a bad poem... i know

So i like to post each day.. not that it always happens!! but here it is.. i'm a horible poet and only a couple times in my life have i ever even gotten the urge to write a very bad poem!! i know.. thank god... but here is one to mr. could-have-been.. warning--- its bad


No one knows who i am
no one knows how i feel
so diferent on the inside
these thoughts inside of me

I am free to be
whatever i want to be
free to see and do
whatever i see fit to do

i can be who i am
not who you want me to be
I'm a woman and can be
making decisions for me

See who i want
say what i want
be what i want
do what i want

i always tried to please you
be exactly what i should
i did everything right
and yet here i am

I did all i could
not perfect i know
but never did i ever
do the things youve done

I am free now
free as a bird to fly
so why must you try
to still hold me down

i will not fall
you cant hurt me anymore
i will pick myself up
i'm stronger than you know

i'm going to be happy
its going to be great
i know its hard now
but i can see how great it will be

Who...Me?

So i figured at this point you probably are DYING to learn more about me.. either that or you are ready to run the other way at the thought.. so if it is number two you are probably not even reading this.. so.. oh never mind... here are 50 things about me you might not have known:





1. I get distracted easily
2. I can talk very fast with very little air
3. My nickname no one knows is Pokey
4.My favorite Ice cram flavor is Chocolate Peanut Butter from Baskin Robins
5.I don't like my hair long
6.I love Winney the Pooh
7. I hate socks and Tennis shoes
8. I prefer flavored coffee
9. I often don't wear underwear (hey don't knock it till you try it)
10.I have expensive taste
11.I REFUSE to watch scary movies
12.my favorite flower is the snapdragon
13.I love cats but have never been able to keep a dog
14.I'm very picky about egg rolls
15.I don't like white cars
16.I LOVED being pregnant
17.I'M SO SICK OF PARIS HILTON
18.I'm a sucker for dimples
19.I have a drinking problem.... Ice tea that is
20.I love Steven Siegal movies
21. Okay okay.. and Lethal Weapon movies
22.I hate thunder but love rain
23.I'm blind as a bat without my contacts
24.I'm a romantic at heart
25.I wear my heart on my sleeve
26.My favorite movie is City of Angels
27.I would LOVE a boob lift and reduction
28.I have only been to one concert in my life
29.......... and it was Clay Aiken (stop laughing people)
30.Chicago is my favorite Illinois City
31.Zoro turns me on
32.I think I'm smart
33.I'm not a natural Red head (I know GASP!)
34.I'm happier right now than I've been in a LONG time
35.I would LOVE to take a dance class
36.Country is my favorite music
37.Abraham Lincoln is my fave president
38. I've never inhaled.. okay that was a lie! I breath all day
38.I am honest to a fault(hence that i had to repeat #38)
39.I love binky babies
40.I'd rather give than receive
41.I've always been glad i was not a boy!
42.I HATE the after taste of milk
43.I LOVE SHOES
44.I love Disney cartoons
45.I was a goodie-two-shoes.. maybe still am
46.I think everything has a gray area
47.My favorite colors are purple and bright green
48.I love wine
49.My favorite season is Fall
50.I'm an emotional eater and shopper

Sugarland

I LOVE the band sugarland. Their songs, the music, the dancing.. not to mention she is B-E-A-uuuutifull (in the words of Bruce Almighty)


Their song "I ain't settling" just came on CMT...


I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah



This song always makes me remember... its okay....

Its okay to not take it
Its okay to start again
Its okay to want more
Its okay to not accept being cheated on
Its okay to be wanted
Its okay to want to be first
Its okay to have what i want
Its okay to want to be respected


I have come to terms with the fact that these things are okay. And someday, somewhere, with someone.. i believe that i will have these things.

The Vagina/Penis monologues

So ... (in my best teacher voice) what is the diference between a boy and a girl? you are old enough to know my fellow mommys and daddys. Boys have a penis and girls have a ... well another part they pee with thats NOT called a penis!! lol.. okay so that kind of broke the whole teacher thing.

This morning i was trying to get ready for work when Freida comes bareling down the hallway going 180 on her little bitty legs... i asked what was wrong to be told "I GOTTA GO PEE, I GOTTA GO PEE!!" So i said okay hurry! I know.. as if she wasnt already! so she goes and is barely even done when i hear slightly bigger feet coming my way. Which of course is my son coming to go too.. anyone with parents knows that that was coming! so she goes to finish her breakfast and Fred comes in.

