking along the same line it says and i don't want to jinx anything. So yes.. it was very good. Then there was a 2008 at a glance section. This is the one that got me. The couple sections on times already past this year were right on. Then there was allot about whats to come, times to look forward to, and times to look out for. Then there was the last section. One or two sentences........ and wow.. here they are:

2008 may not have the up-and-down drama of recent years,
but after all the aggravation you've been through, it's doubtful you'll miss it.

OH MY GOD... if any of you are faithful readers of mine.. yes okay when i have time to post.... I pooped my pants! Okay well not literally cause eww that would be really really disgusting! Anyway.. the past 1 1/2 to 2 years... yea not highlights of mine. Lots of crap and lots of bad crap. So I was like.. omg.. thank god!! A light... i see a little light!!

Now call me corny if you will... but if you are a person who happens to have your horoscope be more often right than wrong... thats a pretty good year overview right!!

The Punishment

2008-04-01T16:31:00.002-06:00

So I decided after the post last night that I had to think fast.. reallly fast. I figure a 3 and 4 year old are much like a puppy... If you don't punish right away they don't know what they are getting in trouble for. So last night we did most of their night time routine.. climbed into bed.. and talked about it. They knew what they did was wrong. So they lost their night time song. and then today when we got home they had to call and apologize to Bah (their grandma) for being bad while she was here. She was absolutely horrified that i did that. But I figure that if I can say if mommy was here would have acted that way? and the answer is No. and then I ask then why did you? and the response is i don't know or because... they knew that what they did was wrong. And if they knew what they did was wrong then they needed to understand that that is unacceptable! How else will they ever learn that its not okay to be that way.. right? I said that I know when I was a child I NEVER would have been able to get away with that... I would have had a punishment too. So the question i say is this... When did society get to the point that its acceptable for kids to act that way? It wasn't when I was a kid... and further more.. At what point do you think your grandkids shouldn't be punished?? lol.. must just be when you become a grandma! But I stand by my decision. They needed to take the consequence for their action.

Podiatric Medical Assistant Certified

2008-03-31T17:21:00.002-06:00

Thats what PMAC stands for. aka.. you know... the letters behind my name!! So lets see.. whats new.. me and my man are doing very very well. There is allot of potential there i think. He has a great job, a house, and is really great. Unfortunately due to my schedule, his schedule, and the kids it is hard to get together but its nice too. It forces us to take it slow. Which you know.. you don't always want to do :) I was so down at work today and i have NO idea why!! nothings wrong!! and my co workers kept asking me what was wrong. I think I'm just tired.. who would know that four days in a luxury hotel in Chicago would be so tiring!! Well.. when i put it that way anyway... really i was VERY busy. I really love learning new things. I would have loved college.. and yes to all of you writing right now.. I do understand that its not to late.. but my life doesn't really allow time for it now and I don't want to sacrifice the little time I do have with the kids.. and hey I don't need it for my job after all.. I'm certified baby!! But I learned allot, had a great time, ate some great food, got my PMAC certificate.. so yea i guess that tired is allowed at this point!

On the down side my mom had a HORRIBLE time with the kids.. how bad you ask.. they were taken by pod people she says.. and she will never watch them again. I know.. OMG. And I know they were not feeling well.. but it is no excuse.. I'm trying to come up with a punishment.. cause they KNOW they were not acting in a way that was acceptable at all. When I asked "would you do that if mommy was here" and the answer is "No".. I know they knew they did wrong.. so I'm trying to think of something. They got a talking to when I got home but if they were bad enough for a grandma to say "I will NEVER watch them again.. and I'm serious Jess." that is so over the top that something must be done. Ideas welcome!

the big bad test

2008-03-30T18:59:00.002-06:00

well.. I PASSED>. I am officially... Jessica A (my last name), PMAC. DUDE>. how COOL is that.. i have letters after my freakin name!! The test was a serious bitch. it was three hours and 400 questions.... but i got a 96%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I aced a section, the others I got all 90's on and the other i got an 86% so i did damn good. so i'm freaking exhausted now so thats all i can do for today.. i'll tell you more about my weekend soon... night all! and hope you had a good one too!

My weekend

2008-03-26T12:21:00.002-06:00

So i wont be on for a few days most likely. I am going to the big city of Chicago for a Podiatrist convention... I know sounds like a blast doesnt it!! Well I actually AM excited cause it IS fun! but I'm also nervous as hell that my test is Friday. I'm gonna die if i dont pass it!!! SO I'm just cleaning, and studying and spending time with the kidos today since i wont see them till Sunday. I guess i could bring my laptop with but i doubt i would have time to sit at it.. so i'll talk to you all soon.. dont miss me too much.

The easter bunny is a god...

2008-03-23T16:45:00.004-06:00

So.. today is easter.. I ended up getting the kids at one today after all. Conveniently about 15 minutes after I freaked out on Dick he got a call (so he says) that he wasn't working today. Now I'm going to start this post about yesterday... SO I freaked out that i was tired of everything being about him... you know what.. let me type the actual text message i sent him cause i was proud of myself.. just a second.. okay.. i pulled it up.. I told him that i didn't know what time i was going to be home Sat from my plans (which we will get to in a minute!!) and that i might take the kids home sat night or he might have to bring them Sunday morning to my house... and he said gee who's thinking about the kids now!! to which I replied:

"whatever will. I have plans. They will be fine. You are the one who doesnt want 2 go out of your way. I could care less if its convenient 4 you or not. I keep having 2 change my plans due to your schedule. Im not changing my plans today. I will let you know if i get home early enough."

And I was very proud of myself. And then his plans to have to work miraculously changed!!

Anyway.. I was texting this to him while i was on a train... I took a train to Chicago and went to see the Russian Ballet preform Swan Lake. This is something i have always always wanted to see but never had the chance. SOOO I've been talking to a guy and he is an electrician. But not the kind that comes to your house to fix things, he runs lights for places, shows, and performances. I have been talking to him for a little over a week. He asked if I would like to come see the show, to which i was like.. are you kidding?? I would LOVE to!! so I went up there via train, which took MUCH longer but at the same time was MUCH cheaper than gas, to see the show and meet him. SO it was kind of odd cause I went to see the show and sat by myself... it was so amazing though... everyone should see a ballet. Then it was over and he finished up and we went to walk downtown till we found something that we wanted to eat... well turns out that at 4:45 Saturday afternoon... easter weekend.. NOTHING is open!! lol.. neither of us thought about that. So we ended up eating at the food court of the train station.. lol. He said "See, I take you to all the good places!" It was hilarious. And We will be seeing one another again! So he had to go back to the theater to do another show and I went home.

Today I got up went and got the kids, then went to my dads for easter. OMG the kids got SOOO much candy!! It's just crazy! Then we came home to see what the easter bunny had brought them here (since they weren't home this morning). Now that smart little bunny... he got them a sand pail as a basket (cause who is REALLY going to use a multi-color basket again!!), a swimsuit/swim trunks, sunglasses, three books with read along cd, a music cd, and a cd player. I know what kind of bunny does that!! BUT.. That thrifty bunny got these adorable cd Walkman in Dora and Diego on sale for $20... and hey i could have bought one .. oopss.. the bunny could have gotten one for their room... HOWEVER he knew.. smart bunny that he is... that we would have had constant fights over what to listen too.... and not to mention if they used our house cd player a mommy VERY sick of hearing it!! Now Kole got lion king books, and a silly songs CD.. this cd has all the old classics like Monster mash, Splish Splash, The chicken Dance, Purple People Eater.. its great. And Kassie.. well the bunny splurged.. and got her a Hannah Montana CD. And let me tell you... The easter bunny is a god. And it was soo worth it when those little squeals came out of her when she saw what the music cd was!!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!

Hoppy easter

2008-03-21T17:00:00.002-06:00

So I took today off to go to my doctor and kole's doctor.. found out this morning that his appointment was yesterday.. nice. But on the good side I went to mine, got a prescription for my headache medicine, and a referral to get my back injections!

Dick was supposed to get the kids at 2 today... then he called saying he would be here at 6... he just called saying that he is still at work.. and its 6:02. also in the phone call ... he told me.. "I know this is going to make you the happiest woman in the world.. but I got required fro Sunday" So instead of me getting them at 1.. having a free weekend, relaxing.. I am missing my plans right now because of his work, getting them back tomorrow night or Sunday morning because of his work. I'm so sick of everything being about him and whats convenient for HIM. His kids are the ones that loose... and damn it I'm sick of having to reschedule MY plans because of what works best for him!!

But on the upside I will have them for all day easter... we will have an egg hung, easter baskets and fun. Whats funny is Kassi keeps calling the easter bunny... "Easter" like how Santa Clause is Santa... he is just Easter. Its really cute.. so I hope all of you have a really great Easter!

hello guys

2008-03-18T20:28:00.003-06:00

So i'm sorry its been so long... this past while has just really sucked.. I've been training the new girl, re-writing the OSHA standards for our whole office, and studying for a giant certification course that is costing my employer hundreds of dollars.. no pressure right!! So the OSHA class was today, i'm down to two weeks left of training her and my test is next Friday. And... I want to explode!!

Add all that to the worst month of Endometriosis I've had in a LONG time, No one that will take my state aid insurance card to give me an injection in my back.. so I'm in allot of physical pain. NOW.. add that to that and THEN add... that March 10th would have been my 7 year wedding anniversary... and that last St. Patrick's day was the very beginning of the very end. That was the night that all the sudden everyone around us realized there was a serious problem.

So its been really rough. Worst part is that i don't WANT to be married to him.. at all.. but my mom hit it on the head that its more a sadness about lost dreams then the guy.

Last night while putting my contacts (which i just got again after a year of glasses) away i ran out of solution grabbed the next bottle that was the WRONG solution (it has to be in a special case) and put it in the rest of the way to fill it up.... well ends up it has to be in the special case for a reason cause i burned (literally) the crap out of my eye.. fells quite swollen right now! and is bright red.

On a good note... and yes i'm going to try to end this on a good note.. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my life.. like the glove is starting to fit. Before I felt like I was wearing a glove that NEVER could have been mine and wasn't supposed to be. I brought the kids to the zoo tomorrow and that was so amazing.. i will FOREVER go to the zoo when it is cold/cool outside. there were so few people there that the kids got to get soooo close to so many of the animals!

Down in the dumps

2008-02-18T18:36:00.002-06:00

So I'm so down today. I don't know why.. no idea. I just feel like I need to go blow off some serious steam. The kind that when you are so cooped up you have sex with your husband just so that it will fell better... not necessarily because you want to have sex with him.. just because you need the outlet. Problem is.. news flash.. I have no husband, in fact I have no boyfriend! And since were in the TMI department.. its been a VERY long time since I DID go wahoo!!

Guh... It must just be everything.. I work, I come home, I take care of kids, I clean my house, I clean my work, I go grocery shopping, bring kids to school, doctor, I have no outlet, no release.. just stress, stress, stress, Stress, STress, STRess, STREss, STRESs, STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs!!ds

My great bling weekend

2008-02-11T18:51:00.000-06:00

So I had SUCH a full weekend. usually seems like my kidless weekend is short and that i don't do much. BUT.. oh this was so different... in a good way!! Friday my mama ad I went to see "27 dresses" ad it was cute..kinda predictable, and I only cried 3 times so that was good i figure. Sat I went to Orland with my mom and my sis met us there. We shopped ad had dinner.. it was so fun being with them.. it doesn't happen enough. While there I used my "me" money from my taxes to buy a diamond ring. It is sooo beautiful!! And come on.. who needs a man to buy you bling?? NOT ME BABY!!! I'm a woman.. HEAR ME BLING!! oops i mean roar! lol...

So then Sat night I went to have one drink with my friend and then came home depressed that i had no one to dance with, be all over, and kiss on. Couldn't sleep so I got online and was looking at things. Ended up responding to this personal add on a site and got emailed right back by the guy... ended up till almost 2 am talking with him online.

Sunday I went to a different mall and got myself a cell phone. I had been using one on my dads account since my separation and was time to stand on my own two feet. Plus I got my tax return and could afford to get one!! lol... Then i went home and cleaned all day. All the while testing Mr. Man. HAHAH.. i just came up for a name for him!! He is working at a restaurant right now because it makes good money and the shifts are flexible since he is... are you ready for this... going to grad school and then to law school...

However.... He goes by a different version of it... but he has the same first name as dick.. oye.. that came to me when i was in the shower yesterday.. of all the flippin names... but at least he doesn't go by the same derivative of it i guess!

The big discovery

2008-02-05T17:35:00.000-06:00

So no.. my kids real names are NOT fred and freida. HOWEVER.. I do very often call them that. i have no idea why just one of those nicknames that have always been there. Their real names are Kole and Kassie. Since i said one yesterday figured i might as well make it wide known.

So this past weekend the kids were home with me. I really love having my weekends off with them. I feel like i dont see them enough, and its nice to have two full days with them. However.. then there are days. You all know them.. you all have them with your kids too. Well this past sunday the kids got into a basket of videos and brought one out that they wanted to watch. Kole kept saying I want to watch my movie!! He knew that it was his name written on it. It was the video of his 1st birthday party. How was I supposed to tel him no. "NO .. I got it recorded so that you would never see it!!" or "It's not yours!!" Um.. right.. yea neither of those would work. So I put it in and let them watch it. I tried to sit and read in the other room but after thousands of excited trips to tell me what was going on at the party... I finally just did what they asked and went in and sat with them. Talk about hard. Me pregnant with kassie with baby kole opening his presents. Me laughing, talking, hugging dick. Oye. You know all the memories aren't bad but those ones seem to hurt more than the really bad ones. And now we are on day three of crazy huge amounts of me being lonely again. I miss being held and wanted I miss having someone to talk to, someone to be with. Someone who will understand when i just need to lay my head on your lap or shoulder. some day. Some day the one who was meant to be will be here. i just have to get to the some day.

The Cutest words

2008-02-04T18:54:00.000-06:00

So I just love the things my kids say. Freida says today on the way on home... Mommy why is it so so froggy outside? I said.. Did you say froggy? and she says back.. Yes its so very froggy out all days today!... what she meant was that it was Foggy out... lol

Freidas favorite vegetables are hands down is Recipes. She also knows that if you find a recipe under your seat cushion that means you are a princess. She likes cooked recipe's she likes raw recipe's. In other words... Peas.

And then there is my fred. this one can not be said so well without revealing his real name. It is Kole. So he comes home on Christmas eve and I'm putting them to bed. I am all excited to do the Christmas eve hype with him and I say so why do we have to go to bed good tonight? and he says very proudly "Because otherwise we will get a big rock named ME!! aka.. he would get a lump of coal!

Oh out of the mouths of babes.. What is the cute things your kidos have said?

Oh my.. it happned again!

2008-02-03T08:14:00.000-06:00

How on earth did this many days go between my last post! ugh. Well I weighed myself today.. yes I know it hasnt been a week but hey... i couldnt wait. I started on Tuesday. I have lost 4 lbs! I'm exstatic. And I've finall gotten over the hump of the "chew on the chairs" feeling. I actually looked forward to my salad yesterday!! My kids have been such hams today.. we were just laying in my bed and they were taking turns playing hide and go seek. Of course.. that is if you can call it that since they were laying next to me with the blankets over their head! So I said.. I know, I know... Come here!! and they got on either side of me and I pulled the blanket over all our heads. Freida says... What are we doing? I replied... shhhh they will find us if you arent quite. So about a minute later my son goes.. "Momma.. who is gonna find us though? It's just us here" Oye when did he get so smart!!

I'm back in the saddle again.

2008-01-30T18:21:00.000-06:00

So.. I've started my diet... again. Last time i did so good loosing 20 lbs like it was nothing. But then my sugar kept dropping and if that has ever happened to you.. frankly it sucks. So I had to eat more often and the diet foods just were not keeping my sugar constant enough. So yes.. I used it as an excuse to stop. Then I realized that for the last few weeks I've been putting scrubs on at work. When I don't work I put on jeans when I have to go out somewhere... and as soon as I get home I take off the jeans and put on pj bottoms. I mean come on.. when you have to take your pants off due to lack of oxygen its time to do something about it right?!?!?!

So once again.. a small breakfast, a good lunch, with a salad and 2 servings of fruit, and a good dinner with 2 servings of vegetables. And for desert I'll have another serving of fruit and a glass of milk. I've also drank ALLOT of water!! guh. dieting sucks. But i will admit that its a good feeling to be full and not sooooo stuffed I cant move!

So heres to me... again..

My Mission.. whether I choose to accept it or not...

2008-01-29T13:32:00.001-06:00

The Mission(okay so I accept willingly!)
-Share five random/weird things about myself.
-Share five places that I want to see or see again.
-Tag five random people and link to them and let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Five Random/Weird things about myself:
1) I can wiggle my nose like a rabbit.
2) I can make my pectoral muscles (aka my boobs) dance like a guy can.
3) My 3rd and 4th toes on my right foot are partially webbed together.
4)I LOVE to clip coupons.. although I rarely use them.
5) I would be a serogate mother or a foster mom in the blink of an eye

Five places I want to see/see again:
1) Getysburg.. you really cant believe the power of that place unless you go there.
2) Venice, Italy .. I have ALWAYS wanted to go there.. even if it is dirty.
3) Boulder Colorado.. Much like tracy I want to go here due to my smut novels!
4) Mexico... Always have wanted to.
5) Disney in the next two years with my kids.

Five People I'm Taging:
1) Gypsy Queen at Chasing the highs
2) Lainey-Paney at Life is Just so Daily
3) Pea Pod at Two Peas in a Pod
4) D at Studio D News
5) Sheri at My Minivan is faster that yours

(that was alot harder since I couldnt to people that Tracy had done!)

Okay people.. tag your it!!

7 things to do before i'm 30

2008-01-27T18:50:00.000-06:00

So I'm a total lifetime movie addict. I LOVE them!! They are sappy, and raunchy. And I cant stop watching them! Every Sat night there is a new one on tv. I set my Tivo to record every week. Yesterdays was called "7 things to do before I'm 30." It was about a list a girl made when she was 12ish and found at 29 and decided in month before her birthday she was going to complete the list she had forgotten about. So I decided why not! I'm 25 so I have 5 years which I think is much more practical. So If you decide to do this list for yourself just chose your next significant bday and go to listing! So here goes...

7 Things to do Before I'm 30:
1) Get a Tattoo
2) Get my own Cell phone
3) Live in a house again (not an apartment)
4) Pay off my marriage bills
5) Bring the kids to Disney
6) Not overdraw my checking account for over 12 months.. twice
7) Have over $1,000 in a savings account

so there they are. My practical, unpractical, dreams, and goals for the next 5 years.

