So so sorry all

So I knew it had been awhile but seriously... 19 days since I last blogged! Don't ask me how I have survived for goodness sakes. I'm sorry to whoever got the bitching out lol... SO whats happened.. Christmas was great.... And hard. I love seeing the wonder on the kids face but I'm so happy its over.

Fred gave me some memorable quotes.. I have officially been "Duh'd" by my 4 1/2 year old.. that was one for the books. He opened up a pirate ship with Captains and was so amazed he proclaimed loudly.. "Holy Shoot!!" To which I said.. we should not say that again dear. We were at my dads Christmas and Fred came down holding his new shirt out saying it was wet.. it was just a little splatter but with a boy you never know.. so I asked.. How did your shirt get wet? He replied : Because I was washing my hands Me thinking uh-oh: Why were you washing your hands? Fred: cause I was touching my Pee-Pee! (said very matter of factly) Me: OH! Um.. and why were you touching your pee-pee (as if I want to know) Fred: Cause I was going potty (said with a duh kind of tone) lol. kids gotta love em.

Boyfriend.. who has yet to be blog named .. and I are still going strong. Definite possibilities there for the future... but you know.. one step at a time. We just went to see National Treasure: Book of Secrets last night.. was very good. Yes there were a couple predictable parts, yes it was no Indiana Jones.. but I loved it and so did he. For Christmas I got him a packers desk calendar, a pair of totally cute boxers with Santa hats, and a redneck dictionary as a joke so that he can make fun of his friends back in Missouri. He got me candles, heart candle holders, and a set with lotions, cuticle creams, body oils etc.

Dick.. ehh.. whats to be said.. hes still Dick. I think he was doing really nice and then found out from his lawyer that I am entitled to part of his bi-yearly bonus... which is all his own fault. I mean if he had not been threatening to sue me then i wouldn't have gone to talk to my lawyer, and I never would have realized that I was not getting something for the kids I was entitled too!!

My mom and I went to Geneva spur of the moment today and it was such a blast! We ran into a leggings sale that was amazing.. and since my dear Freida has no but to hold up pants this was a good thing. You laugh but she is 3 years and almost 3 months.. and wears 12 month skirts, and shorts. pants have to be 2T but they must have adjustable waistbands and belt loops... and even then require constant readjusting!! Oh and I had the most horrible Starbucks coffee drink of my life! no seriously.. like it could have raised the dead.. and not in a its so good kind of way!

I think thats it.. working allot, shopping some but not allot, catching up on sleep, being with boyfriend and spending time with family and friends. I had a great Christmas and i hope all you did too!!

the question

So this morning we dropped Fred of at school and Freida and i were waiting at a stop light. Two snow plows drove by and she asks "Mommy.. why did those trucks have kitty litter stuffs in them?" i laughed so hard.. so I explained to her about salt trucks.. but it was totally adorable!

Back to the date. I am going to see where it goes. I think I was unsure if I would see him again because I was so awkward. But Ive come to realize that it was not awkward Bad.. just awkward unknown. I mean Dick was my first everything and I haven't actually DATED that many guys since. So going out with someone that you don't know and that doesn't know me is a little strange. He actually came over last night after kids were long past asleep and we sat and talked for a couple hours then he went home. It was nice. The thing is I'm not sure if the attraction is there. But I'm giving it a chance and well see where it goes. Hey after all whats the worse that can happen? I can spend a couple weeks having fun?

The Date

SO last night I went on a date. Yes I know calm down... me ... on a date!!! lol. I'm not a member of this dating site but I have a profile So i can look every once in a while and even send limited correspondence if I so choose. Well a guy sent me a comment, and I sent one back and we ended up talking on the phone. We have allot in common, we laughed CONSTANTLY. One of the things we had in common was liking wine. So he asked if I wanted to meet last night to go to a wine tasting. I found a sitter and was waiting for him to call to confirm that I did found a sitter. He called and said he had an idea.. although a wine tasting would be fun .. maybe we should wait to go till next time since you couldnt talk much. He wanted to go to Naperville for dinner and then for desert to a place that serves chocolate fondue. Are you kidding.. that was a great idea I said! And he was right.. better to talk.

