Thursday, July 26, 2007

Its okay to remember Emma or Ty

This post is dedicated to Lanie.... What you are feeling is normal here is my story.

Back in 2000 I had horrible pains and ended up in the ER.. long story short ends up I have endometriosis. Beginning of 2001 I had a laparoscopy to diagnose and to clean me out as best as they could. I was engaged and living with my fiance.. (know known as Dick) ... We were supposed to be married in May but.. my mom did not trust me to wait till May to try to get prego since I knew that with endo and having just had my lap that my best chances of conceiving were right then. So we got married in March. We ended up getting pregnant on my honeymoon. Found out we were pregnant and got all excited. We picked out names, went baby clothes shopping, looked at patterns, got baby books.... all the exciting things that you do when you find out you are pregnant.

And of course it was all super amplified by the fact that I was worried with the REAL possibility that i wouldn't be able to have children of my own. It had taken us five months to conceive the baby. I went to get blood work to confirm the pregnancy and they called and said they thought the number should be slightly higher so i might not be as far along as they thought so could i come to get blood drawn again (a couple days later) Seemed completely routine so of course i went. Then i got a call that the numbers were not right. So i had to go for daily blood work for about a week if i remember correctly. Then i had to go for an ultrasound.... had that done. Then i had to go on a day that my mom went with me since Dick had to work. Then dr. E (god bless him) came in and told me that they thought that it could be an ectopic pregnancy... ie. tubal pregnancy. which meant that the baby although healthy and living was in my fallopian tube and not my uterus. I begged for a way to try ... just try to dislodge it and put the baby where it should be. he told me that was not possible.

I couldnt deal with it so Dick and I came back a few days later for another ultrasound to be sure. Same result. They wanted to give me a shot to "remove" I cant say the other term... the baby. I cried and cried.. begged for one more day... just one more day for my baby to be in me. That maybe it was a mistake and it was there and just to small to be seen. We left the drs office and went to my moms ( a long long drive) every bump we hit hurt more and more. By the time we were there telling my mom what he had said i was balling at the pain but not wanting anyone to "take" my baby. They ended up convincing me to go to the ER. They had to give me lots of pain meds and the shot to take my baby. I was in the hospital for almost a week i think... allot of its a blur. Ends up my tube was rupturing from the baby's size.

I went home and felt empty... very unpregnant in Lanies words. I wanted my baby.. i felt empty... i felt like i was not going to be able to ever have a baby again. I went into a serious depression for feeling like i had aborted my baby... because i had to go in and say.. yes.. give me the shot and take my baby from me forever. I hated my body... I didn't know what to say or do.. my mom was constantly yelling at me to stop doing things and just sit and rest.. they tried to get me to stay home from work.. but i had nothing at home to stop the thoughts.. nothing to keep me busy.

I could not forget that little blessing that was no longer inside me... the one that was due on 02-02-02 the one that would be named Emma or Tyler.

I have lasting effects.. had to go to fertility drs... took along time to conceive my children.. but i have two GREAT ones. And one little angle watching me from above. I can honestly say that the pain never goes away. If i think on it it hurts so bad i think i must be dying. But you find a way to deal with it. like... on my moms grandchild tree there is an angle bear for my baby. And i give myself one day a year... every Feb 2nd i let myself feel it.. and not feel bad about feeling the pain. It is real... My baby was real. And without anyone realizing I've done it for so many years now. Until now of course... I make a cake every 02-02. And remember.

You will survive. Life will go on. It will get easier.


Mrs. Jo said...

As a mother and a friend ..your pain may not be shared but understood. You were very strong through all that...and you continue to be strong. Letting yourself feel is the best way to go about it..Good for you! :)

Gigi said...

You know it is okay to feel and it is okay to remember...our babies were real, and people dont always get that. Its one of those things that is hard to share with someone unless they have gone through it themselves...and for those that havn't there is never the right thing to say just be there...just listen...and by all means give us a hug....

Diane said...

Children are such a blessing and the mysteries of a woman's body are way beyond our mortal understanding. That a sparkle in your lover's eye every makes it to our nursing breast is beyond grace. I too have planned, and held my hand to my belly - but lost children that would never get any closer to my embrace. I too have not forgotten them, and like all who know this pain, never will. My best advice is to take the time to morn the loss, and feel it's depth. You will heal through the process of time, and you will become stronger.
Poke was given a gift I never knew. She was allowed the time for her body and this little child to become one. This little light became a part of her, one she will always carry in body and heart. That's a blessing in itself and a true miracle. I'm hoping heaven will allow a gathering of childless moms, and a time of silence when we are all allowed to light a candle high for each one given. The glow would fill the heavens. I'll be there with my three candles. Come stand near and we will embrace each other with love and understanding. Until then, remember to breath and feel your heart beating.

Lainey-Paney said...


our story starts out just like yours...endo, lap, hurry & try...then it took several months...finally we were pregnant with Gage & everything went pretty well.

and now this---which I was totally not expecting.

So far, each day seems a bit easier than the day before.

Gypsy Queen said...

Pokey, I had no idea. I find out something new about your life everyday. Thank you for sharing that story. Love you!

Anonymous said...

((((((((Pokey Puppy)))))))))

As Mrs. Jo says, I may not be able to *share* these feelings but I do know what a painful time this was for you both in the early years of marriage. My heart broke for you then and I do think of Emma and Tyler. It takes an amazing inner strength, I think, to be able to make it through such a thing, and I think taking time to mourn, remember and love as time goes on is completely normal and healthy. And turning to family and friends who will be there for you in these moments with everything they can is an important step in letting yourself heal.

Phoenix said...

Thanks for sharing this. I don't know what it's like, but my best friend just lost her baby a few weeks ago. This helps me to understand some of what she's going through.

I'm so glad you've gotten to have two kids though.

Jenster said...

Your experience and your pain is horrible - but what a blessing you are to others like Laney.

I can't imagine what it's like to go through what you've described.

Tracy said...

I'm glad you shared this story. I think it's healthy to give yourself that day to miss your baby. Like you said, it was real, no matter if it spent a day on this earth or not, it was real. I'm glad you remember.
Thanks for sharing!

my mininvan is faster than yours said...

So sorry you had to go through that. Been through a miscarriage and infertility myself :(