Meme from me

2008-01-23T18:37:00.001-06:00

So here goes.. this came from Tracy who got if from Bee. so if you are reading this... TAG YOUR IT!! Oh and if anyone figures out what a Meme is.. you will get double points!!

Heres how it works:
1. Click on this link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random . The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 . The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ . The third picture is your album cover.
4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together and you’re done.

SOOOOOO.. Heres me:
My Band name is:

Romeo Stavarache

My Album title is:
normal state of consciousness.

And my album cover is.. (drum roll please)

My Band makes music that is very Alanis Moriset. Dont let the name fool you, I know it SOUNDS like it would be classical. But sometimes you need something moody, sometimes bitchy, sometimes loving, sometimes man hating. We meet all of the characteristics!!

The Moment

2008-01-20T17:38:00.000-06:00

So I made dinner again from my Kraft magazine that comes in the mail. It was amazing as were the last three things that I made from it. I usually either turn on GAC on the TV or turn music on my computer with dinner. The kids like the music and it hides eating noises.. lol.. yes eating noises are my biggest pet peeve. Anyway I'm listening to Billy Ray Cyrus' song "Ready, Set, Don't Go" Its amazing and if you like him or not doesn't matter. If you are a parent you should listen to it. I like the version with just him better than the one with him and his daughter Millie.. aka Hanna Montana. I first heard this song when it was on a music video. I had missed it before and it made me cry. He wrote it about his daughter. About how they will leave and follow their dreams and even though you don't want to you support them. It was just on while we were eating and I found myself stopping eating to look at my babies. They are so not babies anymore. Fred is 4 1/2 and Freida is 3. So grown up. Fred will be in Kindergarten in the "big school" next year and Freida will be in Preschool. I'm having a hard time with the transition of not having babies. So anyway... I was looking at them remembering. When they were born was the two most amazing days of my life bar none. Their first words, first steps, first true Love you mama. That one where you see it in their eyes and its not just a reaction to something they are supposed to say. It all just flew through my head like a movie. I looked at Freida again and she glanced up at me. All disheveled from play today, hair in her face from bending over to eat. A smear of Sun Dried Tomato dressing on her cheek. She gave me this little smile while turning her head to the side. And I saw it. That look. The moment. The one that I will undoubtedly repeat so many times. When she drives away in her car for the first time. When she is leaving for the Prom. When she is getting on a plane to go to college. Okay hopefully there will be no plane as I will undoubtedly die if either of them go that far away. I saw those moments that my mom told me about not long ago. The day I was having a break down about not having babies anymore. When she said OH.. have you seen this? or this? or this? Well mom, I just saw what those moments will be like in the eyes of my daughter. Heaven help me. I don't know how all of you moms of older children did it. I don't want them to grow up. I treasure every day as I know all to soon they will be gone.

The quiz

2008-01-18T18:06:00.000-06:00

So i received this by email.. but I'm going to reply on here... So hope you look here Jo

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was.... To long ago by a man.. but I want next time to mean something special

2. I am listening to...Superman on TV and monkeys playing

3. I talk...allot.. without breathing allot!!

4. I love... My kids more than life itself.

5. My best friends...Gigi, Jo, Mom, Christie

6. My Car is...the Green Goblin.. and yes it rocks!

7. My lovely life...Life? Life ain't always beautifull.. but it's a beautifull ride.

8. I hate it when people ask...Whats wrong? Seriously people.. it would take too long to fill you in and lets face it.. you really dont care!

9. Love is....Something I hope I can find again. Only this time to last. FOREVER.

10. Marriage is.. Something I always wanted, loved when I had, something i miss desperatly, something I tried very hard to keep, something it was healthy for me to get out of, the hardest thing I ever left.

11. Somewhere someone is thinking... gosh.. if only my life was less stressful.. oh wait.. that was me thinking that!

12. I'm always...cleaning, cooking, working.

13. I have a secret cheesy crush...Patrick Dempsey, Matthew McCoughney... hahaha Sorry Jo had to take off the last one.

15. My cell phone...is the only phone I have right now.

16. When I wake up in the morning..I get up, get kids up, give hugs, make breakfast, do hair, make up, dress kids (and me), run out the door, drop 3 kids at two schools, get to work.

17. When I go to bed at night... I wish that I could go to sleep faster, sleep longer.

18. Right now I am thinking about...I'm SO damn sick of having headaches!!

19. Babies are...the best EVAH

20. I get on Myspace....About once a day to check if i have anything new.

21. Today I...Worked on OSHA manuals all day!! probably the reson for the headache.

22. Tonight I will... take care of kidos.

23. Tomorrow I will...spend quality time with kidos. and Go get milk and eggs

24. I really want to be...a good mom.

25. Someone that will most likely repost this is... I'll say Tracy.. although not right away.. shell save it for a rainy day!

Sleep problems

2008-01-15T19:27:00.000-06:00

So anyone who has been reading my blogs very long knows that Fred has sleeping issues. I have also said before that I think he has ADHD. I started looking online about his not sleeping well. Found out there are a few causes.. read allot... and thought you know I think he has ADD or ADHD. I mentioned this to Gigi as well and she said she had been thinking that but wasn't sure how to say it without offending me. So the more I read and observed fred.. i realized he definitely had one of them. So I asked doctor.. then another.. then another. I was told.. he must not need that much sleep, he was to young to have add etc, he was a normal toddler, i needed to let him sleep with me, I needed to dicapline him more. Every time I left crying and hopeless. i KNEW as his mom that he had a problem. At his sisters appointment last week I again voiced my concerns. She recomended that I bring him to a child psychologist to be evaluated. So today was the appointment. It was the first time I have not left a office in tears. She said that he definatly had signs of adhd. He was active, and yes all toddlers are active, but his was above and beyond the amount of normal curiosity or activity. Laws now state that a child under the age of five can not be put on medication for ADD or ADHD. which is fine by me. I do not WANT to put Fred onto medication. Then we addressed his sleep issues. Ever since Fred was little he has had problems going to sleep. I said it once in a way that makes the most sense.... at night he just wont "shut off" .. If i am laying there with him putting his arm back down, quieting him, calming him he will go to sleep but on his own it takes a good two hours. And yes Ive tried everything in the book. Routines, longer routines, tiring him out, etc. So she agreed that he was not getting enough sleep and that yes, it appeared that it was interfering with his life now. So there is a non-habit forming medication that they give to children with behavioral problems (aka adhd) who also have sleeping problems. It is commonly used in adults for high blood pressure but used correctly it is effective at sleep problems in children. It only stays in the body for 6 hours so there is absolutely no risk of dependency. At this point it is about improving Fred's quality of life. I believe that if I can just help him sleep this will also help in his daily activities. I do not want to put him on medication.. but if he was diabetic would I think about giving him insulin? no. This problem is interfering from him living a full life.. and now I'm going to help him.
However.. naturally.. when i told Dick about this he flipped. Everything from i constantly have the kids on medication, to I should discipline him more, I shouldn't put him to bed when i do, I should spend more time with him, I should put him with another sitter, I just wanted to chalk him full of drugs, i didn't want to deal with him, I should spank more time out less, I just wanted him (Dick) to have to pay more money. You think he may have said it and trust me.. he yelled it at me. rudely, and with many obscenities. I hung up on him three times because I would not allow him to talk to me this way. I was balling uncontrollably because this was not about me.. this was about Fred and how his life was. It is no way to live being tired, cranky, and unable to concentrate when he has no say so or ability to not be that way. So I made Dick an appointment with the Doctor to talk with her about what she feels about Fred, what the medication is about, and how to proceed from here. I will get in touch with her after that to see how it went and to discus where to go from here.
I understand his reservations.. I do.. I dont want our four year old to be on medication either. BUT if he needs it to live a good life then so be it. Now legally I do NOT have have his permission to give Fred a medication to help him. Would it make it easier.. absolutely. But I am the one who is with Fred all the time, I am the one who takes care of him. And its not just me. Other people have asked me if i have considered getting him tested for this as well. I am not crazy I just finally found someone who sees the problem from a medical standpoint. I just hope that Dick will come to his senses and realize this is what is best for Fred. It will make everyones life better.

Knock on wood

2008-01-13T19:21:00.000-06:00

So I haven't had a phone for about a week now.. but somehow i still have dsl. So hopefully no one who is reading this works for at and t right now. lol.... Well its been a really rough week sorry i haven't been able to get on the computer. Tuesday I brought Freida to the doctor and she had Strep throat, An ear infection, and bronchitis. all at once. Fred went to the Doctor on Friday and he has strep as well. Now the minute I saw either one of them sniffle wrong I started on Airborne. Which I swear by for life now. Thursday i went to work and my voice started sounding frogy before lunch. By the end of the day I sounded like a squeaker toy. Friday i woke up with no voice. okay well i had a voice but i had to yell to come out as a whisper. And there was no one to work for me.. but that was okay since I couldnt afford to take a day off work anyway. So I came home got some sleep, rested and had a little voice on Saturday. I had my company Christmas party on Saturday and that was a ton of fun. I didn't want to go at first so I'm very glad that I was the designated present-getter for the doctors.. because it made me go. I knew I'd be okay once I got there it was just the getting there feeling sad, sorry for myself, alone, and ugly part. you know.. just something little.. lol. But it was a blast, we had appetizers, dinner, white elephant game. And we got a present from our Doctors... it was a fondue set and cookbook from Williams-Sonoma. it is TO DIE FOR.. i love it. The funny thing is two girls last week said to me whats Williams-Sonoma?? since that was where I got one of the Dr's a gift certificate to from all of us. I was like what is Williams-Sonoma? its like a candy store for your eyes!!!f So I was elated naturally. Lets see.. today my voice is still better but not to full par. But I'm sure that the reason I got so little was due to the airborne... everyone should keep it on hand!!

warning: this is not a blog

2008-01-08T08:15:00.000-06:00

So This is not a blog.. I blogged late last night and will again later.. but just so you know if i mysteriously disappear it is due to my phone company turning it off. My phones got turned off last night and yet this am I still have my dsl. If thy turn it off I wont be back for a couple weeks :-(

When I grow up I want to be...

2008-01-07T20:07:00.000-06:00

So Freida is getting sick.. or so I thought.. her little nose was running, her cough was going deep in her chest causing her to lurch forward and grab her chest with each rasp. I was planing on getting her into the dr tomarow on my day off, so brought her to the sitter. On my lunch I had to go to the store to buy some Delsym.. which is the worlds most kick ass cough syrup evah! Yes its expensive, yes the taste is gritty... but you wont cough for 12 freaking hours i kid you not! anyway so i brought it to the sitters and went back to work. I get a call at work at 3 pm and the girl tells me that my sitter is on the phone. UH OH... Gigi never calls unless something is REALLY bad. she says that since noon (its 3 pm) Freida has thrown up five times. She wont hold down a teaspoon of liquid, medacine, 1/4 piece of bread.. nothing. She is also burning up. She has no thermomoter but she knows it is high. High enough for her to have put her in the bath not once but TWICE... which has not worked. I'm freaking out... I cant leave there is no one to cover for me, she is so sick, I dont know what is wrong. I attend to my patients then the next break I got I called my momma. I said I think I need to take Freida to the ER after work, not sure she can wait till the morning, and would she come watch Fred for an hour or so while i did that. She says of course but what is going on with Freida. So I tell her it all, in the midst of which I hear my own voice cracking... And I'm usually level headed in the face of soemthing like this. She reasures me that unless it is A, B, or C that the ER wont really be able to do much, and unless she is dehydrated she will probably be more comfy.. as will I at home. Okay well she said it a little different but that is the gist of what my overworked, overtired, overworied brain could take in. So I go about my patients till my next break when I call Gigi for a check in, and relay what my momma said. She agreed much to our chagrin due to her condition. So I asked my mom if there was any way she could get a night light on the way home as I had forgotten to get one on my lunch hour and (this could be a whole nother blog) that is why I didnt get anysleep last night... cause theirs broke. Of course she says again.

So I get done, quick clean up and head to pick up the munchkins. Momma is there and snuggling with Freida. Now let me say (in a very loving way) that my mom is the biggest most bestest germaphobe that ever walked the earth. She does not come in the same room as someone who is sick let alone hold them. But yet Freida is okay because she is in Bah's arms. So I ask them if they are ready to go home to which Freida replies no... but as the next words come out of my mouth.... and Bah can walk us home.. She eagerly says yes. So we run home in the rain, get upstairs and settled in my apartment, and once again Freida wants nowhere but Bahs arms. With being able to look over about every thirty seconds and say I love you mommy. The best of both worlds.. how fabulously safe and taken care of my little bit must have felt. And Bah must have known this because she stayed to snuggle. Then Bah offered to go get her "sick pop" aka 7-up. She says okay and says goodbye (the only time i have ever seen her not try to get my mom to leave).

So we snuggle while she is gone, Freida falls asleep on my arm but wakes when I go to lay her down so the three of us snuggle some more while we watch Mickey Mouse. I see bah pull up which is the signal for me to run down. wow she went for pop whats all this? she hands me the things with these instructions... "These two bags are open because they are for the munchkins.. not all tonight but for tomorrow too. These two bags are for you to leave at the bottom of the stairs till they go to bed cause they are just for mommy. (they were tied shut). This is the sick pop in a big bottle. And these (handing over a dozen roses and babies breath) are so you know that if you are a mommy you are ALWAYS beautiful." Yea I teared up. So I gave kids sick pop, special juice, and oyster crackers for their night time snack. Put them to bed, arranged my roses piece by piece in a vase, and went to get the bags.

One held light bulbs for the kitchen lights that were all burned out but one but I had no money to replace, and the 7 year new bulbs to switch in other rooms that she must have noticed were out as well. The other bag held tapioca pudding (my favorite), ravioli, sauce, chocolate, and little wieners. A mommy dinner, with desert, and wiener. lol.. I'm crying again. Cried when I opened them up, and cried when I'm typing this.

So I've decided that when i grow up I want to be my momma. She is unlike anyone I have ever know. She has always been there for me, even when I've pushed her away. She always knows what to do, say, or give to touch me in just the right way. I aspire to be her, but doubt I will ever get to her level. I hope someday my kids will look at me and see an ounce of what my mom is. Then my life will be fulfilled.

Back to normal life

2008-01-06T21:14:00.000-06:00

So tomorrow is Monday. First week of a new year.. and back to life as usual. tomorrow the whole routine starts over of not being able to hit the snooze button one more time. No extra 9 minutes before the daily life starts. Must bet up, must gets kids up, get breakfast, get them ready, get me ready, gather everything needed for day with hopefully no forgetful items in there.... Bring Freida to the sitters house, pick up her two boys, get her two and Fred into my car, bring her two boys to school, drive to my sons new school (first day in their new building), then get me to work! And yes people.. that is allllll before Eight AM!! I'm exhausted already. But on the upside Fred is ECSTATIC that he gets to go back. That little guy loves homework, school, everything about it! I'm sure it will fade one day but it helps now.

On another front Boyfriend and I are no longer. It just wasn't something for the long haul or for the much longer haul so I figured why drag it out. I laid it out that i had to think about some things, and that i didn't want our relationship to revolve around just sex. and that was two days ago. But I don't miss him so I guess it was the right thing to do.

The nice thing is I've realized I'm worth it. And I don't have to settle. And you know what.... I don't need a man to make me happy. I'm a good, strong person who will find someone if its meant to be. And no man can fill a hole that I've made in myself if I don't fix it first!

My New year

2008-01-02T18:15:00.001-06:00

So I don't need to make a new years resolution this year... if i did it would be to go crazy this year!! But.. I did go crazy on Dec 31, 2007 Through Jan 1, 2008. In my little two bedroom apartment... I went crazy. All the way, totally and completely! Why you ask? Juicy you say it sounds? Want all the gory details? It was me.. and 3 boys and 3 girls. P-A-R-T-YYYY like a rock star.. all the way.. cough cough... okay so it was me in my little apartment with my two kids, Gigi's son, and my two nieces and nephew. Thats right 6 kids and just little old me. Lol. I must have gone crazy right?? It was fun though.. Gigis son came over and him and Fred and Freida put on Happy new Year necklaces, drank sparkling grape juice from mini margarita glasses, ate pizza rolls and alphabet spaghetti o's. They thought they were gods! Then the other kids arrived and they ran crazy for about 10 minutes.. then I said okay heres the plan. I put Rattatouille on and made pop corn with extra butter and grape kool aid. Every one took a seat on the couch, put blankets on , snuggled down and watched a movie and ate popcorn and cookies. They actually sat still for a long part of the movie.. then got up and played quietly on the living room floor while watching the movie. then came bed time.. i know.. everyone reading this just grimaced. Gigi's son went down first as i knew he would have to be asleep before anyone got there. He went down in the playpen at the end of my bed. Then in the kids room I tried to put my niece to sleep but she hasnt stayed anywhere but her house pretty much so she wanted sissy. So before long it was time anyway. I put Fred and my nephew in my bed. Then put My two nieces in the bottom bunk of the kids room, and Freida in the top bunk. And waited. And went fromt he couch to one room, to the other, to the other, and back.. lol. About 10:30 everyone had fallen asleap (or so I thought) and you have to figure... six kids in a strange house, not used to sleeping together, not bad even if you did start at 7:30 right? but then i knew I heared my son talking so i went to calm him down. He is used to having a night light and I had no extra to put in that room.. and i couldnt just take it away from the girls. So i went to calm him down... to discover he had gotten in the bed with the baby and woke him up!! UUGGHH.. so i dragged him out of there and put the baby back to bed. I ended up on the couch sleeping with fred who at 4 1/2 is all elbows and knees. Of course after forcing him to stay still for less than 3 minutes he was O-U-T. So once he started snoring I picked him up and put him in the bed. Ahhh.. I layed down to go to sleep .. on my couch.. under a little blanket (as opposed to my nice euro-top queen bed with extra fluffy comforter) only to be woken up at midnight by the crazy antics of my neighbors screaming happy new year. gee.. Thanks.. glad i know. So woke up to realize that Fred had apparently woken up and came back out here and fallen asleep on me. So I got up to go to the bathroom, then came out and layed on the other couch and slept till kids woke me up at 6:30. We had a doughnut buffet gracias to Gigi. Then they played for a few hours till their parents came to get them. And then i exhaled.. lol. it was fun though, but would I do it again? I don't know.. maybe. but not next year.. OH NO. I figure i've paid my debt I should have NO problem finding a babysitter next year So me and boyfriend (please suggest a name) can go out!

So so sorry all

2007-12-30T17:59:00.000-06:00

So I knew it had been awhile but seriously... 19 days since I last blogged! Don't ask me how I have survived for goodness sakes. I'm sorry to whoever got the bitching out lol... SO whats happened.. Christmas was great.... And hard. I love seeing the wonder on the kids face but I'm so happy its over.