He procedes to get distracted as every little four year old boy does and is trying to talk to me.. he has a slight stutter when he is distracted or trying to talk fast. All the while dancing back and forth holding his pee pee! I finaly get his attention half way through and ask him if he has to go potty. He then replys OH YEA!! He walks to the potty and I resume curling my hair. I then notice he is sitting. I say do you have to go poo poos honey? Nope.. just pee pee he replies.

I then asked him why he is sitting down then. (for anyone who does not know Fred and Freidas father and i are getting divorced) He replies.. in a exasperated tone... "Mommy.... I cant stand up and go potty here!" Oh i think to myself.. i aparently missed that memo! So of course i ask why.. and he replies as if it is perfectly common knowledge... " I have to sit and go pee her but at daddys i can stand" So again.. knowing whats coming i ask why. He states.. you sit and daddy stands so that is what i have to do at your houses!

Silly me.. what ever was I thinking?!?! Guess i'm gonna have to figure out how to pee standing up!

Invasion of the body snatchers

Seriously... in the words of someone i know... "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE"... i mean seriously was there a massive alien invasion and no one told me? Did the "Night of the Lepus" REALLY occur and i missed it?? Was the world taken over by giant aliens that suck your life out unless you stop breathing and i slept through it all?

Seriously someone has stolen my children.. where did they go? there bodies look the same... but I'm telling you .. these are NOT my children. You know come to think of it they do look a little taller... and are crankier... so here is what i am thinking.... Last night after i fell asleep the killer _____ (fill in from your favorite sci-fi movie) came and abducted my children. Put them in a stretcher device (which made them slightly taller) so they couldn't escape. Sucked their brains out. Put the brains in a jar that reprogrammed them to their current state. Put the brains back in and used that little thingy from men in black to make them forget what happened.

That is the only way that my sweet little angels.. the ones i literally created inside my womb... could have turned into these children in my presence. How else can you explain the stain on my floor? oh what stain you say? this morning I gave Fred and Freida their monkey juice while I was making breakfast (for those of you who don't know monkey juice.. its Danimals drinks) then i gave them their breakfast. Freida by this point had thrown her empty container away and Fred's was cast to the side. Silly me for not being sure they were empty i know. So i gave them White Grape Juice to drink (THANK GOD it was white). Then i went to the bathroom to get ready for work. Next thing i know Freida is running down the hall at me followed by Fred freaking out. Ends up Fred up ended his monkey juice (what was left) into his cup of juice.. then hit it over and it was all over the table.. dripping onto the chair (with an attached fabric pad.. non-removable btw).. then to the floor. AND the little runaway trail that was going directly into a puddle on the floor. Yea I know... no seriously.. stop laughing... SOOO not funny.

So then Fred and Freida go to the sitters and i go to work. Before leaving i inform them nicely (although i don't know how) that they were expected to behave, listen, and not be bad. HA!!

I returned after a day at work that could mean nothing other than there will be a full moon tonight... to being informed that he kicked, pushed, punched, and stole toys numerous toys today!!

oh and don't be thinking miss Freida was so Innocent in all this. oh no. She is 2 1/2 going on 13. I SWEAR there must be puberty at this age as well. You cant understand most of what she says but for the incessant whining, sniffling and pouting. Followed usually by a high pitched screeching of god knows what... which is supposed to inform me of what she really wants. Now when Fred was this age and did tantrums i would say "okay tell me when your done and well talk about it." and walk away. Apparently.. since she has ovaries ..... this same tactic results in HIGHER pitched screaming (if this was possible) which varies in tone depending on the word that is apparently mixed in to it. Add all that to the tattle tailing and leg kicking.. Oye

Seriously.. tell me this gets easier.. okay never mind I'm sure i don't want the REAL answer to that question!!

What is your monkey?

I was sitting at Ms. Independents house the other day just relaxing... we were sitting on the couch watching something on the TV.. it went to commercial and i was just randomly looking around the room. next to her TV stand is a tower that holds the hundreds of DVDs and on top were a couple items. I cant rightly recall what one was but the other was this monkey. It was a stuffed monkey with lanky arms and legs. I thought oh that's cute. So i asked her "So whats the story behind the monkey?" I was expecting some cute story from one of her kids baby days.

