The defiant one...........

I have posted lately about the battle of wills that Fred and I are having. It is always worse after he gets back from Dicks house because he does not follow though. Tonight has been no different. I got home from work and made dinner. Everything was good. He was running around playing with Freida. He asks me mommy am i being a good boy? And i replied "Yes Fred you are being a VERY good boy!" To which he is very happy... then twenty seconds later he flips over the back of the couch. I say are you supposed to do that? He looks at me and says "No" I say don't do it again. Then he almost slams Freida's fingers in the door he is NOT supposed to open and close. I yell.. Do NOT do that!! Okay sorry he says. Then he gets up on the couch and jumps. So i say thet's it.. time out. I put him on the couch. Next thing i know he is on the floor. I put him back on the couch and say.. Fred.. If you get off this couch again you will go for a time out in your room.

He says okay. then he is on the floor again. So I get up and in walking over there he starts screaming that he doesn't want to go in his room.... i take him by the hand to his room... put him in his bed and tell him he is in time out and not to get down. I tell him if he gets out of the bed then he will have to go night-night. Does he understand. Yes he says... so i say "Fred what will happen if you get out of your bed?" He says "I will have to go night night"

So i come out here again. Then i hear the toilet flush. I go into the bed room and cant find him. Where are you? i ask... He stands up in the laundry hamper in there room.. "What are you doing?" "I had to go pee pee really bad mommy." Back in your bed... DO NOT get out again. or you WILL go to sleep" Next thing i know he is out here again. So we went nicely back to his room put him in his bed and i closed the shades and curtains. he is of course freaking out... I say "Fred what did mommy say would happen if you got out of your bed?" He says "I would have to go night night" "and did you get out of your bed Fred?" "Yes"... "Okay.. then you are going to bed" (Screaming now) "BUT I DONT WANT TOOOO!!!" "Then you will start to listen... if you get out of your bed now you will get spankings... Do you understand" Yes he says.. so i come out here again... my heart breaking the whole way.....

But at the same time knowing that i have to be consistent to break this cycle. Well he got up once to open his door.. spankings and back in bed... then he got out again and said that he had to go to the bathroom (yes he just went ten minutes before) so i let him go then give him spankings and put him back in bed.

Just thought it was to quiet so i went and looked under the door... he was out playing with toys.. so i gave him another spanking put him in his bed and told him good night. He wanted hugs.. which i was going to say no to.. but i hugged him got him to look at me and said "Fred I love you, but you are being bad by not listening to mommy.. Now lay down in your bed and go night night. What will happen if you get out again?" "I will get spankings" he replies crying... so i say i love him good night and leave the room.

This is breaking my heart.. I hope I'm right... that consistency is the key. that if i prove what is and is not allowed here. and what is and is not acceptable to do.. that it will get better.. hopefully soon .... this is horrible on my heart. And please.. oh please.. do not let him get out of his bed again!

How to be a parent...

well it wasn't bad.. i know i know you all told me it wouldn't be. I just figured.. how is someone going to tell me how to take care of my children?? they are MINE. But it was info (as i expected on how to keep the children first in a divorce.. about what not to do in front of them, and warning signs to get them help. It was all pretty common sense i think.. And i think its good they make people do it. Starting Jan 2007 it is mandatory in Illinois to take the class if you have children under 28 and are getting divorced or going through custody issues. Well it wasn't 1000 words as requested but there you go... How to be a better parent in a sucky situation. I do however think it would be more beneficial if you kids were slightly older or if you and your x are having big problems. But hey .. it was just three hours (we got done an hour early) that I'm sure will benefit some child somewhere.