Fred gave me some memorable quotes.. I have officially been "Duh'd" by my 4 1/2 year old.. that was one for the books. He opened up a pirate ship with Captains and was so amazed he proclaimed loudly.. "Holy Shoot!!" To which I said.. we should not say that again dear. We were at my dads Christmas and Fred came down holding his new shirt out saying it was wet.. it was just a little splatter but with a boy you never know.. so I asked.. How did your shirt get wet? He replied : Because I was washing my hands Me thinking uh-oh: Why were you washing your hands? Fred: cause I was touching my Pee-Pee! (said very matter of factly) Me: OH! Um.. and why were you touching your pee-pee (as if I want to know) Fred: Cause I was going potty (said with a duh kind of tone) lol. kids gotta love em.

Boyfriend.. who has yet to be blog named .. and I are still going strong. Definite possibilities there for the future... but you know.. one step at a time. We just went to see National Treasure: Book of Secrets last night.. was very good. Yes there were a couple predictable parts, yes it was no Indiana Jones.. but I loved it and so did he. For Christmas I got him a packers desk calendar, a pair of totally cute boxers with Santa hats, and a redneck dictionary as a joke so that he can make fun of his friends back in Missouri. He got me candles, heart candle holders, and a set with lotions, cuticle creams, body oils etc.

Dick.. ehh.. whats to be said.. hes still Dick. I think he was doing really nice and then found out from his lawyer that I am entitled to part of his bi-yearly bonus... which is all his own fault. I mean if he had not been threatening to sue me then i wouldn't have gone to talk to my lawyer, and I never would have realized that I was not getting something for the kids I was entitled too!!

My mom and I went to Geneva spur of the moment today and it was such a blast! We ran into a leggings sale that was amazing.. and since my dear Freida has no but to hold up pants this was a good thing. You laugh but she is 3 years and almost 3 months.. and wears 12 month skirts, and shorts. pants have to be 2T but they must have adjustable waistbands and belt loops... and even then require constant readjusting!! Oh and I had the most horrible Starbucks coffee drink of my life! no seriously.. like it could have raised the dead.. and not in a its so good kind of way!

I think thats it.. working allot, shopping some but not allot, catching up on sleep, being with boyfriend and spending time with family and friends. I had a great Christmas and i hope all you did too!!

the question

2007-12-11T08:59:00.000-06:00

So this morning we dropped Fred of at school and Freida and i were waiting at a stop light. Two snow plows drove by and she asks "Mommy.. why did those trucks have kitty litter stuffs in them?" i laughed so hard.. so I explained to her about salt trucks.. but it was totally adorable!

Back to the date. I am going to see where it goes. I think I was unsure if I would see him again because I was so awkward. But Ive come to realize that it was not awkward Bad.. just awkward unknown. I mean Dick was my first everything and I haven't actually DATED that many guys since. So going out with someone that you don't know and that doesn't know me is a little strange. He actually came over last night after kids were long past asleep and we sat and talked for a couple hours then he went home. It was nice. The thing is I'm not sure if the attraction is there. But I'm giving it a chance and well see where it goes. Hey after all whats the worse that can happen? I can spend a couple weeks having fun?

The Date

2007-12-09T14:02:00.000-06:00

SO last night I went on a date. Yes I know calm down... me ... on a date!!! lol. I'm not a member of this dating site but I have a profile So i can look every once in a while and even send limited correspondence if I so choose. Well a guy sent me a comment, and I sent one back and we ended up talking on the phone. We have allot in common, we laughed CONSTANTLY. One of the things we had in common was liking wine. So he asked if I wanted to meet last night to go to a wine tasting. I found a sitter and was waiting for him to call to confirm that I did found a sitter. He called and said he had an idea.. although a wine tasting would be fun .. maybe we should wait to go till next time since you couldnt talk much. He wanted to go to Naperville for dinner and then for desert to a place that serves chocolate fondue. Are you kidding.. that was a great idea I said! And he was right.. better to talk.

So we went to Mongolian grill which I had never been to before and it was great! I will admit I was a little nervous when I saw bins on the salad bar type set up full of raw meat of different varieties. but it was really good. and fun to watch them make. I got a drink, he got a beer, and we ate.. using chopsticks at first then both switching to forks after a while. Then we brought the glass his beer came in to the car. It was this big mug that was really nice and if you brought it back refills were dirt cheap. So then we went back and walked down to the fondue place. it was so much fun! He opened all the doors for me, was so polite, paid for everything.

At first I was not sure if I would see him again. But I came to the realization that we have allot in common, he was funny and it was fun. I think it was just nerves since i really have not been on too many dates. and I was comparing things about him which come on.. you cant do . he will not be the same as anyone else. So I talked to him again today already. And i decided I will see him a couple more times and see how it goes. He is funny, a single dad, has a great job, we have allot in common... and come on.. hes a packers fan!! lol... So I'm chalking last night up to nerves and going from there. Well see!

Yesterday

2007-12-07T06:59:00.000-06:00

So wed I went home sick from work, much to my horror. No sick days left since using all for divorce things... So rested up and went to work on Thursday feeling GREAT! i was thrilled as I could NOT afford to have another day off work... let alone allot for the flu! So yesterday i was giving a patient some instructions for after surgery and amid my second sentences she stopped me. She stopped me to say: "I want to tell you that you are very good at your job." Me.. a bit shocked and shy said Thank you.. that means allot to me. "No really.. i don't know if people tell you that every day but they should. You held my hand, helped me with my breathing, distracted me, noticed I wasn't feeling well before I said anything. I was terrified and you made it amazingly better." I was flabbergasted! It was such an amazing thing to be told. And you know i LOVE my job. I love going home and knowing that I helped someone feel better that day. I never knew I would have an interest in the health care field.... Although my mom did tell me when I was little that I should be a pediatrician. And now that I'm typing this before I left on Wed to go home.. a dad came back in to tell me thank you for keeping his daughter distracted... it helped alot. He came back in to tell me thank you. It felt great. You know... little things like that.. no mater how bad your day or week is.... make it all okay and doable.

Assumptions from today

2007-12-04T15:52:00.000-06:00

There is a reason I've put off cleaning my oven for so long.... I mean seriously... shake, apply.. let sit TWO hours!?!??!?! come on... I mean I dont even remember what it was that spilled any more but since its been a little over an hour and I just tried and it was not all coming offf.. guh.. to smell so strongly it should really REALLY work faster!

I hate Small Kitchens! I had a large beautiful one in our house! come to think of it I've had a large one in all but my very first apartment. and even that one wasn't to shabby. But here.. I cant stand it. closed it small small small... its horrible to keep clean and yea I know it is an easy way out.. but you know... if you don't see it why keep it clean??

So if that is the fact it could technically go for the laundry room too right??? right!!! .. oh I hope so.

I love my kidos.. seriously... I could not LIVE without them.... Sure there are bad times, stressful times, times you just wish they would GO TO SLEEP!!! but you know.. over all... They are darn cute. and I love them to death. I would literally DIE to keep them safe and happy.

cell phone batteries.. no batteries in general.. they die to damn fast!

and yea.. same goes for lightbulbs.

:-)

Post ala Tracy

2007-11-29T07:01:00.000-06:00

Yes thats right. I have absolutly no idea how four days goes by withought a post when i thought I missed one day! guh. where does time go. So as I'm waiting for leaving time to come around this morning I am going to do one that tracy taged us all for.

10 Things I Did This Week:

1. I went to work.

2. I brought the kids to McDonalds for a happy meal since I didnt have the energy to cook.

3. I put up my christmas decorations.

4. I made a vow to go through the boxes in my storage room to remove old life stuff.

5. I THOUGHT about washing my car.. hehe

6. I blog comented my sister like a milion times..... on one post.

7. I watched Shrek the Halls.. which was cute.. but very short.

8. I paid my babysitter... late.. sorry gigi

9. I held numerous hands during shots.

10. I ate out too much.

9 Things Still On My Agenda This Week:

1. Do laundry

2. Take out the garbage.

3. Do dishes.

4. Call the the dad i ocasionaly babysit for to see where my money is.

5. Pay my Rent

6. Go to burlington coat factory to do an exchange.

7. Drive to yorkville to work.

8. Cook Dinner

9. Check my pockets for Pens BEFORE I wash them.

8 Shows I Watched This Week:

1. Nip/Tuck.. Favorite show EVAH

2. Shreck the Halls

3. The News

4. CSI

5. October Road

6. How the grinch stole christmas

7. Without a trace

8. ESPN.. not by choice

7 Things I Cooked This Week:

1. Cereal

2. Donoughts

3. Happy meals

4. Spagetti

5. Coffee

6. Bananna

7. KFC
(Its been a bad week)

6 Things I Read This Week:

1. Surgery Consents

2. Parents

3. All about You

4. Classified Adds

5. Reindeer

6. Mouses First Christmas

5 Reasons To Be Happy Today:

1. I have two beautiful, healthy, happy babies.

2. My mom talked to me this morning

3. Coffee from the Gas station

4. I dont have to get out of my car this morning to get gas cause I did it last night

5. I dont have to pick up Freds friend for school so I had 20 extra minutes.

4 Things I Need To Buy:

1. Laundrey detergent

2. Eggs

3. Broccolli

4. cat Food

3 People I Saw This Week:

1. Gigi

2. A million Patients

3. Fred and freida

2 Things I Am Thankful For Right Now:

1. My Family

2. My friends

1 Final Thought:

Dont settle for less than you deserve just because you are scared. If you never jump you wont know what could have been.

Raise your hand if....

2007-11-25T19:14:00.000-06:00

So if you read my last post raise your hand......... oh wow.. well thanks... No of those people, raise your hand if you saw a breakdown coming from putting up my Christmas decorations. Okay.. now why am I the ONLY one who does not have their hand raised!!

So I started pulling all the bins out from my little storage room outside off my deck. It was nippy, I was happy. The kids were eating lunch. I got about 1/2 in and it started snowing. It was perfect. Just like I would have hoped. I love Christmas, and love decorating for it! However as I started to unpack the first bin the unbridled excitement in the kids had me stoping to put them for a nap. Which they naturally first protested to, but after promising to put the tree up after they woke up and only if they slept.. they went right down! Then a mere 1/2 way through bin number one... I hit some things that I had not thought of. I took Christmas stuff down in the end of January for once last year... yes I'm the one known to have some Christmas items up year round. Anyway.. Dick and I separated in May so obviously the Christmas stuff had not been separated, and I had not thought of it.

We have this little restaurant here that has a gift shop with cute little things. The year we got married I went to take a walk around and look and found this adorable little figurine of two snowman wrapped in a quilt with a sign that said "We got hitched in 2001" It was the cutest thing so I bought it. And we were sure that someone was tracking our lives when for the next two years the same line was there for Christmas but the snow-family was following OUR lives! The next year was a pregnant snowman... errr.. snowwoman holding a ice cream cone. Year after was the couple holding a baby. Now the year Freida was born there was no figurine to co-inside which was upsetting. But.. those three little figurines were probably one, well three, of my favorite things year round. I LOVE them.. they meant sooo much. The milestones in my life that had meant so much, right there in my favorite snowmen.

So I came across the first one and sat for a minute or two holding it remembering buying it, the excitement, how long I kept it out. Then just as i started to stuff it back in my emotional box and go on, I ran across the second and third. I was trying desperately not to cry. DESPERATELY. The kids were sleeping, I did not want to wake them up, and damn it I did not want to cry. I have not cried about him, us, or the lack thereof in a LONG time. Problem is I tried to stop it so much i started to hyperventilate. I actually could not breath. I think that is the only actual time I have hyperventilated. So (as if i needed an excuse) I grabbed the pile I had for gigi and brought them to her house. Naturally as soon as I walked in the house she knew something was wrong and hung up the phone. When she started to get me to talk I finally broke down and just cried. God it hurt. and felt good to finally let it out. i guess I should have expected it.. but I didn't stupid me.

I bring myself back to something I said to someone just yesterday to help them out. It wont be easier, but it will be better. And it is. Just didn't see the sneak attack coming in that little bin. Phhwww. And in going through my storage I have like three bins out there from my "previous life" that need to be gone through. I think I'm going to try to do that this coming weekend when the kids are gone. Planing on getting a bottle of wine.. okay a couple bottles and dispersing of any more hidden things.

The Christmas Day

2007-11-25T09:37:00.000-06:00

No.. not Christmas day.... THE Christmas day. That is today. We got up late this am.. okay does 22 minutes count as late?? Well in this house it does!! lol.. so we got up, snuggled on the little couch (don't ask me why we don't move to the bigger one!), and watched the end half of the dolly parton Christmas movie. Now this show is on CMT every Christmas season.. and I cant stand it!! lol.. I just cant stand her.. i think thats why though. But the kids were content to snuggle and watch it and not cartoons so it was good with me! Then I got up and made eggs with cheese on top, toast with jelly, and chocolate milk. A very special treat for kids who's mommy works. They are finishing up now, we are listening to Toby Keiths Christmas special. It's really great. When we are done we are making our first "Christmas House" known to some of you as a gingerbread house. Then this afternoon we are putting up our Tree.

I'm trying to make our own little traditions for our little family, the Christmas House is my first attempt. I'm quite excited. but you know, that excitement is Pre-Toddlers, Royal Icing, and candy!! I'll let you know how that goes later. hehe

My Thanksgiving was really great. very Relaxing. It was the first Thanksgiving in about 10 years that I have not been going amid 4+ Holidays! I went to my dads for most of the day, then went to my moms for a bit. I did get down at a point since i missed the kiddos. but it helped knowing that I get them Christmas day.

Oh and Tracy pointed out a typo... I am in fact a quarter century old.. not a half.. sorry!!

The quote

2007-11-23T17:40:00.000-06:00

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
~meet joe black

You know someimes I think i should feel jaded.. or less trusting.. and I am.. in a way, to an extent. But I have to beleive.. i have to beleive that that someone is out there waiting for me. maybe he just had to go through stuff before we could find each other too. I love this quote.. it's everything i feel.

happy Thanksgiving!!!

2007-11-22T06:44:00.001-06:00

happy thanksgiving all!! i hope everyone has a great day full of family, food, fun, and relaxation!
i have so much to be thankful for this year. Its been a hard one. And at points I wouls have said I didn't have much to be thankful for. But.. today is a good day

1)My Kids- I don't think i could have done this without the two wonderful little people. They give me hope.

2)My family-for anyone who read the comments to my last post.. yes that was my mom.. and no the apple did not fall from the tree!!

3)My friends- My rock when i needed it, laughter when i was down, and new babies to make me smile and remember that life is good sometimes

4)My Job- I work somewhere that I absolutely LOVE. and i think thats very rare. not to mention that I work for the most incredible people!

5)My Depression Meds-For keeping me up on those not so great days.

6)My Cat-For keeping me company during the lonely times

7)Breath right strips-For letting me breath from my nose again.

So there is a small list of what I'm thankful for. Hope you all have a great day!

My life is forever changed.

2007-11-20T22:59:00.000-06:00

So I just had my life changed forever. let me set the scene.. or mood if you will..... it was 10-45 at night... the lights were low... As i was unable to sleep I rose and walked twords it. Picked up the box... opened it... and applied my first Breath Right Strip. Geesh people.. get your head out of the gutters!! So... Gigi's son is sick and they think he as croup.. and yep I think i got a touch of it as well as her. Fred and Freida have been on antibiotics so they should be fine. I just couldnt shake mine and it was so odd.. but it all makes sense now. So i got antibiotics, hooked up the humidifier, bought the tea and honey, the Delsym (aka best stuff ever) and alas still could not sleep. although that should be obvious since I'm typing this after 11 pm! anyway again back to topic... I also think I have a deviated septum so I cant breath... hardly.... out of my nose. My mama (aka smartest woman alive) had recommended the strips but i had never gotten them. While i was getting things at the store today I decided why not give it a try. I put it on.. in my partially lit kitchen and as i was applying the second side my eyes popped open wide and i actually said aloud.. OH! I know lame. BUT.. i could breath out of my nose! now seriously if i try to on any normal day breath out of only my nose i almost faint from lack of air. Since i put it on like 15 minutes ago i have only breathed out of my nose!! Why you ask?? Cause I can! With the added benefit that I'm not passing out! I know amazing. So you should try them!! they rock.. and i will probably rarely be without one at night now as well as when I'm sick for sure!

As a response for some of the comments to previous posts... The beast is no more. it is true. Well its still sitting outside but it was leaking gas, antifreeze, and oil. and loosing $5 per night of gas to the pavement was not my idea of a good time or a smart investment! I KNOW.. call me crazy. So yes. My boss and his wife bought me the new car. It is currently unnamed. such suggestions have been Beauty (aka.. beauty and the beast) Belle (see previous ()) Green Hornet. Hehe.. I have yet to decide on a name for her. And yes it is a her. last one was a him. Wonder how I have a sixth sense as to what sex my cars are... hmmm.. strange.

Lets see what else... The concert rocked, yes I'm old.. 1/2 a century, but i lived through it, hmmm .. there was something else i needed to reply too but i guess i will have to look later and add it to the end of another. Thanks Lainey for the post in my comments.. lol.. your list cracked me up. Love that some of you have come back to read me! i know I've been sparatic over last months. Thanks to all... As I give thanks for Thanksgiving... for coming back to me.

I will try to repost tomarow but if I don't, I hope you all have a great day. I am looking to my first hopefully relaxing thanksgiving in a very long time. My kids will be with Dick but thats okay. I will be at one place .... all day..... then leave to come home.... yea I know.. only one place! Every year we had at least 4 to attend since... well... since i was 16. Hope you have a good one.

Oh. My. God

2007-11-17T21:33:00.000-06:00

Okay people... I'm sitting in my living room right now!! I know amazing.. a living room wow. ahha.. okay but this is amazing BECAUSE I'm wireless again!! It has not been working for so long.. and the reason i did not fix it sooner.. it took me two hours on the phone... four phone calls.... two to Lynksys and two to At&T.. guh.. but oh well i'm wireless again.

Oh.. and the OH MY GOD part??!???? I HAVE TIVO!! Now all of you out there who have dish you probably have either a DVR or TIVO system. And if you don't you totally should get one. anyway back on topic... My mama got me a TIVO for my birthday! I have been without recording, pausing options since may! GUH!! It was torture!!! I have missed the last three weeks of greys anatomy because i just was not here!! well.. not a problem anymore!!! YEAYEAYEAYEAYEA... Thank you mama.. it is wonderful!!

I'm technologically advanced again!!

Oh and last night I went to my birthday present to myself.. the Keith Urban Gary Allen concert. And let me tell you. Those men are F-I-N-E!! It was such a AMAZING show!!! I highly recomend it to anyone!! We had the cheap seats and still the show was so damn amazing!