And then she says.. "Umm.. err.. well (lets pause for a moment so i can tell you that Ms. Independent also has a Mr. Could-have-been) actually Mr. Gone got it for me.. " i look at her and she is grimacing cause she knows whats coming and i say "Are you kidding me!! you are trying to get over him and here right next to the TV in the middle of your living room is something that HE gave you and has memories behind it to remind you of him!! UGH!!" She is laughing saying well.. well. I hoped up off of the couch and grabbed the monkey all the while muttering under my breath things i don't remember... but i was not mean people come on. shes my best friend after all and i do know what she is going through. I went down the hallway and opened a door and put the monkey in a spot. I could tell you where the monkey is hidden but honestly I'd have to kill you since she doesn't know where it is and i don't want her to find it!!

So lets fast forward a few days....

Ms. Independent is now at my house and we are talking about the decorations in my living room and what would look good to tie it all together. we were talking about turning the table my TV is on and what to put over it to make it less like a kitchen table turned entertainment center. i said yea that could work.. I've got to move those two flower arrangements though. They were bother purple and white. My living room has a Tuscan type color scheme. And she said no i like them they are pretty. I said "yea but i just set them there temporarily.. and anyways that one kind of depresses me." She asked why and before i thought about my answer i said well its from my wedding . And she is off my couch before i know it grabbing the arrangement screaming at me.. "oh my gosh i cant believe this (she is now shaking it at me as walking away with it) after the other day you are sitting here with this in your living room!!!"and she proceeded to stomp down my hallway and put it somewhere while i laughed hysterically on the couch listening to a door slam.

She comes back and we both start laughing and when we finally catch our breath i said "I cant believe I had a monkey!"

Now i think everyone keeps a monkey from somewhere in their life... some little reminder of a event or time. And monkeys usually bring back a reminder of a good moment.. but when you really think about what comes with that memory ... probably there is a person or thing that you really want to leave behind... or have to in order to move forward in your life.

So I ask you.. my readers... What is YOUR monkey?

Fart and Kiss

Okay so i figured since i was not burned any longer it was time to return to the wonderful world of fake baking.... aka going to a tanning salon. And all i could think of the whole time was hmm... am i too fat? so since I'm not really large just a quite voluptuous woman i decided i was going to solve this little problem.

I went into the Ultra tanner.. which is better than a regular lay down bed but its not the standing one... like a normal bed on steroids basically. I lotioned up turned the fans up and layed down... now figuring that my forearms were already quite colored i stuck them out the top of the tube to full extension.. thinking this is genius!! but you know.. 10 min is a long time in that position and after only a few minutes my arms got tired... so i pulled them back in and was thinking what to try next...

So I'm listening to the music taping my feet to it... and the DUH.. why don't i just push my back down really hard so that its flattened against the Plexiglas!! oh and you were right Diane... i DID miss the warm plastic sweating.... So i brace my arms a little in case they needed it and ... PFFFFF.. this huge air bubble goes from where it was on the small of my back.. escaping up under my hair.. sounding.. that's right folks like a gigantic fart!!!!


So after i get done with my nervous oh my god cant believe that just happened giggle (which from pushing back down to now is all of I'm sure 5 seconds) i figure omg.. what if i move a tad and the pressure I've created releases making that sound again!!! so in all my geniuses i decide to the LIFT the small of my back up to eliminate the air pocket.. and what does that cause?? I gigantic SMACK sound... no not like getting hit but like a HUGE kiss!!!!

I'm about to die of both laughter and humiliation by then so i just decided ... you know what.. maybe I'll just lay perfectly still till this thing is done!! I know.. brilliant idea huh!

So for all of those wondering .. I've made a few decisions..

1)If you are not a size 6 or below and are voluptuous as i am... lay down beds are the way to go! They have super strength ones so it is still faster but it moves everything around nicely when you lay down....

2) when in said bed.. DO NOT move around!! just lay freaking still and relax.. moving of foot with the music however is allowed.. as it has not thus far resulted in funky tan lines or bodily noises

3)Fake baking can be a very humorous experience for the Tanner.

Glad i could pass on my wisdom.. hope it helps.

Technology

So i have been on dsl for a week today. Its so great... for 6+ years now i have only had dial up... what a HUGE difference. Then two nights ago we got those HUGE storms. we lost power her for like five hours.. which in Morris' defense is very odd for here in town. However in the midst of the storm my dsl went out.

So i figured that it was just due to the storm so i left it be. Last night it still was not up so i decided to just call att and go through their programs to get it fixed. Ended up on the phone for over three hours. 2 1\2 of which was spent listening to a guy who barely spoke English. And saying excuse me, what did you say, i don't understand what you want me to do!!! I mean i am TOTALLY the most un-prejudice person you will ever meet. And I'm all for people from different countries having jobs.... HOWEVER... do not put those people in a public oriented job where they are speaking very quietly and technically in a manner that can NOT be understood!!! Sigh... okay I'm done now. so it ended up being that something was wrong with my modem.