So we went to Mongolian grill which I had never been to before and it was great! I will admit I was a little nervous when I saw bins on the salad bar type set up full of raw meat of different varieties. but it was really good. and fun to watch them make. I got a drink, he got a beer, and we ate.. using chopsticks at first then both switching to forks after a while. Then we brought the glass his beer came in to the car. It was this big mug that was really nice and if you brought it back refills were dirt cheap. So then we went back and walked down to the fondue place. it was so much fun! He opened all the doors for me, was so polite, paid for everything.

At first I was not sure if I would see him again. But I came to the realization that we have allot in common, he was funny and it was fun. I think it was just nerves since i really have not been on too many dates. and I was comparing things about him which come on.. you cant do . he will not be the same as anyone else. So I talked to him again today already. And i decided I will see him a couple more times and see how it goes. He is funny, a single dad, has a great job, we have allot in common... and come on.. hes a packers fan!! lol... So I'm chalking last night up to nerves and going from there. Well see!

Yesterday

So wed I went home sick from work, much to my horror. No sick days left since using all for divorce things... So rested up and went to work on Thursday feeling GREAT! i was thrilled as I could NOT afford to have another day off work... let alone allot for the flu! So yesterday i was giving a patient some instructions for after surgery and amid my second sentences she stopped me. She stopped me to say: "I want to tell you that you are very good at your job." Me.. a bit shocked and shy said Thank you.. that means allot to me. "No really.. i don't know if people tell you that every day but they should. You held my hand, helped me with my breathing, distracted me, noticed I wasn't feeling well before I said anything. I was terrified and you made it amazingly better." I was flabbergasted! It was such an amazing thing to be told. And you know i LOVE my job. I love going home and knowing that I helped someone feel better that day. I never knew I would have an interest in the health care field.... Although my mom did tell me when I was little that I should be a pediatrician. And now that I'm typing this before I left on Wed to go home.. a dad came back in to tell me thank you for keeping his daughter distracted... it helped alot. He came back in to tell me thank you. It felt great. You know... little things like that.. no mater how bad your day or week is.... make it all okay and doable.

Assumptions from today

There is a reason I've put off cleaning my oven for so long.... I mean seriously... shake, apply.. let sit TWO hours!?!??!?! come on... I mean I dont even remember what it was that spilled any more but since its been a little over an hour and I just tried and it was not all coming offf.. guh.. to smell so strongly it should really REALLY work faster!

I hate Small Kitchens! I had a large beautiful one in our house! come to think of it I've had a large one in all but my very first apartment. and even that one wasn't to shabby. But here.. I cant stand it. closed it small small small... its horrible to keep clean and yea I know it is an easy way out.. but you know... if you don't see it why keep it clean??

So if that is the fact it could technically go for the laundry room too right??? right!!! .. oh I hope so.

I love my kidos.. seriously... I could not LIVE without them.... Sure there are bad times, stressful times, times you just wish they would GO TO SLEEP!!! but you know.. over all... They are darn cute. and I love them to death. I would literally DIE to keep them safe and happy.

cell phone batteries.. no batteries in general.. they die to damn fast!

and yea.. same goes for lightbulbs.

:-)

Post ala Tracy

Yes thats right. I have absolutly no idea how four days goes by withought a post when i thought I missed one day! guh. where does time go. So as I'm waiting for leaving time to come around this morning I am going to do one that tracy taged us all for.