10 Things I hate and love today...

2007-11-15T20:30:00.000-06:00

So I'm not going to tell you which list is which you will have to guess..................

1) Cheaters
2) Chewing with your mouth open
3) laundry
4) Dishes
5) Leaking cars
6) Over draft fees
7) Fake friends
8) irritating patients
9) Kids who wont go to sleep
10)Migraines

1) Eskimo Kisses
2) Ratatouille
3) My new car
4) The thought of how big my pay check will be
5) Sheets that smell clean
6) Hot, Candle lit showers that are a little to long
7) My bitches left over spaghetti, so i didn't have to cook
8) My mama
9) Diet Dr. Pepper
10)New babies

Tag Your It!!

2007-11-14T19:47:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged!! And i love it!! lol.. So here goes Tracy...

8 Things about me that are TOTALLY embarrassing:

1) I have been to one concert in my life... are you ready... Clay Aiken! okay So I totally loved it but you know.. everyone else thinks its totally embarrassing so it counts! of course.. as of this Friday i'm going to another one so that stat will change!

2) One very very VERY lonely night I was drunk at a bar with my bitch and wanted to go home with a guy who we lovingly refer to as "Skater Boy" aka.. clothes to big, to quiet, dirty long hair... ugh Thanks GiGi for not letting me!!

3) Sometimes when I'm home alone I catch myself talking to my cat!! But I only have one cat so I don't think that makes me the crazy cat lady yet.. right?? okay Apollo answered me and said no thats normal!! Whew.. oh wait.. there I go again

4)I am H-O-R-R-R-R-I-B-L-E- at taking my garbage out to the dumpster!! i know.. it is embarrassing.. on my landing right now are two bags!! I mean.. my brother did it growing up.. then i moved out and it was the guys job so Dick did it... but now... well now there is no guy to do it.. sigh...

5) Once I decided to trim my pubic hair before my Gyne appointment the next day and got thebright idea to use an electric trimer for the first time.... well an accidental bump later.. i ended up forced to shave it all off or look ridiculous! and then i got a razor burn so i went bald and rashy!! hindsight.. I'll risk looking ridiculous next time!!

6) In 4th grade a boy kept putting love notes in my coat pocket for me to find later.. however when i finnaly told someone.. ends up they were for my sister and not me!!!!

7) short hair, perm, school pictures... really people.. need I say more?

8) Today for lunch i went with a couple of girls to Jimmy Johns... I was standing with one and a random guy waiting for our lunch to come up and the man behined the counter goes "FIVE!!" and I looked at him odly cocked my head to the side and said.. was I supposed to get an order number?? .. um yea.. they call it out by the sandwich number.. no order numbers.. he laughed.. my friends laughed... i was mortified!! lol

So Lets see.. I tag...

1)Gypsy at Runing from the Lows
2)GiGi at Pieces of My heart
3)Mrs. Jo at High on Life
4)Lainey at Life is Just So Daily
5)Sheri at My minivan is faster than yours

I got a car!!!

2007-11-13T19:56:00.000-06:00

So Today.. I got a car!!! Thats right! Me.. a new car... no more driving the beast!! It was leaking oil gas, and antifreeze!! Soooooo my boss.. yes i said my boss and his wife.... bought me a car!! They got it from his brother, I know they paid for it, and I know that they put a nice chunk of change into it this weekend as well as their time fixing it. And they wont let me pay for it. not a cent! To say they are the most amazing people is an understatement! I mean he kept saying Calm down its not a farari!! And i was like.. well it might as well be!!! lol... Its a green 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix... and i love it! It doesnt leak, it doesnt smell like gas... its not bigger than a semi truck... and you know... i figured out a way to thank them. I mean not just a thank you card will do.. I mean... they bough bunk beds so my kids didnt have to sleep on the floor, got me a table and chairs so they didnt have to eat on the floor, and now gave me a car so i wouldnt blow them up!!!

Soo...

I'm going to take the kids and the three of us are going to get a tattoo that reads "The _____ Rock!!" of course their last name is in the blank... that might do it huh?~!?!?!?!?

The School Bus Stop

2007-11-06T19:10:00.000-06:00

So as I got to work today I kept being asked... "Soooo how are youuu today??" I said "well.. I got here today and that is a great start!!" lol. The car is up and running now. Not fixed.. I cant say its fixed. But its running! so thats a plus.

I'm soooo bone tired when I get home from work!! I usually work 4 days a week and for this and the next two i am working 5. And although I run around like a maniac all day at work... these last four days.. oye vay... I'm cleaning, organizing, fixing, finding.. I am actually surprised that I am so tired because of the physical strain of my everyday job. But you know.. A little tv and rest time at night and I'm making myself be in bed by 10 so last night I watched Nip/Tuck which is my veryyyy favorite show! and then went to bed.

Oh and I'm not sure if i told all of you that I have turned into a school bus! no not that I have gotten huge,.... although I have.... but In the morning I put my kids in the car, drive across town to pick a boy up who's mom's car is broken (and usually brings Fred home from school), then drive back right behind my house to drop Frieda at Gigis house, then pick up her two sons. Then I drop the big kids at their school and then drive and drop off Fred and his friend to school... and then finally head out to drive to work! AHHH!! Its a hectic morning which has me g3etting up at 5:30, and being out my door by 7:20 and not leaving town until 8!!!!!!!! So yes.. I'm a school bus!!!

The Broken Day

2007-11-05T20:31:00.000-06:00

Yes thats what I've named this day... which I'm glad is over.. or nearly.... The broken day. So I've known that my batterie was going dead for a couple weeks. I was just trying to get through to this Friday in order to get a new one as they are not cheap. So I was on the phone with my mom on the way to work this morning. She was trying to get me the back way to one of our offices that I dont usually go to. So I'm almost there... and my car starts sputtering.. I could only get it to go 45 miles per hour.... I kept saying Oh crap.. oh its gonna die.. oh crap.... At least thats all I can remember saying along with I didnt know where I was to have someone get me. Although there were probably other explatives that went along with it. So then My phone dies on me. Okay well it lost signal.. Great i think.. but at least mom gave me the next two turns so I can find my way. Well I was nervous to stop at the stop sign with my car acting the way it was.. so I looked both ways not a car in sight and I went. Well................... half way through the turn my car died... thats right.. D-E-A-D dead as a door knob. It took all my strength to get my car off the road as much as I could... Call my mom and freak out. she said she would call a tow truck and I needed to call work to have someone come get me.. yadda yadda yadda.. doing her best "mom" voice to try and calm me down. I'm like Okay okay okay okay.... so we hang up and I call work and just sit there gripping the steering wheel trying to just breath till my coworker got there. All the time thinking I have no money till Friday what am I going to do?!?!?!?!?!?

So She gets there and picks me up, as my phone rings and its my momma reminding me to get anything important out of my car. Oh and that she couldn't get it towed. WHAT!!!!!! Okay back to freak out mode... to which I was cut off by her stating that she called the tow truck company and they said No I can not send someone to tow the car and that it was because My boss had in the mean time already called and got one to get my car! OMG how nice.. I know I work for the worlds nicest people. So then I get to work and he tells me it was towed to a shop that is good and reasonable price and they would call when they found out what was wrong. "Okay thanks" I say out loud when inside I'm thinking..."I'm 45 minutes from home... no car to get home... no money to pay for the broken car to get me home...'" sidetracked by hmmm whats that noise?? well it was my phone telling me it was dying! nice huh!! So I turn it off. Phone call after phone call after hour after hour later.... They call me that the car is done.

WHEW!! Oh wait... what did he just say?? "The alternator is fixed but you know that car really needs other things fixed right?" Says Mr. Mechanic Man Yes I state, the brakes are going out and its leaking oil. That was all you found.... right?? Well he says yes and... (the pause that scares you) It is leaking gas. WHAT THE #$(%*&#@Q)#$*#%R&)Q##&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE JUST PUT A NEW GAS TANK IN IN APRIL BECAUSE IT WAS LEAKING GAS!!!!!!!! And he says.. calmly.... that he isn't sure where it was leaking but it was definatly my car and it was definatly gas... and... that he doesn't recommend I throw any cigarettes out my car window. Nice.. humor..... good try Mr. Mechanic Man.

So my car was ready, my phone was dead, then I broke the radio at work, then I broke two pens at work, then I almost dropped a heavy shelf and broke my head! I know whew that that didn't happen. And then to top it off I got Mrs Jo a job cleaning an office and was supposed to walk her through it tonight. But after getting it fixed, finally getting there to pick it up, driving the long way home (since i no longer remembered the directions after all that), and traffic.. Well I just could NOT do one more minute. So I had to bail on her.. again.... and couldn't even call to tell her earlier since my phone was dead and wouldn't turn on... and have the other lady show her what needs to be done on Thursday morning..

SO I broke my car, my phone, my pen, my radio, almost my head, and my friends heart.

geesh.. broken day i would say!

My new business venture

2007-11-03T14:49:00.000-06:00

So I laughed when i looked at my page after my last post. It started with.. well I've missed a couple of days. When intact...... It was almost a whole week!!! lol.. oops. darn secretary anyways! She keeps making those kind of errors on my blogs. hahaha

So this is my childless weekend. And I started a new venture. gigi babysits as you all know.... and takes every other weekend totally off. Well she watches a little boy who's dad works the weekend that she takes off. He is such a cute little thing.. well call him Munchkin. So I offered to watch him. Today is my first day.. Munchkin is a dream child. He gets here at 5:30 AM goes back to sleep till 9 AM. takes 1-2 naps and plays wonderfully. So I have accomplished something... I make extra money, get my baby fix,, get to sleep in, go wherever I want... i still get to do everything that is important when its my off weekend... and get paid for it!! I just got done cleaning and vacuuming. I forgot who easy it is to do that with a 12 month old as opposed to a 3 and 4 year old!! lol. He just followed me around laughing and smiling. Where as the older kids... they stop me, ask questions, tattle tale etc etc etc. I'm having such a good time with the little guy! And hes gone before i would want to do anything at night! Its a great way to make much needed extra money!

Well I missed a couple days..

2007-11-02T17:15:00.000-06:00

Sorry.. I've been trying hard to get on here daily. Today i had a meeting in Yorkville and didnt get back to my normal office till 2:20 pm. then I had 27.. yes I said TWENTY SEVEN... voice mails that came in to all three offices that I personally had to take care of!!!! So I didnt get done with those till 4:30 amid the other string of calls coming in from everyone calling back since all offices were closed till that time! sooo.. I still had to get all charts ready for Monday complete with any paraphernalia that goes with them... and copy a chart to be picked up on Monday.. all in 1/2 hour. Needless to say i did not get done. So now I'm home waiting for Dicks mom to get here to pick the kids up since he would not take them till the morning and I said.. I'm sorry I have things to do.. since after all he always has a reason. And then.. thats right.. I GET TO GO BACK TO WORK!!! I got about 1/4 of the charts prepared so I have to go back and do the rest as well as needing to copy the patient chart. Yea... I'm so darn excited. :-! Oh wait.. no I'm not... I'm FREAKING EXHAUSTED!!!! I want to go get a bottle of wine.. lay on my couch.... drink it... and veg out!!! guh. Well oh well maybe when I'm done I will just cause I can. Talk to you all soon.

Oh and P.S. Thanks for all your support through everything I've been going through. You guys are great!

This Blog Is Rated:

2007-10-29T18:33:00.000-06:00

So ... I'm not sure but i think I've mentioned that Dick has not been getting the kids for his visitation. So this is his weekend. You know.. that one time that i get two not even whole days to do as i please.. and what i need to get done... god bless my children I don't know what I'd do without them.. but when you are the sole responsibility of two toddlers.. a break is in order every once in a while. And I'm trying to not feel guilty about that. So The phone just rings

**** WARNING: this is where we go rated Dick*********************

It is dick.. and he says.. if i have to get the kids later and not early on Friday or not get them at all this weekend would that be alright? I'm like.. and say.. "What!!" in calm horrified amazement... he says.. Do you remember Angel (name changed) I say who? as my brain is not functioning out of the shock yet. He says.. Angel Died last night and my dad is finding out when the wake and funeral is... if it is in Tennessee then I have to drive. And wont get the kids. I say "ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!? You aren't going to get the kids at all this weekend"" He then says.. I'm just fucking asking are you listening to a damn thing I'm saying!!" I'm asking if you have plans or if that would be okay" I say.. "Dick I kind of have plans... I get one weekend a month... " and then i was cut off by him saying.. "WELL I DIDN'T PLAN ON SOMEONE DYING YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!" and then he hangs up.
Now someone dying is horrible. And it was a family friend but not a family member. I understand him wanting to go. I understand him wanting to drive his dad. I do NOT understand him not taking his kids again. I NEED A BREAK!!!

Where does he get off still swearing at me and calling me names!! Seriously!!!! I'm sooo sick of it. And I cant end the conversation there cause he hangs up on me. Oh and add to the above story that he put in the divorce papers that on his weekend he is not getting the kids until Friday.. when he could get them on Thursday.. so he is choosing to not take his visitation.. he is choosing to not take them on a day when he could.. I'M SO TIRED OF IT... SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!!!

Sunday

2007-10-28T18:34:00.001-06:00

So today I became a godparent. Gigi's youngest son is my godson. It was such a honor to be chosen. It was during church and he is a very active little guy so it was very interesting and did not want to sit still at the front of the church while the paster was talking. lol.... then right after Gigi brought him to the nursery and as walking out of the room he says very loudly BYE! which made the whole congregation laugh out loud.

Lets see what else... I made banana bread last night from a recipe i got off of recipe zarr... its an amazing site and the bread was soooo good. I'd never made it with spices in it.. it was delicious!!
I watched a movie last night. The Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith. It was soooo good. It will probably be my new cry movie. You know when you are so over stressed that you just need a good cry but you need something to break the damn!?!? It used to be the Story of Us.. but I wont be watching that for a while. The Pursuit was so touching. Reminded me that people have it worse and gave me a deep drive to better my life for my children. It was so touching.. and yes.. I balled like a baby. I highly recommend it.

I know not a big post.. but trying to get back into the swing of blogging daily.. so there was my little weekend.

This is me.

2007-10-27T03:06:00.000-06:00

Hello all. Yes that right... Its 4:06 am.. and i'm blogging. after having visited a couple blogs to read up and leave comments. I couldnt go to bed till 12:06 and here I am having been up for like over an hour already. sigh. That means that if i didnt get to comment on yours i will try to later today. I mean... There are alot of you.... but the two little people in the other room will be up. and if i EVER hope to keep up with them in what ever our ventures today may be.... I must try to sleep again. I havent had trouble sleeping in quite a while... but have the past four days including tonight. Hopefully its all just do to stress with the divorce yesterday. So Heres hoping that i can sleep again soon!!

So Yesterday was pretty uneventfull... went to the court house with my mama as moral support. *** thanks a bunch mom****** then i sat in the court room till my lawyer got there. talked to him for a minute. then we had to wait for Dick to get there So that we could sign the papers to actually get divorced.. which his lawyer was bringing with her. (Yea thats right his lawyer was a little size two blond bimbo) So they came.. my lawyer called me out... we went over the changes most of which were done.... so i signed it. went back in waited for him to sign.. got called up to the front of the court. He took the stand... I took the stand and it was done. Afterwords we walked out. My mama asking me if i needed to talk to him or.. anything..... now to explain this after her and my dads divorce they cried through all the procedings... kissed at the end.. walked out hand in hand... then went to coffee and lunch. Yeah I know right.. anyone who knows anyone who has gone through a divorce knows that this is NOT normal. But she didnt know that. I kept saying No... what needed to be said had been said. Then I realized that he had told the sitter that we were going to discous that morning about him paying her. Sigh.. i went to call her to find out if he had when he droped the kids off so i didnt have to do this. But before i could he walked out of the courthouse. so i figured (yes i was dilusional but chalked it up to my moms stories of how nicely hers went forgeting how mine is) I would just go out and talk to him about it since he told Gigi the night before that he was going to discous it with me at just such a moment. SO i got out of the car with mom... walked to the sidewalk he was going down... asked if he had paid her this morning or what we needed to set up about that... and the conversation went down from there. I will say I was so deflated from the whole situation i didnt call him names, raise my voice, or say anything mean. But.. he did.. while yelling... on the sidewalk.. infront of the courthouse.. for all to see. And on top of that he acted like he had never even HAD the conversation with Gigi in the first place. never mind this had occured not even twelve hours before. So i turned walked back to moms car who stood looking in me at aww, horror, amazement (none in a good way) at what had just gone down... got in closed the door... and then and only then did I let the tears come out. I didnt cry in the court room although I came close... I didnt cry when he was screaming at me or even in front of him... So hopefuly that is something that i still have my dignity.

Then i went to spend four hours in the hospital!! No No.. i did not get hurt... i had to get a blood test series that took that long! They think.. and i think... that I might be diabetic. But not the normal high blood sugar diabetic.. my blood drops low like 62 non fasting low. I sweat, get shakey, tingly, light headed, tired. And at work we have a glucose meter so it was easy to check what my numbers were... for those of you unawhare that is a very low number for a non-fasting person. I mean it couldbe lower yes... but you know.. since i was about to FAINT... when i get that way i have to drink some oj to up my blood sugar.

From there things went up... my mom brought me, Fred and Freida to my sis' house. And we played with the kids, knitted, and smoked. Okay so i dont smoke, but i did take a second hand smokers brake!... okay and i didnt get much knitting done at all.. but lets face it... I WAS FREAKING EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i think the day that i had warents that. And its my blog ... so i'm ALWAYS right on here.. muahhh hahhh aaahhhhhhh.

Anyway So i'm going to make a REALLY HONEST TO GOD HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHARD effort to blog almost daily... and to call and visit people. I'm sure the visiting will not happen all so often but at least i'm going to try to call more... i promise.... I'll try ;-)

Today I switch Boxes

2007-10-26T06:52:00.000-06:00

Okay So i'm totaly just aware that it has been like a month since i've posted. Sorry. Sometimes when i'm soooo over stressed i cant get it out on here. maybee i'm afraid the damn witll break not sure. Oh and i have un moderated my comments so they will shhow up. Sorry Tracy and Lainey.. i needed the email addy that you sign into blogger with to put you on her blog. OOps.

Anyway. Today is D-Day. Divorce Day. Today I switch Boxes. I'm no longer single, no longer maried. No I now have moved to the Divorced Box. this is not where i expected y life to be now. Or ever for that mater. But it is 755 now. my court time is 9:00. So soon so very soon I will oficially be everything i never wanted to be, never thought i would be. I will survive I will move on. Hopefully better things on the other side. Who knows. Only god. this is what I want and need. Everything he does just solidifies my decision on that. There may have been a couple thoguht of changing my mind early on but not in a long long long time. Today it will be over.