Thats right the one i got not even a week ago!!! so they sent someone to come today and fix it. And boy did they ever. Talk about one hot hunk of meat you would love to sink your teeth into!!! Now i know that I'm very deprived right now and so just about anything would probably send me over the top! I about fainted over a picture on the front of Men's magazine for gods sake!!! You would think i was not a grown woman the reaction I'm having!!...

So anyway back on topic.. sorry seem to be rambling today through this whole thing!!!Oh yea i haven't had my coffee.. made it set it to cool and never went back. See there i go again... SOO (ready girls) my door bell rings.. and there is this totally hot man standing out there... I'm sure i couldn't talk for a couple seconds so i hope he didn't notice... who am i kidding he did cause he said "Um.. I'm with att to fix your dsl" or maybee the um was cause he was so taken with MY beuty.. lol.. right... Then i led him back to my bed room.. heheheheh (evil giggle) where my computer hookups and laptop were at. So he does his stuff and goes to the truck to get the new router.. in the mean time I'm trying to breath and not giggle while hes gone... feeling like I'm all of 10 right now..... so i quickly try to call my neighbor Ms. Independent just figuring if I could say to someone "OH MY GOD THERE IS A totally HOT PHONE GUY IN MY HOUSE " it would somehow make it better... alas she was not home and i had no time to call anyone else.. and then he asked a question about my router... and i mentioned that no it was not running through it because i could not get it to work... and then he looks at me and says well I've got a few minutes.. let me try to help.

now any of you out there reading this who have been or are going through what I'm going through and also have a Mr. could-have-been know that I'm totally just like a little puddle in side of myself right now.. saying come on stay cool.. lol.. so he starts doing this totally hot computer guy thing clicking and typing with those great fingers (even if he was a two finger typer.. i mean really who needs more than two fingers anyway.. i mean (cough cough).. sorry) and goes there lets try it now.. and voila.. i'm now sitting in my living room with Allyse and Fred playing on the floor blissfully un aware of the thoughts running through their mothers head right now!!! AHHH.. wireless is great... well at least till the next storm anyway.

My frame

So obviously i have two kids from he title.. Allyse is 2 1/2 and Fred is 4

I try to do my very best for them. To be there for them no mater what else in my day i miss... i cook them good food, try to give them structure in the hurricane that is their life now, kiss the boo-boos, give the baths, snuggle in bed, read the books, talk about why that flower is that exact color and why it is not one shade different... and then explain it all again. I go and i go and i go.. trying to make it so that they will look back at this moment in their life's and if they do remember it , think to them selves... that was the hardest thing that she ever did but she was still a great mom while she was going through it.

If i could someday here those words come out of the mouths of one of my little angels then I will know that i have made it through the other side of the tunnel I'm stuck in.

I am so scared thought that while I'm crawling through to the other side trying to do all i can to take the best care of them that i possibly can that I'm missing the middle things. And come on... how good is it really to eat a double stuffed Oreo without the filling??

I heared a quote on TV tonight... "Once you become a mom you stop being a picture.... and become the frame." I loved it... but then i started thinking about my frame........... Its cracked i know that. I don't think its split through and through.... i hope not. I put a little piece of ducky tape (in Freds words) over the little cracks when i notice them. But what if I'm too busy trying to make the picture stay on the wall that i miss a crack.

What if i miss a crack and the frame brakes. What if it brakes and the picture falls.

Okay.. that was way to metaphor heavy.

I know life is full of the what ifs, and the could have been's..... i just hope someday soon that I'll get to the point of feeling whole again.... like it is okay to be me. just me. me and my babies. me and my two great kids. and that's okay. that the frame was not broken, it just needed some time to repair itself.

Leaving never never land

You can take the girl out of the country but you cant take the country out.... oh wait.. YES YOU CAN!!

So when i split with Mr. Could-Have-Been i moved from the middle of a corn field to a mid-size town. Okays....it wasn't actually the middle of a corn field.. but lets put it this way... when one of my friends were going there for the first time she called me lost.... ends up she drove right past my town and thought it was just a large farm!!!!

I have been here for a month now a little more. there have definitely been ups and downs, ebbs and flos, and pros and cons to not only my life but to my living in such a different place. Today however I am only going to concentrate on the pros..... the sheer AWESOMENESS of things as they are. Cause lets face it who wants to be depressed right now!