10 Things I Did This Week:

1. I went to work.

2. I brought the kids to McDonalds for a happy meal since I didnt have the energy to cook.

3. I put up my christmas decorations.

4. I made a vow to go through the boxes in my storage room to remove old life stuff.

5. I THOUGHT about washing my car.. hehe

6. I blog comented my sister like a milion times..... on one post.

7. I watched Shrek the Halls.. which was cute.. but very short.

8. I paid my babysitter... late.. sorry gigi

9. I held numerous hands during shots.

10. I ate out too much.


9 Things Still On My Agenda This Week:

1. Do laundry

2. Take out the garbage.

3. Do dishes.

4. Call the the dad i ocasionaly babysit for to see where my money is.

5. Pay my Rent

6. Go to burlington coat factory to do an exchange.

7. Drive to yorkville to work.

8. Cook Dinner

9. Check my pockets for Pens BEFORE I wash them.


8 Shows I Watched This Week:

1. Nip/Tuck.. Favorite show EVAH

2. Shreck the Halls

3. The News

4. CSI

5. October Road

6. How the grinch stole christmas

7. Without a trace

8. ESPN.. not by choice

7 Things I Cooked This Week:

1. Cereal

2. Donoughts

3. Happy meals

4. Spagetti

5. Coffee

6. Bananna

7. KFC
(Its been a bad week)

6 Things I Read This Week:

1. Surgery Consents

2. Parents

3. All about You

4. Classified Adds

5. Reindeer

6. Mouses First Christmas

5 Reasons To Be Happy Today:

1. I have two beautiful, healthy, happy babies.

2. My mom talked to me this morning

3. Coffee from the Gas station

4. I dont have to get out of my car this morning to get gas cause I did it last night

5. I dont have to pick up Freds friend for school so I had 20 extra minutes.

4 Things I Need To Buy:

1. Laundrey detergent

2. Eggs

3. Broccolli

4. cat Food


3 People I Saw This Week:

1. Gigi

2. A million Patients

3. Fred and freida

2 Things I Am Thankful For Right Now:

1. My Family

2. My friends


1 Final Thought:

Dont settle for less than you deserve just because you are scared. If you never jump you wont know what could have been.

Raise your hand if....

So if you read my last post raise your hand......... oh wow.. well thanks... No of those people, raise your hand if you saw a breakdown coming from putting up my Christmas decorations. Okay.. now why am I the ONLY one who does not have their hand raised!!

So I started pulling all the bins out from my little storage room outside off my deck. It was nippy, I was happy. The kids were eating lunch. I got about 1/2 in and it started snowing. It was perfect. Just like I would have hoped. I love Christmas, and love decorating for it! However as I started to unpack the first bin the unbridled excitement in the kids had me stoping to put them for a nap. Which they naturally first protested to, but after promising to put the tree up after they woke up and only if they slept.. they went right down! Then a mere 1/2 way through bin number one... I hit some things that I had not thought of. I took Christmas stuff down in the end of January for once last year... yes I'm the one known to have some Christmas items up year round. Anyway.. Dick and I separated in May so obviously the Christmas stuff had not been separated, and I had not thought of it.

We have this little restaurant here that has a gift shop with cute little things. The year we got married I went to take a walk around and look and found this adorable little figurine of two snowman wrapped in a quilt with a sign that said "We got hitched in 2001" It was the cutest thing so I bought it. And we were sure that someone was tracking our lives when for the next two years the same line was there for Christmas but the snow-family was following OUR lives! The next year was a pregnant snowman... errr.. snowwoman holding a ice cream cone. Year after was the couple holding a baby. Now the year Freida was born there was no figurine to co-inside which was upsetting. But.. those three little figurines were probably one, well three, of my favorite things year round. I LOVE them.. they meant sooo much. The milestones in my life that had meant so much, right there in my favorite snowmen.

So I came across the first one and sat for a minute or two holding it remembering buying it, the excitement, how long I kept it out. Then just as i started to stuff it back in my emotional box and go on, I ran across the second and third. I was trying desperately not to cry. DESPERATELY. The kids were sleeping, I did not want to wake them up, and damn it I did not want to cry. I have not cried about him, us, or the lack thereof in a LONG time. Problem is I tried to stop it so much i started to hyperventilate. I actually could not breath. I think that is the only actual time I have hyperventilated. So (as if i needed an excuse) I grabbed the pile I had for gigi and brought them to her house. Naturally as soon as I walked in the house she knew something was wrong and hung up the phone. When she started to get me to talk I finally broke down and just cried. God it hurt. and felt good to finally let it out. i guess I should have expected it.. but I didn't stupid me.