I picked the kids up on Sunday from Dicks house.. sorry Dicks Dads house.... and went to gigis house to get some items i had left there. I had worn a halter top and strapless bra to the family get together earlier that day. I did however forget that the plastic on the bra reacts bad to my skin when it gets hot and sweaty.. so i went running into her house screaming undo my bra.. undo my bra!! went into the bedroom and put on a different bra and a tshirt. I walked out and Fred said to me "Oh mommy.. you look very pretty in your new dress (ie shirt)" I about melted into a puddle... and yes i did give him a pony for it.. it was imaginary but i figure hes to young to know that we don't have room for a real one!!

P.S. thank you all for your comments on "It's okay to remember" there were so many touching ones that made me cry again and again i couldnt thank you all or return commment to you.

Its okay to remember Emma or Ty

This post is dedicated to Lanie.... What you are feeling is normal here is my story.



Back in 2000 I had horrible pains and ended up in the ER.. long story short ends up I have endometriosis. Beginning of 2001 I had a laparoscopy to diagnose and to clean me out as best as they could. I was engaged and living with my fiance.. (know known as Dick) ... We were supposed to be married in May but.. my mom did not trust me to wait till May to try to get prego since I knew that with endo and having just had my lap that my best chances of conceiving were right then. So we got married in March. We ended up getting pregnant on my honeymoon. Found out we were pregnant and got all excited. We picked out names, went baby clothes shopping, looked at patterns, got baby books.... all the exciting things that you do when you find out you are pregnant.



And of course it was all super amplified by the fact that I was worried with the REAL possibility that i wouldn't be able to have children of my own. It had taken us five months to conceive the baby. I went to get blood work to confirm the pregnancy and they called and said they thought the number should be slightly higher so i might not be as far along as they thought so could i come to get blood drawn again (a couple days later) Seemed completely routine so of course i went. Then i got a call that the numbers were not right. So i had to go for daily blood work for about a week if i remember correctly. Then i had to go for an ultrasound.... had that done. Then i had to go on a day that my mom went with me since Dick had to work. Then dr. E (god bless him) came in and told me that they thought that it could be an ectopic pregnancy... ie. tubal pregnancy. which meant that the baby although healthy and living was in my fallopian tube and not my uterus. I begged for a way to try ... just try to dislodge it and put the baby where it should be. he told me that was not possible.



I couldnt deal with it so Dick and I came back a few days later for another ultrasound to be sure. Same result. They wanted to give me a shot to "remove" I cant say the other term... the baby. I cried and cried.. begged for one more day... just one more day for my baby to be in me. That maybe it was a mistake and it was there and just to small to be seen. We left the drs office and went to my moms ( a long long drive) every bump we hit hurt more and more. By the time we were there telling my mom what he had said i was balling at the pain but not wanting anyone to "take" my baby. They ended up convincing me to go to the ER. They had to give me lots of pain meds and the shot to take my baby. I was in the hospital for almost a week i think... allot of its a blur. Ends up my tube was rupturing from the baby's size.

I went home and felt empty... very unpregnant in Lanies words. I wanted my baby.. i felt empty... i felt like i was not going to be able to ever have a baby again. I went into a serious depression for feeling like i had aborted my baby... because i had to go in and say.. yes.. give me the shot and take my baby from me forever. I hated my body... I didn't know what to say or do.. my mom was constantly yelling at me to stop doing things and just sit and rest.. they tried to get me to stay home from work.. but i had nothing at home to stop the thoughts.. nothing to keep me busy.

I could not forget that little blessing that was no longer inside me... the one that was due on 02-02-02 the one that would be named Emma or Tyler.

I have lasting effects.. had to go to fertility drs... took along time to conceive my children.. but i have two GREAT ones. And one little angle watching me from above. I can honestly say that the pain never goes away. If i think on it it hurts so bad i think i must be dying. But you find a way to deal with it. like... on my moms grandchild tree there is an angle bear for my baby. And i give myself one day a year... every Feb 2nd i let myself feel it.. and not feel bad about feeling the pain. It is real... My baby was real. And without anyone realizing I've done it for so many years now. Until now of course... I make a cake every 02-02. And remember.

You will survive. Life will go on. It will get easier.