Saturday, June 23, 2007

Fart and Kiss

Okay so i figured since i was not burned any longer it was time to return to the wonderful world of fake baking.... aka going to a tanning salon. And all i could think of the whole time was hmm... am i too fat? so since I'm not really large just a quite voluptuous woman i decided i was going to solve this little problem.

I went into the Ultra tanner.. which is better than a regular lay down bed but its not the standing one... like a normal bed on steroids basically. I lotioned up turned the fans up and layed down... now figuring that my forearms were already quite colored i stuck them out the top of the tube to full extension.. thinking this is genius!! but you know.. 10 min is a long time in that position and after only a few minutes my arms got tired... so i pulled them back in and was thinking what to try next...

So I'm listening to the music taping my feet to it... and the DUH.. why don't i just push my back down really hard so that its flattened against the Plexiglas!! oh and you were right Diane... i DID miss the warm plastic sweating.... So i brace my arms a little in case they needed it and ... PFFFFF.. this huge air bubble goes from where it was on the small of my back.. escaping up under my hair.. sounding.. that's right folks like a gigantic fart!!!!

So after i get done with my nervous oh my god cant believe that just happened giggle (which from pushing back down to now is all of I'm sure 5 seconds) i figure omg.. what if i move a tad and the pressure I've created releases making that sound again!!! so in all my geniuses i decide to the LIFT the small of my back up to eliminate the air pocket.. and what does that cause?? I gigantic SMACK sound... no not like getting hit but like a HUGE kiss!!!!

I'm about to die of both laughter and humiliation by then so i just decided ... you know what.. maybe I'll just lay perfectly still till this thing is done!! I know.. brilliant idea huh!

So for all of those wondering .. I've made a few decisions..

1)If you are not a size 6 or below and are voluptuous as i am... lay down beds are the way to go! They have super strength ones so it is still faster but it moves everything around nicely when you lay down....

2) when in said bed.. DO NOT move around!! just lay freaking still and relax.. moving of foot with the music however is allowed.. as it has not thus far resulted in funky tan lines or bodily noises

3)Fake baking can be a very humorous experience for the Tanner.

Glad i could pass on my wisdom.. hope it helps.


Laura said...

I just discovered your blog today thanks to gray matters (she rocks my socks!) and thought I'd post a little comment.
Today's post made me giggle. Actually, it made me laugh aloud. for a full minute.
I've never fake baked, but if I ever do, I'll know not to move my over-size-6, voluptuous self, thus avoiding kissing and farting noises that may occur. Thanks!

Pokey Puppy said...

lol.. glad you found your way here laura... hope you read the first part too so that you dont stand up either!! lol.. thanks for coming hope to see you agin. :-)

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO. Omg You kill me!

Tracy said...

As a voluptuous girl, I appreciate the advice. I can never lay still in those things. I swear, I get excited about going, finally ten muinutes of quiet and stillness and then like a minute in, I'm ready to go.