I bring myself back to something I said to someone just yesterday to help them out. It wont be easier, but it will be better. And it is. Just didn't see the sneak attack coming in that little bin. Phhwww. And in going through my storage I have like three bins out there from my "previous life" that need to be gone through. I think I'm going to try to do that this coming weekend when the kids are gone. Planing on getting a bottle of wine.. okay a couple bottles and dispersing of any more hidden things.

The Christmas Day

No.. not Christmas day.... THE Christmas day. That is today. We got up late this am.. okay does 22 minutes count as late?? Well in this house it does!! lol.. so we got up, snuggled on the little couch (don't ask me why we don't move to the bigger one!), and watched the end half of the dolly parton Christmas movie. Now this show is on CMT every Christmas season.. and I cant stand it!! lol.. I just cant stand her.. i think thats why though. But the kids were content to snuggle and watch it and not cartoons so it was good with me! Then I got up and made eggs with cheese on top, toast with jelly, and chocolate milk. A very special treat for kids who's mommy works. They are finishing up now, we are listening to Toby Keiths Christmas special. It's really great. When we are done we are making our first "Christmas House" known to some of you as a gingerbread house. Then this afternoon we are putting up our Tree.

I'm trying to make our own little traditions for our little family, the Christmas House is my first attempt. I'm quite excited. but you know, that excitement is Pre-Toddlers, Royal Icing, and candy!! I'll let you know how that goes later. hehe

My Thanksgiving was really great. very Relaxing. It was the first Thanksgiving in about 10 years that I have not been going amid 4+ Holidays! I went to my dads for most of the day, then went to my moms for a bit. I did get down at a point since i missed the kiddos. but it helped knowing that I get them Christmas day.

Oh and Tracy pointed out a typo... I am in fact a quarter century old.. not a half.. sorry!!

The quote

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
~meet joe black

You know someimes I think i should feel jaded.. or less trusting.. and I am.. in a way, to an extent. But I have to beleive.. i have to beleive that that someone is out there waiting for me. maybe he just had to go through stuff before we could find each other too. I love this quote.. it's everything i feel.

happy Thanksgiving!!!

happy thanksgiving all!! i hope everyone has a great day full of family, food, fun, and relaxation!
i have so much to be thankful for this year. Its been a hard one. And at points I wouls have said I didn't have much to be thankful for. But.. today is a good day

1)My Kids- I don't think i could have done this without the two wonderful little people. They give me hope.

2)My family-for anyone who read the comments to my last post.. yes that was my mom.. and no the apple did not fall from the tree!!

3)My friends- My rock when i needed it, laughter when i was down, and new babies to make me smile and remember that life is good sometimes

4)My Job- I work somewhere that I absolutely LOVE. and i think thats very rare. not to mention that I work for the most incredible people!

5)My Depression Meds-For keeping me up on those not so great days.

6)My Cat-For keeping me company during the lonely times

7)Breath right strips-For letting me breath from my nose again.


So there is a small list of what I'm thankful for. Hope you all have a great day!

My life is forever changed.

So I just had my life changed forever. let me set the scene.. or mood if you will..... it was 10-45 at night... the lights were low... As i was unable to sleep I rose and walked twords it. Picked up the box... opened it... and applied my first Breath Right Strip. Geesh people.. get your head out of the gutters!! So... Gigi's son is sick and they think he as croup.. and yep I think i got a touch of it as well as her. Fred and Freida have been on antibiotics so they should be fine. I just couldnt shake mine and it was so odd.. but it all makes sense now. So i got antibiotics, hooked up the humidifier, bought the tea and honey, the Delsym (aka best stuff ever) and alas still could not sleep. although that should be obvious since I'm typing this after 11 pm! anyway again back to topic... I also think I have a deviated septum so I cant breath... hardly.... out of my nose. My mama (aka smartest woman alive) had recommended the strips but i had never gotten them. While i was getting things at the store today I decided why not give it a try. I put it on.. in my partially lit kitchen and as i was applying the second side my eyes popped open wide and i actually said aloud.. OH! I know lame. BUT.. i could breath out of my nose! now seriously if i try to on any normal day breath out of only my nose i almost faint from lack of air. Since i put it on like 15 minutes ago i have only breathed out of my nose!! Why you ask?? Cause I can! With the added benefit that I'm not passing out! I know amazing. So you should try them!! they rock.. and i will probably rarely be without one at night now as well as when I'm sick for sure!