This whole concept started the other night... lets set the scene.... the lights are dimmed.... the music is on...... the aroma of food in the air..... okay people now get your head out of the gutter.... it was getting dark out and i hadn't turned the lights on yet, the music was from "So You Think You Can Dance" and the aroma was the burned TV dinner sitting on the stove.... now that your mind is in MY life and not a book.... I have no idea why the food burned.. did it just like the box said to and when i opened it up it was practically black!! So my girl friend (back to my life people the girl who is my friend) Jo is getting ready to leave and go back to her house. I keep complaining that i am hungry... Jo keeps telling me Well then EAT something!!! duh Jo! So she leaves and i am sitting on my couch all alone thinking about how hungry i am....

Then it hits me.... I don't live in Boo-Foo anymore!!!!

I picked up the phone.....

Dialed 411.....

And......

Are you ready........

Ordered DELIVERY!!!!!! (not Digornio.. DELIVERY)

ahhhh... what a good perk. ;-)

Hmmm..

So i have a thrilling question for you all... How do you know you are to fat to go tanning??

I have just bought myself a tanning package about four days ago. I figured in my current place in life i wanted to do something to make me feel good about myself and to be a little getaway for just me.... now don't ask me why when i thought about those things the first thing that popped into my mind was-"HEY.. I know.. how about i get in a little round tube with glaring lights so i can sweat my ass off!!"

So anyway i went tanning on my lunch hour today.. trying to get some sort of color on my pasty white body. So i get back to work and think man i think i may have burned my back. Who knew that the areas you have NEVER let see the light of day would burn the worst! okay well actually it makes a lot of sense i guess. SO anyway I'm in the bathroom at work thinking this and lift up my shirt to check if my stomach is burned.. a little but not to bad... so i turn around to see if my back is burned.,.................................

Then i saw it..... the proof.. the answer to the mystery question.... how I knew that I'm too fat to go in a stand up tanning thingy....

you know that little love handle area? and above it that little fatty area on your back? Oh yea you know what I'm talking about! I mean what woman doesn't! And all of you pleasantly plump women out there like myself know that it gets larger as you gain weight...

So back to the point.. I'm looking at my back in the mirror and notice as i bend just so... i saw white.. well that's odd.. there should be SOME color everywhere now!!! then i raised my hands in the air.. .and to my absolute HORROR.. under that little fatty area was a nice little white spot on both sides that never saw the kajilion watt bulbs... because .... of.... my ..... fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there i feel better now.. okay well not really.. still feel ridiculous!!! but hey what is a voluptuous woman to do??

I guess your first time is always scary and hurts.

SO anyone knows me knows that i am NOT a virgin so get your head out of the gutter people! I have blogged before on myspace but my life was much different. For those of you who don't know me I am currently separated from my husband technically but will be getting a divorce when I can. I have two great kids who are the love of my life, my sunshine, my air. And i just downsized from a four bedroom house to a two bedroom apartment... so to say the least my life is a tiny weenie bit hectic right now. since you know my background now please excuse if the blogs get a tad dark at times... you know what.. never mind.. if you don't like it then don't read it!! sorry calming down.
I have suffered from depression for a very long time.. and as you can guess... the current situation is not helping. I'm actually changing medications so am currently on a MUCH lower dose due to the fact i have to ween myself off of this one to start the other one. Has made for a not so happy me the last few... so if you know me.. and lets face it why would you read this if you didn't.... if I've freaked out on you in the last four-five days sorry!! and if it was before that... well i don't know what to tell you.. everyone needs to vent occasionally even if its not right. added to that i have always been a wear your heart on your sleeve type of gale... i consider it my best and worst trait.
Now back to the topic at hand.. first time always hurts... Because of (everything said above) I am kinda nervous about this... I feel so vulnerable to the world and all its hurts right now that I'm a little nervous. I mean really who lays out all of their life out there for anyone and everyone to read?!?!??!?! okay well i guess if you are reading this you probably do too. oops. i suppose its natural to feel that way.. my other blogs (on the dreaded myspace) were witty and funny i was told... so to go from that to sometimes dark is a little scary... like letting everyone see how i really feel about things.. and come on.. my head is one SCARY place to visit!! no really trust me.. I'm there allot.
But all in all my sister from serendipity mine has convinced me to start and i think it will be beneficial to me to have someone to go and let it out.... Even if that's a little scary. So here i am. Take me or leave me. I'm funny and dark, depressing and uplifting, motivating and emotional. I'm a mom of the two best kids in the world (i am biased however) just struggling to make it day to day at this point. I hope you enjoy my blogs.