I am Divorced.

Pieces of Guins heart

2007-10-08T20:20:00.000-06:00

So... I have disabled my coments so that they are hidden. My Bitch Gigi over at pieces of guins heart.... has been... how to put it... infiltrated!!! Lucifer has discovered her blog.. okay discovered it along time ago... and has been using it against her. SO.. if you havent gotten your fix of her that is why! Also she is now online... so.. (you better read this gigi) she will be (had better) blog daily!! Just send a comment to this blog with your blogger sign in, email, and name... and i will pass it on to her... you will then be able to get into her blog again. I promise we will not use it in any way that you would not want. Just this one thing. Thats all.

Want to laugh??

2007-10-02T11:55:00.001-06:00

so my mom just sent me a link that is so great. If you watch good morning America you may have seen it. but if you are like me and only see things on video, nick jr, or Disney... then here you go..

hahha.. omg.. that had me laughing SO hard!!

So i bring the kids to the dr this afternoon. In an hour actually. okay geesh.. less than an hour due to paperwork needing to be done. Its a new guy.. not new just new for us. My daughter has a chest situation that needs to be monitored not really sure of many details or name actually.. so I'll post more this afternoon. And as for my son.. well if you've read me for a while he doesn't sleep. Well he does but not much, and it is a headache... and I'm worried there might be a reason. I've also had a few people ask me in the past months (two to be exact) if I've ever had him checked for add. oye. time will tell... i would be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed through my head too. But just one of those things you don't want to think might be. BUT that could also attribute to the sleeping. and whatever i need ot do to make him sleep, so his sister gets the sleep she needs, and I'm not so worn out.. I'm on it. I don't want it to be so.. but if it is then at least i can help him.

So maybe i will post this afternoon.. but had to get you this you tube.. hahaha

today is the day

2007-10-01T12:09:00.000-06:00

Well today is the day folks. My baby is Three... Happy birthday Frida. she is getting so big. I swear three weeks ago she woke up two inches taller... okay well maybee thats how much shes grown since last winter.. but its alot for such a little peanut! But i decided it was okay since when i put her little skirt on her this morning it was a perfect fit.... and it was a 12 month skirt... and she is three today!! lol... so she is and always will be my little peanut, my little bit, my lil bean. sigh. her ladybug birthday was on this past saturday. It went good. i had a little breakdown the night before when i had a cake-tastrophy. About how it all had to be perfect and it was so much less then ever before and yadda yadda yadda. Thanks for the ear and shoulder mom. But you know what. It was perfect. She loved the cake. she loved the presents. And she loved having a park to play at. Of course it was mostly for the other kids since she had to stay up and get all the grown up atention from the adults since it was allll about her. lol. It was funny this morning when i told her happy birthday little bit you are three today!! She says to me... "Mama I was three at my ladybug party... not today silly goose!" I tried to explain but then gave up.... but even though she doesnt understand and she thinks it was the other day. I think i will still possibly maybee take them to ice cream tonight. Maybee :-)

So ive decided... Maybee I will make it. Maybee my kids wont blame it all on me when they are older. Maybee i wont shrivel up in a corner and die. Maybee... but then again i'm writing this mid day and i'll probably feel diferently tonight! lol.

Quarter Life Crisis

2007-09-24T18:58:00.000-06:00

So we have all heared the term mid-life crisis. Well I've decided I'm having a quarter life crisis! i mean come on who can blame me. this year: I will be 25, Will be divorced, My baby will be three. Pick one, pick two, pick them all!! Any one is reason to be FREAKING OUT!!!! Okay maybee thats a little extreme but.. oh wait... no its not!!! How can you feel like everything you are going to accomplish in life has happened and not even be freaking 25 yet!!!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?! FREAKING OUT HER PEOPLE>>> FREAKING OUT!!!! So in a... okay mildly drunken.... episode of watching TV I got it. My B-day is November 12th.... SOOOOOOOO (Thanks to my mom since i don't get paid till Friday.. THANKS MOM) I will be going to a Keith Urban concert on November 16th!!! Oh wait.. not just Keithy-poo... but FREAKING GARY ALLEN TOO!!!!!! I know.. I'm so flipin excited. I mean i figured if you are going to be freaking out on the 12th why not have something to look forward to and snap you out of it on the 16Th.. right?? AGREE WITH ME HERE PEOPLE!!! TRUST ME.. I'M A WOMAN ON THE EDGE... AGREE.

Okay sorry.. might have.. okay ... i DID freak a little there. Seriously. I thought you were not supposed to go through this until you were much older. Apparently i was mistaken. I feel like its happened, I've been there.... and its allllllllllllllll down hill from here. Damn. Shit. whoo.. wh ooo... whooo... sorry had to breath felt a freak out coming on again. Geesh.... Its not even October.. I sure hope this is not going to bet worse before my b-day.. it could get ugly. Hope I survive!

Sigh..I'm back

2007-09-18T20:31:00.000-06:00

So I just KNOW all of you have missed me horribly.. i mean come on.. how DO you get through your day without my witty banter, blissful bitching, and absurd comments!! My internet has been out for a week.. guh. Most of which i will admit was due to me not paying the bill!! Really funny to me how they expect you to send them something back when they send you a letter.. thinking i might start requiring something back every time I send something to somebody!! lets just all hold our breath and see how that goes huh!! So then I finally got it turned on well.. payed anyway.. and they didn't turn it back on!! Was supposed to be on Sat morning but didn't actually come on till Tues morning!! I mean come on. how rude... and yea.. i did tell them i thought it was rude.
So what has happened.. I got more boxes put away and ate more junk food than i should have... turns out apparently the internet and blogging is a great boredom buster and helps avoid eating..... but also makes you not want to unpack boxes for the place you've lived for so long. haha. I finally caved and put a TV in my kids room... They are NOT to watch it at night but when they wake up they can push the movie in and watch till mommy gets up.. yea its cheap trick but you know what... it lets me get that much needed extra hour of sleep sometimes. Amazing how much you miss that rare time when your husband would do that. I rearranged some of the dressers in my kids room. what else what else... Dick came over last night to bring me some food out of the freezer from when we lived together that he didn't have room for.... IE he had to take out the chicken he would have to cook to put in frozen diners. Then tonight we got in a knockdown drag out about the fact that i had a petition for child support filed so that he could not hang it over my head anymore.... never mind that its normal procedure.. it means him paying money so he was pissed... should have seen that one coming.
Hmm... OH they FINALLY fixed the stuff in my house. My dryer vent was clogged, my screen door popped out of the tract and my blinds in the living room quit working. Now keep in mind that the vent could have been clogged by any tenant or that the blinds have never worked completely right since i moved in...... it took them THREE.. yes THREE and 1/2 weeks to get in to do this. You know.. since the maintenance guy is sooooooo busy here. so i had no.. or barely any... dryer for that long. Meant ALLOT of laundry duty this past weekend.. but i'm finally cought up. But on topic... I came home and saw the paper on my table meaning that it was all done.. and i read it... and it appears to me.. THAT THEY ARE CHARGING ME $60 FOR DOING THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Excuse me!!!! is this not what i pay rent for.. and for gods sake.. any tenant could have caused these products.. like the one who lived here before me!! geesh. Guh... i'm gonna fight it.. was going to go down today
Today i was GOING to... go down to my clubhouse about that bill, go the the food stamp place to get my stuff renewed, and go renew my wick.. had a fun filled, government funded day planed. then at 7:40 my phone rings and its my office manager. My co-worker passed out this am and her husband was bringing her to the er... guh... its her, me and the girl thats been there four days. obviously i didn't have a choice in the matter.. so.... I went to work and brought Freida to the sitters which did NOT go over well since i had already told her that we were going to be together... of course yes i know.. i wasn't even out of eyesight and the crying stopped.
WHEW.. so now you are all mostly, kind of caught up and brought up to date on the happenings of my vida loca. I know... glad you weren't here huh!!

Oh yea PS.. i must not have ate too bad cause although i did not lose any weight i did not gain any either yesterday am. YEA!!

A very nothing post!

2007-09-09T18:44:00.001-06:00

Lets see.. tomorrow is weigh in day. A little nervous.. all in all I've been good but i did go out on Friday and we all know alcohol is not the best thing for a diet! I did eat after 9 twice the past week... at least i had a yogurt cup work 1 point each time.. .but still was mad that i still ate after 9. I went to get a couple things at the grocery store today and was seduced into buying a cooking light cookbook by the amazing pic on the front, how big it was, and that it was a 20th anniversary magazine (which anniversary issues are always good) .. but as in my previous post i was HORRIFIED!! meals with a 400+ calorie 20+ fat count... my god they need to change their name.. that is NOT cooking light!!

okay off my soap box. lets see.. not to much new or interesting in my life. I was reafirmed in my if i give dick an inch he has to take a foot. This is ALWAYS how it was in our relationship and i've put my foot down for the most part. He called and asked if i could take Freida back today so him and Fred could get some alone time.. he wanted to take him to a demolition derby (which I knew he would love). For some background Freida always gets that little extra while Fred is at school. He always takes her to breakfast.. every day.... and usually wal mart. Now this year she is old enough so that her first words when he gets in the car after school are. hi Fred.. i went here and here.. and we did this and this. Now this makes him mad and i know she only does it to rub it in which makes it a little funny. But back on subject... I called him and said fine. ... I mean Me and Freida could have a good girls day. so he says he'll bring her home at 11. Then he shows up with her at a couple minutes to 10! I was like um you said 11! Then as they are leaving i say okay Fred I'll see you at six!! (the usual drop of time) and Dick is like well i can bring him home when its done! and I said.. UM NO!! You wanted time with him spend time with him not like theres not a million things you could do with him where you are going!! So needless to say he showed up at my door 1/4 to four. Now the race STARTED at one... and it was at least 40 minutes to get here. He didn't bring him around the fair at all!!! there were tons of things there Fred would have loved. And hes only getting them for a couple hours on Thursday then not till next week... seriously... he couldn't take a couple hours with his son!

Lonely

2007-09-04T19:49:00.000-06:00

You know today is one of those days. I'm lonely. Just plain lonely. The kids are here and i'm happy mommy. I get all my snuggles.. all my i love yous. My bitch Gigi has been over so i got my complain on, got to (try to) comfort. I cooked, watching a funny show (tori and dean inn love.. I LOVE IT). I'm baking cakes for another cake order.. for my mom if that counts...lol. .. which i love to do.

But you know... i miss someone to come home snuggle on the couch with. put my head on his lap... his arm resting on my back. Someone to climb into bed with rest m head in that perfect nook of his shoulder... kiss the top of my head. or to spoon with.. i love spooning. I miss having someone to comfort me. There is something about these situations that just cant come from friends or family or kids. Sometimes i just cry because i miss it... i need it.

Blah... I am FINALLY going to get my hair done with my mama tomarow. I'm very overdue. So hopefully that will make me feel a little better. Everyone says.. Pokey.. you are young.. you'll find someone.. i'm SURE of it. Well you know what.. the problem is I'M not sure of it. And what am i going to do between now and then.... How am I going to fill this need? First of all.. I OBVIOUSLY need to get a vibrator. I know gasp.. she just said the v word. hahahah.. but you know what You need what you need. I'm a big girl who never had need for one till now. I see one in my future. Whats so funny is thats not even the need i was talking about. it was the need from the previous paragraph.. but you know..the other might help. . lol

Weigh in

2007-09-03T06:39:00.000-06:00

Well there it is todays weigh in. Now I hate first weigh ins.. i know i've been sick and barely ate for three weeks.. but seriously.... I DO NOT look like i lost 18 pounds... i dont believe it at all. You would know if you lost that much weight!!! I'm sure of my starting weight though.. did it three days in a row before i made the ticker and started my diet... its what motivated me too.... and i'm sure of todays cause i actually did it the last two days and it was around the same.. how in the hell is it possible... I'm confused

Alli= CRAPOLA

2007-09-02T07:29:00.000-06:00

So I've been sick sick sick. I bought the new FDA approved Alli weight loss pill on Tuesday. I have hypothyroidism so i can never find anything to help me loose weight. Also this makes it near impossible to take weight off and i just have to look at something to gain! So... Alli did not say that.. it says my medication just may need to be adjusted.. SCORE!! So i read about it thought about it.. then bought it. I took one on tues night.. then one with lunch and one with dinner on wed ( I forgot my one with breakfast) Wed night i woke up at 12:45 with the most god awful cramps i was SURE that my appendix burst or something.. it was that bad!! Well I went to bed... being single mom doesn't allow random trips in the middle of the night to the er.. or i WOULD have gone. I woke up Thursday thinking i felt a little better and maybes i just ate something that didn't agree with me... So... silly (stupid) me.... I took one with breakfast on Thursday... then went to work.. far far far away. Okay well it was only like 35-35 min away but that's forever if you feel like crap. Well.... I was in the bathroom ALL day long... almost crying due to the cramps still... but there was ABSOLUTELY no one to work for me, so i suffered through. Came home and went to bed at 8 o'clock! (Thanks gigi for putting the kidos to bed for me ;-) ) So Friday still felt crappy.. enough to think about calling to see if someone could work for me. .... i went anyway silly me.. but that's the kids of stupid ass worker I am! Damn my sense of work ethic!! So i went muddled through till lunch. I came home and decided that maybe i was a little extra tired cause i didn't eat anything for breakfast that morning. So i forced myself to eat MAYBE a 1/4 of a can of vegetable soup. Then was so sure i was going to throw it up I went and laid in bed. I had twenty minutes to lay under my fan and calm my stomach down...... wellllll problem being i WOKE UP 37 minutes later!1 AHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA i woke up 3 minutes after our first patient after lunch i ran down, drove like a crazy woman back to work.. and when i finally stopped long enough.. felt like i was still going to get sick. It was so bad (cramps were back) I actually called two people to come in for me. but I could not get anyone to come it. UGH... so i would be cheery as possible, get them in, tell Dr. Mcfooty that they were ready, then sit with my head down,,,, and repeat till end of day.

Yesterday was a swap between Gigi and my mom stopping in with things and to check on me.... same-o same-o... then today i woke up... I fell soooo much better!!! My stomach is sore.. but it think its just that sore from cramps cause its not sick sore.

So moral of the story is.. it wasn't the Flu cause i would not have just been so much better all at once... That pill definitely reacted badly with my body!! I know the possible side effects are gross if you've read about it... but what i had is not the bad side effects.. it was practically an allergic reaction.

Well If you are still reading this sorry for the gross post!! lol... I'm sure this will also tip the scale on monday... Since ive barely eaten anyting for three days. I hate when that happens.. makes me feel like its not right.. the scale reading i mean. well see.

Not so hungry hungry.. still hippo ;-)

2007-08-29T20:52:00.000-06:00

Well its the end of day three. I must say I'm a little better every day.. yesterday i was ready to chew cardboard at 9 today i made it till 11:30.. lol.. i consider that an improvement as i have yet to find out the nutritional value of cardboard. Yesterday i only got 6 glasses of water down.. today I'm at 8!! And both days i have kept my rule of not eating after 9 in play.. although i have both nights not eaten after 8:30. Monday though.. well.. ehh.. it was okay.. did good on the not eating as much and eating better... but realized at like 10:45 i had just eaten 5 chocolate chips and a piece of bread.. yea i don't know don't ask me.. lol

Its been good though.. this is the time. I can feel it. When i get that hungry feed me now feeling i stop and think.. am i REALLY hungry? or just not REALLY full? usually its option two. So its sucked sometimes but the feelings are fading. Tonight at 8:15 i though i was truly hungry. So i had half a sandwich on whole wheat bread two pieces of turkey and mustard... and 1/2 slice of swiss but hey i counted the points. I bought the swiss before i made the resolution and at least i only used 1/2 slice not a whole one!!

My major goals in starting this (the small ones not the big ones) were to start off by not eating after 9 pm (as this was when i consumed so much) and to drink 8 glasses of water a day (i HATE water.. borrrrinnnnnnnnng) and so far I have. Yes I know its only day three.. but I've been damn good.

Much to my horror of advertising my weight for all to see.. every week I'm going to post this .. I'm weighting in on Mondays... so this is late but i have it at my weight this past Monday...

So there we go. Where I'm starting.. where i want to be.. and my BMI.. which really to most people means nothing... However.. a bmi of that number is considered obese... OBESE!!! I know i'm large but never used that word for me.. but hey .. sometimes the truth hurts.. but sometimes a kick in the gut that hurts like hell is what you need to get you going.

My next big goal is exercise. I've gotten my gazelle out from its storage place since moving. And I'm aiming for 30 minutes per night on it after the kids are in bed. i would really like to do one hour... but i figure focusing on 40 EVERY night is a good starting goal... and no one says i have to stop there!!! And i want to take the kids on a walk three nights per week at least... and once per week to the park that has a trail around it (which is genius since i can see the whole park the whole time and could be there in 1/2 a second) and walk while they play.

Real Good... Real healthy

2007-08-28T14:39:00.000-06:00

So in reference to yesterdays post I have been "recipe-ing" all day today. Now I can tell you in the years past I have gotten SOOO fed up with cookbooks that claim to be low fat, or low calorie.. you know what 600 is not a low calorie entre!!! thats just the entre not the whole meal!!! Sure it may be less than the original recipe.. but still.. that should not in my opinion be in a cookbook claiming by the title to be good for you.

I have found that Diabetic cookbooks are really the best way to go as they are truly low cal, low fat, low sugar. All the lows I look for in recipes. I usually load up on books, but (i know mom,... gasp) I have also started renting instead of buying books! So I have created a new blog:
www.realgoodrealhealthy.blogspot.com
In which i am going to put my recipes and new ones i find to try that i consider to fit in the "good for you" category.

So go look, read, cook , comment, suggestions or what worked or what didn't in the comments. Or don't.. i did it for me.. but i hope you will enjoy it too!! ;-)

Hungry Hungry Hippo

2007-08-27T18:34:00.000-06:00

So today.. today I'm starting a diet. Kind of Weight watchers kinda not. I don't have the money to actually go to meetings. But that's okay... I can do it (and Mrs. Jo may do it with me). I'm also not going to eat after nine pm. After that time i feel the loneliest and eat then eat again.. oh yea.. and sometimes eat again. But you know.. you always here about "The divorce diet".. PS.. you should see Gigi.. she looks AMAZING... anyway.... my divorce diet lasted about a month.. i couldn't eat hardly at all and what i did i threw up anyway... then the reallllllll divorce "diet" came out. The one where the more lonely or depressed i got, yea you know it, the more i ate. Hence me now being at my largest weight ever. Its making things worse. How can anyone love me until i can totally completely and truly love myself? I know i cant get back to the one time in my life that i actually FELT skinny and attractive... it was during my parents divorce and i weighed all of 107 lbs.. felt amazing.. could wear anything.. and looking back looked sick and anorexic. But i want to loose 60 lbs at least. 60 is my starting goal. So today.. today is the day. No more.. tomorrow, next week, first of the month.. its today people. so now.. I'm a hungry hungry hippo!! and yes I'm allowed to call myself that since I'm dieting. So I'm starving.. but at the same time when i think about it I'm not really hungry I'm just not stuffed at every second of the day. To top that off I've had a on again off again (although mostly on again) migraine for three days. So hungry hungry hippo + migraine = not a totally happy person but you know... it will only take a few days and i will be better. I'll get through it.. and I'm determined too. I will be a much happier person for it.

