Raise your hand if....

So if you read my last post raise your hand......... oh wow.. well thanks... No of those people, raise your hand if you saw a breakdown coming from putting up my Christmas decorations. Okay.. now why am I the ONLY one who does not have their hand raised!!

So I started pulling all the bins out from my little storage room outside off my deck. It was nippy, I was happy. The kids were eating lunch. I got about 1/2 in and it started snowing. It was perfect. Just like I would have hoped. I love Christmas, and love decorating for it! However as I started to unpack the first bin the unbridled excitement in the kids had me stoping to put them for a nap. Which they naturally first protested to, but after promising to put the tree up after they woke up and only if they slept.. they went right down! Then a mere 1/2 way through bin number one... I hit some things that I had not thought of. I took Christmas stuff down in the end of January for once last year... yes I'm the one known to have some Christmas items up year round. Anyway.. Dick and I separated in May so obviously the Christmas stuff had not been separated, and I had not thought of it.

We have this little restaurant here that has a gift shop with cute little things. The year we got married I went to take a walk around and look and found this adorable little figurine of two snowman wrapped in a quilt with a sign that said "We got hitched in 2001" It was the cutest thing so I bought it. And we were sure that someone was tracking our lives when for the next two years the same line was there for Christmas but the snow-family was following OUR lives! The next year was a pregnant snowman... errr.. snowwoman holding a ice cream cone. Year after was the couple holding a baby. Now the year Freida was born there was no figurine to co-inside which was upsetting. But.. those three little figurines were probably one, well three, of my favorite things year round. I LOVE them.. they meant sooo much. The milestones in my life that had meant so much, right there in my favorite snowmen.

So I came across the first one and sat for a minute or two holding it remembering buying it, the excitement, how long I kept it out. Then just as i started to stuff it back in my emotional box and go on, I ran across the second and third. I was trying desperately not to cry. DESPERATELY. The kids were sleeping, I did not want to wake them up, and damn it I did not want to cry. I have not cried about him, us, or the lack thereof in a LONG time. Problem is I tried to stop it so much i started to hyperventilate. I actually could not breath. I think that is the only actual time I have hyperventilated. So (as if i needed an excuse) I grabbed the pile I had for gigi and brought them to her house. Naturally as soon as I walked in the house she knew something was wrong and hung up the phone. When she started to get me to talk I finally broke down and just cried. God it hurt. and felt good to finally let it out. i guess I should have expected it.. but I didn't stupid me.

I bring myself back to something I said to someone just yesterday to help them out. It wont be easier, but it will be better. And it is. Just didn't see the sneak attack coming in that little bin. Phhwww. And in going through my storage I have like three bins out there from my "previous life" that need to be gone through. I think I'm going to try to do that this coming weekend when the kids are gone. Planing on getting a bottle of wine.. okay a couple bottles and dispersing of any more hidden things.