What else today.. Fred is just killing me.. hes so grown up all the sudden. He came in from the balcony and said.. "Freida wants me for something don't worry mommy.. I'll tell her its night night time" I said okay and waited.. he came back in and said "Oh mommy i need your help" So as i think this is very cute go in there and am talking to Her and Fred says "I know Mommy... here..." And precedes to sing Rock A Bye Baby to her.. in full.. it was THEE most adorable thing EVER............. EVER!!

And as a last parting note.. I'm going tomorrow to sign the loan papers for the retainer for my lawyer. But you know its a good thing too since it will get me credit since i have none since everything was in Dicks name... So look for later posts on how that's going.

Fruits of four days of labor..

2007-08-26T19:32:00.000-06:00

Hello all.. i know its been a while. but as it said in my last post i've been making a cake for a baby shower that was today. So basically since last wed night my life has been cake, work, cake, cake... So the shower was today and after a very scary car ride we arived. I'm sure i get it from my mother but i had a hard time at first when everyone was saying.. "who made the cake?" "oh my its georgeous!!"... But you know.. as gigi pointed me out.. i got more used to it. Then we ate it.. and then it started the.. "do you do this for a side job or just a hoby?" "Sometimes they look good but dont taste good.. this is great!" "The cake was amazing!" And no i'm not floating my own boat.. ask gigi.. i had a hard time with the compliments right till the end... but now sitting here looking back... Damn it felt good.

Now there were some snafoos.... hopefully from looking at it you can tell that it is two presents on top of each other. It was supposed to have a huge fondant bow on top.. however... I put it together sat night... and after a couple hours it was drooping and breaking.. turns out it wasnt dry enough.. so i had to change that.... which in turn mucked up the top of the pink layer.. so i fixed it as best as i could... and you know what.. no one noticed all the little flaws.. just me.. and (except for now) I didnt tell anyone about them. So mistakes or not, what i had exactly invisioned or not... there it is.. the fruits of four days of labor and staying up till two am on sat night to fix it... And i love it. and i love that when i bake.. which is a pasion of mine... people love what i make.. and are amazed at how good it tastes...

2007-08-25T20:24:00.000-06:00

So Fred had his first day of school this Thursday. It wasn't soo hard since he went to preschool last year. it was more hard due to the not-like-last-year things in my life now. I wont get to see him right after school sometimes for a couple of days for one. I brought him this morning (as i will every day... thank god I'm able) and of course had my camera in tow.. so i went to take a picture walking down the stairs from my apartment and he sees me and turns and poses!! and then proceeds to do this multiple times.. it was soo freaking funny. But he looks so grown up. He insisted on wearing his spiderman visor... even though "I know mommy, I'll leave it in the car" lol. But then i wasn't getting him back till Sunday night so i called Dicks dad to talk to Fred (which is the first time he has said a single word since everything with dick and I) and talked to him and then hung up and burst into tears. Go figure.. okay when i dropped him off but then loose it after hes done with the first day! But then he came home.. with his backpack... and a picture inside he made the first day of school that was "For my Mommy" ... written on it and all.

My Fred.. Year two.. day one... one mommy.. one backpack... whole lot of love and studliness in one hallway.

Oh the things we say to our children....

2007-08-21T18:45:00.000-06:00

So we all have those things we say to our kids.. the things that we say again and again and again... and don't realize we say.. till they say it back to us!

I am making a cake for a baby shower for Gigi's sister this weekend. I was looking to see what size cake pans i needed.. and knew that i had one bigger.. but could not find it. So I'm going about in the cabinets looking... I open a cabinet and some of the Tupperware and a pitcher fall out. Which falls into the cat food bowl and spills it. I'm thinking whew at least it missed the water bowl! As this was all happening Fred was sitting at the end of the kitchen doing something and saw it all.... And this was the conversation that followed:

Fred: Oh mommy (sigh)..
Me: It's okay
Fred: Mommy we really need to try to be more careful and pay attention.

I looked at him while trying to not bust out laughing and said.. Okay Fred. I'll try.
But you know I figured.. he didn't say it mean at all.. just a little like.. oh my.. what will we do now... sigh... lol... it was really cute.

Letter to the one that i hope to find....

2007-08-19T18:56:00.000-06:00

Dear Mr. Soul mate,

There are some things you should know about me. sometimes my life just sucks, i want a great guy and a great relationship that lasts, but at the same time I need to take it slow.... I like to look good and classy.. but also to dress sexy for my man. I am a very sexual person... but not liberal with myself either. I want to be wanted, i want someone who knows what they want, i want to be sure a guy is okay with having kids or that we may not have kids. I want someone who can respect me, treat me as an equal and still take care of me... someone who will know that sometimes i just need to vent.. that its not always going to be happy go lucky since my ex will always be in my life because of my kids.. and that may be ugly causee hes not a great person . You should know as well what i think love is.... its a spring moring rain and fresh blomed lilacs.... its a walk in the park in autumn with the leaves turning colors... its a man who makes you feel so secure that you can be yourself... its a feeling that lasts deeper than an initial feeling in a relaationship that will fade... its what you can have after forming a fantastic friendship with someone ... Its someone who makes you laugh.. or makes you happy.. in general Love= not so simple a definition. This isnt all of me.. and it'll take forever to really truly know all about me. But now you know some. Run if you will... but this is me.

Best cook book

2007-08-18T11:48:00.000-06:00

I will admit it.. I'm a sucker for cookbooks. I love to cook, I love new recipe's.. and i LOVE cookbooks. Expecially the ones organizations sell with a compilations of recipes from people. I got one years ago... I guess four years ago... called Potluck for Patrick. It was a benefit for A little boy named Patrick who was 5 at the time and diagnosed with cancer. it was $20.. well worth it... and i must say. my VERY favorite cook book i have. It has those hard to find recipes that were always made at your family gatherings.. and a couple variations of different ones so you can usually find the one that is what you are looking for. Along the way through the book there are some cute little poems and quotes, not to mention cute recipes that are published just as submitted... like follows...

Recipe for Tomato soup by Patricks cousin...
1 can Campbell's tomato soup
1 can water

Mix soup and can of water in the microwave covered in bowl on high about 3 minutes. then stir and serve. Note:This is my favorite food, but not Patricks.

or

Elephant Stew
1 elephant
Salt and pepper
3 rabbits (jack rabbits preferred)

Cut elephant into bite-size pieces. This should take about 2 months. Add enough brown gravy to cover.. about a swimming pool size. Cook over outdoor fire for about 3-4 months. This will serve 3000 people. If more people than you invited show up, add the 3 rabbits, but only do this if necessary because most people don't like hare in their stew!!

These were seriously in there!! lol... But here are a couple poems that i like

Angel

I thought i saw an angel's face as i looked at the sun;

I thought I heared an angel laugh when i was having fun.

And when I tucked my children in

And closed my eyes real tight,

i though I felt an angel's touch as I turned off the light.

I thought I heared an angel sigh as i ended my long day;

I thought I heared an angel sing as I knelt down to pray.

_________________________________________________________________

When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you growled all day

___________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow is not promised to us, so make the very most of today.

___________________________________________________________________

Two to Wash

There are two to wash, two to dry,

Two who argue and two who cry;

One's in the mud, having a ball,

The other holds a crayon, marking the wall.

Some days seem endless, my patience grows thin;

Why was I chosen to be the mother of two?

The answer comes clear at the end of the day

As I tuck them in bed and to myself say:

"There's two to kiss and two to hug,

And best of all, there's two to love!"

I'll admit in this one in the "why was i chosen to be the mother of two" line it used to say twins instead of two. But as i read it i felt it went with how I feel allot!! So i changed it!!

FUCK YOU MISTER DICK!!

2007-08-17T19:35:00.000-06:00

Okay.. so monday i went to the lawyers apointment on my lunch hour... mistake number one. When i get upset i get very red.. very blotchy.. and very swollen. And we are talking a sappy commercial can me get this way. But you know.. it had to be done and that was the only time i could do it.

The lawyer said that those papers was just a notice it was filed.. they were not the settlement or the joint parenting agreement. It was MOSTLY run of the mill. Mostly. But not all. That the cruel and unusual punishment and abuse thing only has to be in there if it is less than six months that you have been seperated.. and our date is March 17th... it will sooo be over six months when this is final. He said that he saw no problem whatsoever where i would not get $100 every two weeks twords child care.. hands down. That the judge would not make him pay all my fees but most likely would make him contribute to them. That he was not sure if he was trying to screw me perse but was obvious that he was using it to his advantage that i had no representation.

Now the kicker... I have 30 days from the day i was served to contest it. If i dont he can get a divorce on whatever terms he says. There is absolutly no reason that i should not be able to see the joint parenting agreement and the divorce setelment before deciding this. However.. Dick says that his lawer.. McDicky says.... that they will not be ready till NEXT thursday. Which means.. i will have less than 10 days to go over these papers, decide if i need to be represented, come up with 1500 dollars for a retainer. Basically they are trying to run me out of time... so yea .. i'm sure everything is just hunky dorey in them right!??!?!

So today Dick calls me and wants to know if he can drop of the child support tomarow instead of tonight. Keep in mind he usually gets the kids on Thursday night and drops it off with them on Fri night. But he said that he had to work and I sayed... then are you getting them on Friday (tonight) He said (this was yesterday) that his work schedule for the weekend was all screwed up.. ie in my mind.. that he had to work. So today i ask what time tomarow it would be.. he says sometime in the morning. So I'm like.. um dont you have to work tomarow? No. Then are you getting the kids tonight? I told you I wasnt. Um yea cause you implied you had to work!! WHY WHAT IN THE HELL IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO DO TONIGHT THAT YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THEM.. ITS NOT MY WEEKEND!! So is say.. i am talking about a night not the weekend.. and i am doing nothing.. You know call me crazy.. thought you would want to see them. So then he says.. well i'm not its not my weekend. I'll get them on monday. I said.. No you wont! That isnt your day to see them and i have plans. (I'm sick of him thinking he can change the visitation schedule whenever he sees fit!!! ) So hes like well whatever.. i'm not getting them tonight. I said.. oh thats okay I understand daddy is too busy getting drunk and looking to get laid to see you guys. And click I hung up on him.

Seriously.. he saw them for a couple hours on Monday afternoon.. and I mean two.. and now he wont see them again till the NEXT WEEKS thursday... because its not worth seeing them to not be able to go out!!! Oh yea.. thats if he does.. he already told me that he might not be able to due to his work. Yea my ass due to his work.

the drop off

2007-08-12T17:52:00.001-06:00

tonight Dick came to drop off the kids in his usual manner. while i turned to walk back in with the children he asked if i was going to sign the papers. To which i replied (calmly and nicely) did you talk to your lawyer about the things i said last week? he said what things there was one. I said no... and proceeded to tell him the three. I walked in walkway with kids and he called me names in front of the kids, then slammed the door... As Fred was turning back out it to give him a hug. Fred jumped back and looked at me with shock. I was pissed that he would have such disregard for his son... so i stormed out the door (okay looking back this probably wasn't the right move) .... i barely had it open when he came .. BOUNDING over at me... i honestly do not remember if he actually pushed me back or if i jumped back to avoid being pushed.. but either way i was slammed up to the door... and he had his finger to my nose screaming two inches from my face about how i was such a bitch and i was going to pay half the fees or get my own lawyer and pay for it myself cause he wasn't going to deal with this shit......

In the mean time i turned my head to the side to turn away from him and see my kids standing watching this... with a look of horror and fright. I try to inch to the side to go to them and he inches as well... finally i get past and he is screaming that I am a piece of shit that he wishes he never met as I'm trying to talk happy to the kids over him even as my insides are being torn out. Not only at the fact of what he is saying but to the fact that he did this in front of the kids.. i get around the turn in the downstairs hallway and all the sudden both kids burst into hysterical tears. I stop right there go down to their level and hug them talking soothing and asking what is wrong. Big shocker.. they say that daddy scared them and they didn't like how he was screaming and wanted a hug from him... So i go upstairs with them call him and say "You scared you kids if you ever do that again so help you god... they want to talk to you... and passed the phone to each of them. It required twenty minutes of mommy cuddling and talking and two more calls to daddy to calm them down.

Add to that that he says when they first got out of the car that he is working Mon-Fri this week so instead of getting them overnight on Thurs that he will call me or gigi (who watches them while I'm at work) and pick them up two days this week for a couple hours. I said.. no you will get them Friday night then if you cant on Thursday night. He screams that's not how it works.. its not my weekend to have them!!! (cause you know.. god forbid it should take one night out of his partying to see his children) So i turned and looked at him and said... then don't see them if its not... your choice.

Who is this person....... I have appointment tomorrow on my lunch hour with the lawyer in my building. I am not going for anything.. i don't want anything... i just want these papers to be equal... completely fair..... but if I'm getting my own lawyer you bet your ass i am doing one thing and one thing only. I will be making him have to pay for the fees.

I'm not saying the problems in our marriage were not all his fault. We both had our faults...BUT the reason it ended the way it did WAS because of what HE did. And i will not take fault for him putting his hands on multiple other people, not coming home, or passing out while watching Fred and Freida.

Oh my Ms. Jo.. weve reached that age....

2007-08-09T19:32:00.001-06:00

So.. Sigh.. Mrs. Jo's post made me be able to write this.

So Gigi watches my kids... And i got there tonight and the kids come out to tell me hi ( I was having her five star spagetti so was staying for a while) and lean down to hug Freida she was wet.. now she has had like two accidents in the past year and a half...... so i'm asking her why she went pee pee in her pants and shes saying i didnt!! I'm like Freida your undies are wet.. she looks at me dead serious and says. mommy.. you forgot to put pants on me today.. now in my head its going click click click... I say then.. "Freida did you just get on the potty and go pee pee cause you thought you had no pants on??" to which she replies yes.... So aparently she forgot she had undies and undie cover on and got on the potty and peed THROUGH her undies.. sigh

So THEN.. as i go to ask Fred if he was a good boy Gigi shesays.. wait.. i need to talk to you befor ewe have the conversation tonight... SO.. she tells me shes bene seeing things from Fred lately and wanted to be sure before she told me fore sure... So today she walks into the room where the kids are and Fred kisses Freidas arms.. then her legs.. then is going.. yea thats right.. so gigi walks in and she freaks obviously.. cause i guess this is what she had been wondering if she was seing for sure. I dont know if he walked in on Dick doing this with his girlfriend since they told me they were over there and daddy and Liz went into the other room. And who knows maybee they walked in on it... so Gigi went through the boys parts and girls parts thing.. then i went through the Your pee pee is your privates and no one gets to touch them but you.. so you dont touch anyone elses either...

OMG .. i know.. and then i have noticed latly he willbe touching himself.. you know my four year old.. so i say Fred.. we do not touch our pee pees around outher people

seriously.. i cant handle having to do seperate baths and dressings already.. and does this mean that i cant walk out of a room while putting my bra and shirt on?? sigh

two post day

2007-08-08T19:57:00.000-06:00

Okay.. this TOTALLY requires a two post day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpEsNrYEssw

You will love me for it trust me

Catching up

2007-08-08T17:21:00.000-06:00

Okay.. I've got a few questions.. and people were quite miffed that i did not tell them.. so lover boy and i are no more.. for a few weeks now. He kinda fell of the face of the earth.. but i think him and his x are trying to work things out.. which is great for him and the kids.. and suckola for me.. i miss him terribly and ... i know its bad of me... but hope they don't work out and i hear from him again sometime.

Other news ... I put in my notice at work today. I got offered a job a couple of nights ago by someone I used to work with. It is back in banking, has more pay per the hour .. only a little but its something, incentives and bonuses, INSURANCE (that's the seller). I knew i would have to get a new job within a years time due to my insurance ending when the divorce is final... and was so not looking yet. figured in about six months i would put in a couple months notice. Needless to say.. i don't want to leave my current job. It is a great job which i just love... I'm so fascinated by all things surgery... but i have to be realistic.

Its just me against the world.. and I've got my babies to take care of in the mix. I would be silly to pass up the job since what are the chances of such a great job coming my way in six months-ish?? VERY slim to none. I have no degree, experience in banking, throwing newspapers, and medical. However without a degree in some medicine related field that's pretty much out. and since throwing newspapers is non lucrative.. i knew that i would be going back to banking. Which is fine... i liked it then and i like it now.

But to say the least I'm scared shitless.. i know I'll be good at it blah blah blah.. but lets face it.. switching jobs is scary as hell when there is no second income to go back on. Add to that the beast.. not in the best condition to do driving daily... and the fact that i have NOT A SINGLE piece of clothing that would apply for that job.... scared shitless. I mean... i'll get over the scared, hope the car will hold out. But the clothes.. gonna be much worse if i show up all voluptuous woman in my bra and undies to a bank to work.. hahaha.. i know great visual. I don't even have shoes!! okay starting to freak out again... need to change subject....

So here's me... divorcing, switching jobs, loverboy-less

oh yes.. that change of subject calmed me down alright... i need to break open the wine my mama brought me from Galena......

P.S. while spell checking this i realized that shitless is not in the dictionary.. odd

Youve been served...

2007-08-06T18:39:00.000-06:00

so today i droped the kiddlets off at Gigis house and walked around my building to the front... got out to my car and low and behold next to MY car is a county cop car... so i sigh... open the compex door.. walk through to the door that leads to my stairwell... and look up at the officer looking down and say.. "Hi you are looking for me.. " and waved. kinda funny looking back... and there you have it.. before 8 AM and i am officially being served my divorce papers.

So i drive to work (eating my dry cereal from a ziplock bag) go in.. sit down and read them. Now at first i'm surprised cause its just the dissolution of a marriage papers and no joint parenting agreement.. which i know has to be there too.... and it wasnt. Anyway so i read them...

a) blah blah blah... irreconcilable differences.. blah blah blah
b)That without fault or provocation on the part of the petitioner, the respondent, Pokey, has been guilty of acts of extreme and repeated mental cruelty towards the petitioner, Dick.

Okay so most of that was not word for word.. but b) was.. except for insertation of pokey and dick.. but you get the point.. now wait.. I was mentaly curel with extreme ways to HIM?? Let me remind you that he was cheating on me, did not come home, and passed out in a chair when supposed to be attending our children... but I was extreme mentaly cruel to HIM??!?!?!?

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So needless to say i left him a message that i would not agree to this and he needed to get it changed. to which he responded to me with a call in the middle of my work day swearing and screaming about me about why couldnt i just sign the papers and that.. "come on what did i think all those years and YEARS of fighting were?" and followed by... "You were the one who left ME witht the kids in that state!!" Once i stoped seeing blinding red i said.. and i quote...
"YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT"
Not yelling.. was actually quite calm about it then hung up the phone.... i mean.. i'm sorry but did he jsut SERIOUSLY blame ME for him passing out with them?!?!?!?!?!? Does he seriously think that if i had ANY indication that he was riproaring-passouting-drunk... that i would leave MY children with him!! HELL NO! hence the reason i came back and got them in my car when i saw how he was.

Well there was more drama in the papers... but mentaly thats all i can take for tonight. I must sleep tonight.. after all i'm impressed i'm still functioning since i am going on two 1/4 hours sleep right now....

And the moral of the story is......

2007-08-05T20:39:00.001-06:00

OMG.. my last post was the 31st!!! I'm so sorry everyone.. as my blog stalker (who better comment on this) told me i need to blog again!! I've actually been feeling very down and funky these past few so didnt figure anyone wanted to hear about it. Dont ask me why though.. since my philosophy is if you dont wana read it click on a different link!! hahaha.. instead of close the book.. hahahaha.. cough cough.. i'm better now. But seriously this is such an outlet for me so dont know why i havent just typed it out of my system who knows maybee it would have made it better.

So we are having storms here today... pour, then sun, then drizzle, then pour... repeat process in various order. And then half way into the afternoon my DSL stops working!! grr. So waited till kids went to bed.... correction .... till i put the kids in their room and locked the door..... and called att. guh i havent even had dsl for two months (or something) and this is the second time this has happened! So they get me connected with this retarted lady who is obviously from India , and aparently has been told all callers are totally computer illiterate so make them pissed off!!! anyway so it is done and she wants to give me to her supervisor to do a survey..... and i hang up on her.... okay so i shouldnt have done that... but in my defense with what i've had to deal with the last few days she was the LAST thing i needed.

But before that she gave me the phone number to Lynksis who my router is through to get wireless again. And for some stupid reason i called it instead of mudling my way through it like last time to go wireless on my own. Get anoyed right off the bat when the man who picks up is Indian... not like i'm gonna scalp you like he was from India.... anyway... so i'm waiting for my computer to reboot while on the phone just thinking to myself hey this guy is not making me feel like i'm a complete computer moron.. thats nice.. made it go alot faster!! When he says "so where are you calling from" and i say "Illinois... where are you at?" I mean really you never know if the guy is actually in India or if hes in a little office in New York.. which by the way i had bets on.. how many guys in India really say "Sweet!" ... lol.. yea he really did... So he says I'm in India. REALLY>!?!? WOW.. i say.. being soooo literate.... then i laugh and say what time is it there? and Mr Indian dude says "about 7:30 AM" I laugh and say its "9:30 PM here!" and we had a laugh over that... it was really actually kinda funny.

So at the end of his call he asks if i can talk to his supervisor for a survey.. to which i say "Absolutely!" .. yea i know.. you are sooo proud right now mom. So I'm waiting and his supervisor comes on and says "Hi.. I'm the supervisor is this Jessica?" was funny i didn't get his name.. just ... supervisor.. lol..... So he goes through the normal questions and then at the end comes the question is there anything else you would like to say? and I say "Yes.... you should give him a 20% raise!!" To which the supervisor starts laughing.. okay we both did... and he said "that's original!!" and we both laughed and i said.. "I have to go to bed now.. you guys have a great day at work today!"

So moral of the story. Sure.. my life sucks ass right now. And my night may have been worse.... and I may cry myself to sleep again like i have so much this past week... but hey.... I made homebody's day in India start off great!

The defiant one...........

2007-07-31T17:49:00.000-06:00

I have posted lately about the battle of wills that Fred and I are having. It is always worse after he gets back from Dicks house because he does not follow though. Tonight has been no different. I got home from work and made dinner. Everything was good. He was running around playing with Freida. He asks me mommy am i being a good boy? And i replied "Yes Fred you are being a VERY good boy!" To which he is very happy... then twenty seconds later he flips over the back of the couch. I say are you supposed to do that? He looks at me and says "No" I say don't do it again. Then he almost slams Freida's fingers in the door he is NOT supposed to open and close. I yell.. Do NOT do that!! Okay sorry he says. Then he gets up on the couch and jumps. So i say thet's it.. time out. I put him on the couch. Next thing i know he is on the floor. I put him back on the couch and say.. Fred.. If you get off this couch again you will go for a time out in your room.

He says okay. then he is on the floor again. So I get up and in walking over there he starts screaming that he doesn't want to go in his room.... i take him by the hand to his room... put him in his bed and tell him he is in time out and not to get down. I tell him if he gets out of the bed then he will have to go night-night. Does he understand. Yes he says... so i say "Fred what will happen if you get out of your bed?" He says "I will have to go night night"

So i come out here again. Then i hear the toilet flush. I go into the bed room and cant find him. Where are you? i ask... He stands up in the laundry hamper in there room.. "What are you doing?" "I had to go pee pee really bad mommy." Back in your bed... DO NOT get out again. or you WILL go to sleep" Next thing i know he is out here again. So we went nicely back to his room put him in his bed and i closed the shades and curtains. he is of course freaking out... I say "Fred what did mommy say would happen if you got out of your bed?" He says "I would have to go night night" "and did you get out of your bed Fred?" "Yes"... "Okay.. then you are going to bed" (Screaming now) "BUT I DONT WANT TOOOO!!!" "Then you will start to listen... if you get out of your bed now you will get spankings... Do you understand" Yes he says.. so i come out here again... my heart breaking the whole way.....

But at the same time knowing that i have to be consistent to break this cycle. Well he got up once to open his door.. spankings and back in bed... then he got out again and said that he had to go to the bathroom (yes he just went ten minutes before) so i let him go then give him spankings and put him back in bed.

Just thought it was to quiet so i went and looked under the door... he was out playing with toys.. so i gave him another spanking put him in his bed and told him good night. He wanted hugs.. which i was going to say no to.. but i hugged him got him to look at me and said "Fred I love you, but you are being bad by not listening to mommy.. Now lay down in your bed and go night night. What will happen if you get out again?" "I will get spankings" he replies crying... so i say i love him good night and leave the room.

This is breaking my heart.. I hope I'm right... that consistency is the key. that if i prove what is and is not allowed here. and what is and is not acceptable to do.. that it will get better.. hopefully soon .... this is horrible on my heart. And please.. oh please.. do not let him get out of his bed again!

How to be a parent...

2007-07-30T20:25:00.000-06:00

well it wasn't bad.. i know i know you all told me it wouldn't be. I just figured.. how is someone going to tell me how to take care of my children?? they are MINE. But it was info (as i expected on how to keep the children first in a divorce.. about what not to do in front of them, and warning signs to get them help. It was all pretty common sense i think.. And i think its good they make people do it. Starting Jan 2007 it is mandatory in Illinois to take the class if you have children under 28 and are getting divorced or going through custody issues. Well it wasn't 1000 words as requested but there you go... How to be a better parent in a sucky situation. I do however think it would be more beneficial if you kids were slightly older or if you and your x are having big problems. But hey .. it was just three hours (we got done an hour early) that I'm sure will benefit some child somewhere.

I picked the kids up on Sunday from Dicks house.. sorry Dicks Dads house.... and went to gigis house to get some items i had left there. I had worn a halter top and strapless bra to the family get together earlier that day. I did however forget that the plastic on the bra reacts bad to my skin when it gets hot and sweaty.. so i went running into her house screaming undo my bra.. undo my bra!! went into the bedroom and put on a different bra and a tshirt. I walked out and Fred said to me "Oh mommy.. you look very pretty in your new dress (ie shirt)" I about melted into a puddle... and yes i did give him a pony for it.. it was imaginary but i figure hes to young to know that we don't have room for a real one!!

P.S. thank you all for your comments on "It's okay to remember" there were so many touching ones that made me cry again and again i couldnt thank you all or return commment to you.

Its okay to remember Emma or Ty

2007-07-26T20:26:00.001-06:00

This post is dedicated to Lanie.... What you are feeling is normal here is my story.

Back in 2000 I had horrible pains and ended up in the ER.. long story short ends up I have endometriosis. Beginning of 2001 I had a laparoscopy to diagnose and to clean me out as best as they could. I was engaged and living with my fiance.. (know known as Dick) ... We were supposed to be married in May but.. my mom did not trust me to wait till May to try to get prego since I knew that with endo and having just had my lap that my best chances of conceiving were right then. So we got married in March. We ended up getting pregnant on my honeymoon. Found out we were pregnant and got all excited. We picked out names, went baby clothes shopping, looked at patterns, got baby books.... all the exciting things that you do when you find out you are pregnant.

And of course it was all super amplified by the fact that I was worried with the REAL possibility that i wouldn't be able to have children of my own. It had taken us five months to conceive the baby. I went to get blood work to confirm the pregnancy and they called and said they thought the number should be slightly higher so i might not be as far along as they thought so could i come to get blood drawn again (a couple days later) Seemed completely routine so of course i went. Then i got a call that the numbers were not right. So i had to go for daily blood work for about a week if i remember correctly. Then i had to go for an ultrasound.... had that done. Then i had to go on a day that my mom went with me since Dick had to work. Then dr. E (god bless him) came in and told me that they thought that it could be an ectopic pregnancy... ie. tubal pregnancy. which meant that the baby although healthy and living was in my fallopian tube and not my uterus. I begged for a way to try ... just try to dislodge it and put the baby where it should be. he told me that was not possible.

I couldnt deal with it so Dick and I came back a few days later for another ultrasound to be sure. Same result. They wanted to give me a shot to "remove" I cant say the other term... the baby. I cried and cried.. begged for one more day... just one more day for my baby to be in me. That maybe it was a mistake and it was there and just to small to be seen. We left the drs office and went to my moms ( a long long drive) every bump we hit hurt more and more. By the time we were there telling my mom what he had said i was balling at the pain but not wanting anyone to "take" my baby. They ended up convincing me to go to the ER. They had to give me lots of pain meds and the shot to take my baby. I was in the hospital for almost a week i think... allot of its a blur. Ends up my tube was rupturing from the baby's size.

I went home and felt empty... very unpregnant in Lanies words. I wanted my baby.. i felt empty... i felt like i was not going to be able to ever have a baby again. I went into a serious depression for feeling like i had aborted my baby... because i had to go in and say.. yes.. give me the shot and take my baby from me forever. I hated my body... I didn't know what to say or do.. my mom was constantly yelling at me to stop doing things and just sit and rest.. they tried to get me to stay home from work.. but i had nothing at home to stop the thoughts.. nothing to keep me busy.

I could not forget that little blessing that was no longer inside me... the one that was due on 02-02-02 the one that would be named Emma or Tyler.

I have lasting effects.. had to go to fertility drs... took along time to conceive my children.. but i have two GREAT ones. And one little angle watching me from above. I can honestly say that the pain never goes away. If i think on it it hurts so bad i think i must be dying. But you find a way to deal with it. like... on my moms grandchild tree there is an angle bear for my baby. And i give myself one day a year... every Feb 2nd i let myself feel it.. and not feel bad about feeling the pain. It is real... My baby was real. And without anyone realizing I've done it for so many years now. Until now of course... I make a cake every 02-02. And remember.

You will survive. Life will go on. It will get easier.

Yum-O

2007-07-25T16:02:00.001-06:00

So I've realized a great new outlet for any depression, anger, or hurt i feel. Cooking. I LOVE to cook. I've always known this and in fact thought multiple times of becoming a cook. But to really do what i wanted I would have had to move to a big city or even Europe... no that wouldn't have been bad... but Dick was there and it was all i saw.

I love to cook new things, different things, use different spices, try foods from different ethnicity's. But alas... Dick didn't like this or that, dint like that kind, or that ingredient. Slowly i slowed down with my love of cooking constantly. Then I went back to work and after being a sahm for three years. and going from that to being a working mom of two babies and a wife. needless to say i kept On core dinners in business!

I am having fun now though. I am currently making hard boiled eggs for egg salad, cooking a chicken for chicken curry salad with grapes and cooking a turkey tenderloin (you know like pork tenderloin... only.. um... not .. pork) asparagus and a great salad with lots of vegis and feta cheese. Yum-O i know. And hey... cooking like this sure beats the brownie incident yesterday... when Gigi and her kidos get here for dinner she better NOT throw it in the garbage anyway!!

So what happened to make me cook so much other than my sheer love of cooking?? Dick called... yup here goes... and states that on Aug. 6th he starts working Mon-Fri (instead of Mon-Thurs) so he will have the kids on his weekend and on the other when he used to get the kids on Thurs night he will come pick them up on two random (non set) days of his choosing at 7 pm and bring them back at 9.... now my kids are early to bed kids since they refuse to sleep in ... anyway.. i said.. why aren't you just picking them up on Fri night instead of Thurs then? and after alot of phony excuses it finally dawns on me. so I said.."Oh then you cant go out on Friday night huh?" And he says ugghh then i would only have like 1/2 day to get stuff done that i need too!! To which i replied SO DO I!! and hung up. for the record he would have one and 1/2 days.... he would only loose (if you can call being with your kids loosing time) Fri night and sat morning. Really pissed me off.

This coming weekend is also the one I was supposed to go with my mom and sis to Galena.. Thanks again dick!! They at least will be going and having a great time ............ wait maybe its next weekend... no its next weekend.. this weekend i get to go to a parenting class!! I'm soooo excited. I mean come on ... sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers who are getting divorced as well being told by an instructor how to be better parents... sounds like a blast... but alas it is required to get the divorce from Dick...

But hey.. I'm going to have some great food!!!

Wow.. heres a depresing one.. sorry

2007-07-24T19:44:00.001-06:00

So I will admit i'm a huge avril lavign fan.. even if i cant spell her name corectly... hehe... She has a song "When Your Gone" Its a great song.. but the video makes me cry.. good cry.. and i guess bad cry a little too. There is a scene with an elderly man who has obviously lost his wife. No... not lost as in.. where are you i'm coming to find you!!.. as In She passed away. No no no.. not far far away.. if you dont get it by now you wont.. .anyway... he looks at her pic and almost looses it.. then later in the song it comes back to him and he opens the closet door, reaches in and brushes his hand across all of her clothes.... then takes a dress out, rubs it on his face, smells it, then crys into it.

I want that. I want someone to love me till i'm old and wrinkly. I want someone to love me so much the thought of not being with me physically hurts. I deserve it too. I think. I know.

Even as i'm writing this i'm thinking to myself.. who am i kidding whos gonna want a fat cow like me? followed by the thought.. OOhh.. there is still some brownie left on my plate.. i beter finish it. How does that work.. How can you feel gross.. have just looked at a pic and saw how fat you were.. then eat a peanut butter brownie??

I know i got loverboy.. but not sure if its gonna go much further.. i think he just has to much in his life right now to have a relationship too... which sucks... and i so was not looking for it... just was a coincidence. A great one... hope it doesnt end.. but hey.. what did gigi say.. If it seems to good to be true... it probably is.

Random thoughts

2007-07-23T16:52:00.000-06:00

Okay so here are some random thoughts for today....

I decided to splurge and get the kids happy meals for dinner.... Since when do happy meal toys have to be assembled!!!

I am big on table maners and am a stickler for chewing with your mouth closed.... ( i mean gross.. CLOSE ITT) so while eating dinner i told my son to close his mouth while he chewed... he looked at me and full of 10 yr old attitude said "Theres NOTHING in my mouth mommy!! and then chomped his teeth together twice while showing me how he made the noise with no food.

Why are frogs Lucky?? ...............................They get to eat whats bugging them!

Why did the elephants get arrested at the beach??.................. They kept droping their trunks!

Why is there a comercial for tampons on Noggin.. okay its after 4.. its now considered "the N" But still.

Grrr.. my nuckles look like I beat someone up... dam Patient charts anyway!

Is it still swearing if you spell it wrong?

Ugh.. I need to change the channel.. The N.. ewww.. Jesse McCartney is so full of himself.

Why is the Teamwork song from wonderpets going through my head right now?

Oh.. Um .... regarding yestrdays post... Loverboy says i should be carefull who i say that too.. so carefull... however MY response to that was.. "HEY.. I have NO qualms about doing it.. and if someoned does.. let my kids stay at THEIR house!"

Note to self.. if your 2 1/2 year old runs from babysiters house to your house "holding herself" then runs to the potty and comes out telling you she got some peepee on her pants shes sorry... check the floor too... and not 20 minutes later when your son is standing on the toilet because the floor is wet. ;-)

When did my kids get so big?? I swear they were just born!

Why is it i prefer a guy whos a little larger... but still am mesmerized by washbord abs??

Should i really tell Freida.. "Leave that sticker on .. its her mermaid bra."

I sooo did not think this attitude would apear out of nowhere at age 4.. I thought i had a few years before i'd have to think about how to nip it in the but.

I love loverboys ambition to work.. and slow is good.. but I wish I could see him more.

lipsticks should have a warning label that reads "WARNING>..... Color may appear different than appears on model if you have a different colored complexion, or hair color, or blush color.. etc"

You know what.. all you readers are big girls. I'm going to call him Dick instead of Richard.

How the FUCK did Dicks sun glasses just come out of the kids bed room??? I mean they brought them out (the kids that is) ... But how did they get IN here??

How many times do i have to put Fred in his bed to get him to stay there??

How many days of putting him back in his bed again and again and again will it take for him to get the hint?

Well.. hope you enjoyed your thoughts for tonight... if you have answers to any above questions please feel free to answer!

Mission (nearly) Impossible.. Staring: Fred and Freida

2007-07-22T16:15:00.000-06:00

well.. I've come to a solution for my kids getting up at five am.

First of all I should explain what goes on at this time of the morning.

One of them wakes up.. jumps out of bed before they could possibly fall back asleep... and wakes the other one up. After this they proced to leave their bedroom mission imposible style... and go to the kitchen... all of which is done in a manner that wouldnt wake up the lightest sleeping bull dog/guard dog ever..

Anyway.. my kids... prison stripe uniforms... mission impossible music playing.. break into the kitchen get their loot... then procede back to the bedroom (ie prison chamber) and close the door.

Then in true convict style they proced to hide there findings in drawers, under bed, in toy box.... most of it anyway.. if said finding is a tuperware container of frosted mini wheat.. it must stay in the middle of the room to be eaten.. oh i forgot to mention. Convicts can aparently not eat out of containers. So the mini wheats must be emtied out onto the floor............... bottom of the bag crumbs and all.

Then when they cant find any more good pieces they must ransack the entire room to find other hidden food.

So in other words.. when i woke up there were two new bricks of cheese, a tub of mini wheats, jar of grape jelly, jar of salsa, pudding cup and assorted plastic silverware in there room... oh yea and a empty fruit cup. Now thank god the salsa and jelly werenot opened... but some of the pudding did get on the new carpet in the apartment......

I am at wits end as i can not get this to stop.. and it has progresivly gotten worse till the morning in question above. SOOOOOO... as an alternative to duct taping my kids to their beds... when they were in bed asleap last night i fliped the door nob. Keep in mind it is a push button so i can get in in less than one second if i need too. And there are multiple fire alarms so they are in NO danger by doing this. But seriously.. SERIOUSLY.. duct tape was the only alterntative. It was kind of amusing to wake up this morning to two children who realized they could not go wherever they wanted to. I proceded to go in there room, sit them down, and tell them if they would stay in there beds or rooms till i came to get them Mommy would not have had to do this... and that since it was only 6 am it was time to get back into bed and go back to sleep.

Amen.. maybee my morning will not start on such a horible note, with needing so much cleaning, a horibly upset mommy, or misbehaving children. Wish me luck... although this time i might not need it! I have more than luck on my side right now... I've got a door lock!

GIRL POWER!!! ROAR!!

2007-07-21T20:04:00.000-06:00

Before this blog begins ... drum roll please... Please scroll down to the bottom of the page... TH ATS RIGHT PEOPLE.... I'M A THOUSANDARE!!!!!...... ((cough, cough))... sorry.. better now.. but seriously.. thank you all.

Now.. ON WITH THE BLOG!!

I had a family gathering today. My moms side of the family does not gather for Christmas anymore.. everyone has allot going on , kids are grown, and my grandparents are in Arizona. So in lieu of trying to get together and missing people... we just do a large gathering each summer. Sometimes even twice. And there is no pressure of getting dressed up, or giving gifts. Its really actually quite nice. I was a little leery of today. Not many of them knew about Richard and I splitting up. (that's right... Dick was the chosen name.. hehe) My grandma did not feel it was her place to tell anyone. Which was fine. Just made it awkward this far out. HOWEVER.. my suspicions were confirmed that chasing the highs.. (see right) is my cousin! Which i think rocks since it is one of my fav blogs... soooo funny. So we talked about that. And it helped some people know about Richard and I since shes been reading my blog. It was nice to have some people just offer compassion and understanding. But you know what... it was just nice to see my family. You realize as you get older how important it is to keep in touch with them. The problem with that is that by the time you realize this... most are older, grown, moved away.... makes it a little difficult.

There was something else funny that happened.... I found out that in my family.... About the same time Richard was thrown out by me... My cousin (not highs) left her boyfriend, my aunt left her husband, and my other aunt quit smoking... DO DOD DODOODODOOD.. that was supposed to be the Twilight Zone theme. Doesn't come out so well in type apparently. Anyways. I think its very odd that so many of us related had such huge things in our life occur simultaneously. Most of which had to do about the men in our lives who have been around for quite some time. And hey.. the decision to quit smoking is just as serious so i figured it should make the list... Way to go Ro Ro!! For that mater.. Way to go all of us women!! We are woman here us roar!! We refuse to be stepped on , used, abused or taken for granted!! And you know what... we are going to get it.

I hope everyone can lean in hug someone around you and support them.... Its not easy.. but its gonna be worth it girls.

Most boring blog ever!

2007-07-18T17:09:00.000-06:00

Okay so I've been sitting here in front of the computer for 10 minutes now. Three minutes ago I got up and got a handful of peanut MM's .. it didn't give me any inspiration.... But they were still good to eat!! I must have writers block. Good thing i don't do this for a living. Just for all of you to come read... which is just as important to me... so lets see.....

My son is having one of those days.. one of the "I know everything so obviously i DON'T have to listen to you" days. Much to my chagrin of course. So naturally by this time of the day I have raised my voice a few times and my patience is getting thin. After telling my son "NO.. do NOT go down the hallway.. your sister is sleeping." And then him proceeding to go down there anyway. I sat waiting for him to come back here so i could reprimand him choosing to wait so i didn't wake Freida up. Then he comes out and he bets in trouble. he then goes out to the porch and I hear him mumbling under his breath. Then i hear hims Say.. mommy i don't love you anymore cause you are being grumpy. He then proceeds to walk over and tell me.. "Mommy.. you should not be grumpy to me.. it's not nice!"

Excuse me?? did someone just shake the universe like a snow globe?? Who here is the parent and who the child?? Which of us is four and which is well.. twenty something...?? I did a double take.. took a deep breath... then said "Fred.... Mommy is not being grumpy... YOU need to listen and then you will not get into trouble! Now if you have any other questions take a quarter and call someone who cares!!!!!" Okay okay.. the last part wasn't in there.. but come on seriously.. when did he get old enough to think he could say things like that???

Geesh... well except for that my day off was pretty good. Well a day off in some sense i guess... since it was a day off from my day job.. but you never get a day off from your all the time job.. you know.. mommy. But that's okay. Lover boy came down and met me for lunch today. Was nice to see him... been a few days. Hes working allot right now helping out with his dads company.

Trying DESPERATELY to figure out a way to get my kids to stay in their room... they get up and don't wake me.. and I don't hear them! I came out today and they were watching TV..which would be fine.. but they got out the chocolate syrup and apparently decided to cook something in cups with spoons. Which then dripped chocolate on my carpet!!! i used oxy clean and got most of it out at least... and they gave the cat orange juice and a straw in his water dish. Guess Apollo did not like it cause it was still full. I cant lock their door, I cant flip the knob, i cant use a baby gate since they can climb it.... about at my wits end since they got up at FIVE FRIGGING AM today!! guh.. don't know what I'm going to do.

Well now that you have read the most boring blog ever!! I bet you are glad to be done reading about my incredibly boring day!! Sorry... dang writers block anyway............

Dahlilah goes under the Umbrelalalla

2007-07-16T19:03:00.001-06:00

Okay so I've recently been introduced to LimeWire from Loverboy (previously known as Mr. No-Name-For-Now.. and yes i chose the name from Chasing the Highs... Running from the Lows's blog.. check her out shes hilarious!). Yes GiGi I know you told me about it first but he actually got me there so sorry.. he gets credit for it :-) Anyway.. I always go on and set my que with songs to play and am ADICTED. However.. this has gotten me thinking... Songs mean so much in lives. I bet any of you out there now could tell me a song and where you were when you heared it.. or your favorite memory of the song.... no mater if after the moment things went sour or HORIBLY sour.. that song memory still sticks with you... so heres mine...

of course it must start with Clint Black's "State of Mind" for the line "Aint it funny how a melody can bring back a memory" I mean how many of these songs does THAT bring to mind.

Marcy Plaground-"Sex N' Candy" -- siting in Chem Com class at Streator high while my big crush walked in

Alabama-"How do you know its Love"-- Being proposed too

Toby Keith--"Shoulda Been a Cowboy"-- My dad and my silly dance

Janet Jackson--"Nasty Boys"-- Ms. Jo and I driving in her car "Wilma"

En Vogue--"Don't let go"-- My best guy friend playing it for me before he left permenantly for Florida

Kelly Clarkson--"Where is your Heart"-- My song for the way i felt twords the end of my mariage

Grease--"Summer Lovin"-- Ms. Jo our highschool frind suzanne and I dancing like crazy in my living room before going to the high school musical

dalilah and Umbrela-- GiGi from this weekend ;-)

David Allen Coe--"You never even call me by my name"--I was like 10 and that weirdo drunk guy was trying to get me to dance with him (ewww... just threw up a little)

Mark McGuinn--"If the world was mine"-- The song I sang to Fred as a baby

Avril--"Ska8r Boy"--I know it was retarted dont ask

TLC-"I don't want no scrubs"-- I hated this song to death.. and yet everyone thought it was hilarious so would always play it!

Faith Hill--"Someone elses dream"--Siting in my cedar closet "private room"

Rascall Flats--"Stand"-- My power song on bad days lately

Okay well thats just a few.. but some of my strongest runers..... Feel free to steal the idea for your own!! I love hearing what songs are other peoples reminders

Now accepting applications...............

2007-07-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

Guh.. what is with men!! This post is regarding Mr. Could-have-been. I do need to get a new name for him.. accepting recommendations... any like.. Mr. Sperm-Donor or Mr. AssHole ..

Anyway... My lovely mama wanted to take my sis and i to Galena for a weekend. Of course it ended up being that the only weekend that would work for everyone was one of my kids weekends. I didn't think he'd agree to take them since he is an ass about having them at all! But to my surprise he said Okay.. to which i replied "what did you say" he told me that he would want to do something sometime too and would hope that i would help him out so yes he would take them. I was ecstatic... thrilled.... it has been so long since the three of us reconnected..

So Fred and Freida were gone this weekend at his house. And i get a call on my cell phone from him asking when I want him to bring the kids home. And of course i say... 6 pm.. that's always what time you drop them off. And then he starts telling me that hes been trying to call me all day cause he wanted to drop them off early. I wasn't home (which i told him) I was at my dads all day swimming and relaxing (that i didn't tell him). Well what is it you need to do I ask.. to which the response is i just have some things to do and they've been asking for you since like noon................................... Now wait a minute....... He only has them 4 days every two weeks....... They are saying no such thing..... he just knows (from the past) that this fake excuse will always get me to say okay. But you know what... Mommy needs a time out too sometimes.... and damn it he is never with them.. he can see them! So i said well I'm not home so it'll have to be six. Which yes was the truth. And he says (in an ignorant tone) "Come on its all ready after 3:30!!!!" I then reply... "you are right.. so I'll see you in about two hours!" and hung up.. hehehehehehehe. So i know that wasn't necessary but seriously... he never sees them and he gave up all rights to me as a babysitter when he put his paws on other women.

So he brings them home tonight and says... um yea I'm not going to be able to take the kids that weekend... WHAT??!!? i say.. (my mom had just told me not even 5 minutes before that she made the reservations since he said he would take them three days before) "Yea (he says) Someone asked me to do something so I'm going to do that instead.... Oh and btw.. on Thurs (the next time he gets the kids for only one night) I'm not going to get them till after 6 or so instead of Noon like usual cause i have something to do.

Seriously.. you know the song Goodbye Earl?? I'm thinking about buying some beans!!! Okay maybee not totally seriously... but it sounds good.

And the Jessica Award goes to.....

2007-07-14T12:47:00.001-06:00

Oh my goodness.. its been forever i know... no blog thurs or friday.. geesh... I'm going crazy so i know you all miss me like crazy!!!

so much for me to catch you up on... lets see... Dakota.. go to High on Life Low on Coffee to the right.. Dakota is her nephew and she has been giving updates.

Awards.. as you have probably seen i have been given two awards by Tracy!! Now my sis says they are the same thing.. but i don't care.. i got TWO!!! I have not had the chance to bestow my awards on my five pick... So as you all know if you have received this before you just rock more... if not here you go.....And all get both awards (Sorry.. I cant figure out how to link you so you'll have to click on them from my blog roll to read how awesome they are)

1)Pieces of My heart-- although Gigi is new to this.. she writes with a extreme rawness. She says it how it is, lays it all out there, and doesn't sugar coat things. She is very refreshing.

2) Jenster's Mussings-- Jen has been through so much and with every hit that keeps on coming she just pushes back. She is very inspiring if you have medical issues and if you don't to realize it could be worse and if she can be that strong so can I.

3)High on Life, Low on Coffee-- Ms. Jo has been absent lately but you'll understand why if you go and read... when shes there though her posts are hilarious.

4)Rambling Thoughts of the Neverending Mind-- Tracy is always funny and real. her posts will never let you down for a good laugh.

5)Gray Matter Matters--Gray used to write for a living.. now she writes for all of us.. and is like getting an expensive publication for free!!

Beware of the Beast

2007-07-11T07:25:00.000-06:00

So i will admit that i got the idea for this blog from the title of one of my faves.... My Minivan is Faster than Yours. I felt it was time to come clean and tell you about my ride.

I own a car. Free and clear.. alllll mine. No car payment. No reason to get expensive insurance. In my name alone. Its a great feeling. Now i was forced into getting a new car when my old one died. In the mean time while i was looking and saving up money i was borrowing my Dads 1980's Black conversion van which i looked so fierce in. Anyway so i was saving money up... looking around... problem is i ended up with a whopping $1400 to get one with. Which I'm sure your thinking.. What you couldn't get a Rolls Royce with that?? Sorry if that was spelled wrong.. obviously could NEVER own one hehe. I was obviously in a hurry and had to find one soon... found some cars but they had TONS of thousands of gazillions of miles on them. I checked in dealerships but they (unbeknownst to me) do not keep cars that they can sell for usually under $4,000ish.

Then i found it

The car of my dreams!!!! Okay so maybe not so much since in my dreams i drive an S-type Jaguar.... but one i could afford, was in great shape, and had room for kids, working air. I was sold. So i came back the next day and signed the papers. And he was mine.

He who you ask? now I'm a car namer... and most of my cars have been She's... but i just can not bring myself to call it a she. Why?? okay okay I'll tell you what it is...... it is an sweet 1985 Mercury Grand Marquis. For those of you wondering what this car is i suppose i can give it to you in layman's terms. It is a HUGE ass station wagon with fake wood as the color!! Now contain yourselves... i know you are jealous but come on its a one of a kind car and I'm sure you will not be able to find one.. even though i know you are dying to get one of your own!

Now in reality its a good car. Only two spots of rust which are inside the far back door so you cant see them. the upholstery is in great shape. The only real thing wrong looks wise is the back half of the fabric on ceiling is gone. and the front is falling off. Now for the two questions i always get... Yest the back window goes down, and no (much to my demise) there is no far back seat just a cargo space.

Now when i said that i should have specified i meant looks wise. and i thought it was good mechanics wise... lets see.... it was going through an amount of gas i thought was normal for such a car..... till i found out my gas tank was leaking!!! and for that mater must have been when i bought it! The passengers front and back seat windows don't go down. The air for some unknown reason has stopped working. Oh yea... and it spews oil all over inside my hood!!! Like i said it is a quality piece of art.. a classic... lol

Then comes the mater of what i was to call it. Now i know you all thought it... the natural name is The Woody. And this is what i referred to it for a long time.. however i think i was scaring mothers with small children.... understandably... if i heared someone going around saying things like "I drive the woody" "I have a HUGE woody" "No No that big woody is totally mine" "I love to ride the woody" i would steer my children away too I'm sure!! Now some people call it the Brady Mobile.... just didn't stick with me. So i call it "The Beast"..... "Did you see my beast" "I've got the beast want me to drive?" "You HAVE to take a ride in the beast!"

So there it is... My Beast! ;-)

Ranting and Raving.. okay just ranting

2007-07-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

You know what i hate?? i hate when people take it out on YOU that they are having a bad day!! And i think hate is a quite strong word.. but it fits here. Today at work my boss got po'd because two patients went to two different locations... um hellooo... this is my fault how?? when i make an appointment i ask which office?? and then at the end of the call i say okay your apt is at such and such in the Morris office.. blah blah blah. So you know.. one came to the right place the other was seen by the other dr... hence making dr A loose money from his patient to dr. B. guh... let me remind you... this is MY fault.. apparently if i would have reminded them ONE MORE TIME... then remind you the seven i already did...... they would be in the right place.

So that started off a whole afternoon of "fits" shall we call them... yes fits works for me. The only other way to adequately describe them would be hormonal fluctuations.... and all you women out there I'm sure agree men DO have a time of the month.... What need me to prove it to you?

Exhibit A:
i walked in to clean a room and every single instrument that had been in the tray... was ALL over the table!! which in turn means that i have to re-wash, re-sterilize them before i can put them back into the cold sterilization liquid....... Thanks... you really taught me there!!

Exhibit B:
Dr. asks me to bring pt inserts for shoes. Shocking i know but two feet + two shoes=two inserts! I know ... shocking. So i go to supply room to get said supply and open box... and there is only one insert.. apparently someone took one out and proceeded to leave box. Which means that i did not order any extra sets since we give these kind out... oh i don't know...... three times a year!! So i bring pt a pair that will work instead and I'm done. I'm walking in back past the storage room and there is the Dr. ransacking my supply shelf... WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY OF SIZE A? We do not need that many... and we have NONE of the size we need. No mind you I did not order size a.. they came from when another office closed to me!! but you know.. shocker.. my fault again!!

SO in conclusion.... Note to self..... don't take your crappy ass day out on someone else!!! It's not their fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.. I feel better!

P.S. High on Life Low on Coffee is back... see link to right. ;-)

Mr. No-Name....... So far

2007-07-07T17:43:00.000-06:00

So. I've met a guy. Don't worry. S-L-O-W is the name of the game. I have not picked a "Blog Name " for him yet. We met by coincidence through a friend. I know what you are all thinking oh oh... rebound. But i don't know. It is really strange. From the moment i met him there was a strange "click" that i never knew was possible.

We are so alike but different as well. We often say the same thing at the same time. Have common interests. We both have kids. He is amazingly funny... I never knew i could laugh so much. And you know what... It feels AMAZING to be wanted in every way. Go figure huh! He makes me feel attractive, smart, beautiful, sexy, funny... and so much more.

He is so handsome, generous, laid back, hard worker, great dad, humble, grounded and genuine. He can cook, has owned houses, provides for his children above and beyond, has a great sense of style, and did i mention a great sense of humor. He looks adorable in his glasses. He has also been hurt by someone he though he loved. We understand each other in that way as well.

For those of you who have read my other posts you know how i feel about it... so no he has not meet my kids and wont meet Fred and Freida for some time.

I have not known him for too long... but it has still taken me awhile to write this. I have been worried what people would think. In fact only a couple people even have known about him. But you know what. I deserve to feel this happy. I deserve to be with a great guy. I am a grown woman who is intelligent enough to use her senses and follow her heart at the same time.

Dakota

2007-07-06T20:14:00.000-06:00

tonight in place of a blog i enter a request. My friend Ms Jo's sister was rushed into an emergency c-section at 33 weeks. Little Dakota was doing great at first then his oxygen level droped.... and now they think something is wrong with his little heart. They have flown him to a large hospital to try to help him.

Please Pray for Dakota tonight.