As a response for some of the comments to previous posts... The beast is no more. it is true. Well its still sitting outside but it was leaking gas, antifreeze, and oil. and loosing $5 per night of gas to the pavement was not my idea of a good time or a smart investment! I KNOW.. call me crazy. So yes. My boss and his wife bought me the new car. It is currently unnamed. such suggestions have been Beauty (aka.. beauty and the beast) Belle (see previous ()) Green Hornet. Hehe.. I have yet to decide on a name for her. And yes it is a her. last one was a him. Wonder how I have a sixth sense as to what sex my cars are... hmmm.. strange.

Lets see what else... The concert rocked, yes I'm old.. 1/2 a century, but i lived through it, hmmm .. there was something else i needed to reply too but i guess i will have to look later and add it to the end of another. Thanks Lainey for the post in my comments.. lol.. your list cracked me up. Love that some of you have come back to read me! i know I've been sparatic over last months. Thanks to all... As I give thanks for Thanksgiving... for coming back to me.

I will try to repost tomarow but if I don't, I hope you all have a great day. I am looking to my first hopefully relaxing thanksgiving in a very long time. My kids will be with Dick but thats okay. I will be at one place .... all day..... then leave to come home.... yea I know.. only one place! Every year we had at least 4 to attend since... well... since i was 16. Hope you have a good one.

Oh. My. God

Okay people... I'm sitting in my living room right now!! I know amazing.. a living room wow. ahha.. okay but this is amazing BECAUSE I'm wireless again!! It has not been working for so long.. and the reason i did not fix it sooner.. it took me two hours on the phone... four phone calls.... two to Lynksys and two to At&T.. guh.. but oh well i'm wireless again.

Oh.. and the OH MY GOD part??!???? I HAVE TIVO!! Now all of you out there who have dish you probably have either a DVR or TIVO system. And if you don't you totally should get one. anyway back on topic... My mama got me a TIVO for my birthday! I have been without recording, pausing options since may! GUH!! It was torture!!! I have missed the last three weeks of greys anatomy because i just was not here!! well.. not a problem anymore!!! YEAYEAYEAYEAYEA... Thank you mama.. it is wonderful!!

I'm technologically advanced again!!

Oh and last night I went to my birthday present to myself.. the Keith Urban Gary Allen concert. And let me tell you. Those men are F-I-N-E!! It was such a AMAZING show!!! I highly recomend it to anyone!! We had the cheap seats and still the show was so damn amazing!

10 Things I hate and love today...

So I'm not going to tell you which list is which you will have to guess..................

1) Cheaters
2) Chewing with your mouth open
3) laundry
4) Dishes
5) Leaking cars
6) Over draft fees
7) Fake friends
8) irritating patients
9) Kids who wont go to sleep
10)Migraines

1) Eskimo Kisses
2) Ratatouille
3) My new car
4) The thought of how big my pay check will be
5) Sheets that smell clean
6) Hot, Candle lit showers that are a little to long
7) My bitches left over spaghetti, so i didn't have to cook
8) My mama
9) Diet Dr. Pepper
10)New babies

Tag Your It!!

I've been tagged!! And i love it!! lol.. So here goes Tracy...

8 Things about me that are TOTALLY embarrassing:

1) I have been to one concert in my life... are you ready... Clay Aiken! okay So I totally loved it but you know.. everyone else thinks its totally embarrassing so it counts! of course.. as of this Friday i'm going to another one so that stat will change!

2) One very very VERY lonely night I was drunk at a bar with my bitch and wanted to go home with a guy who we lovingly refer to as "Skater Boy" aka.. clothes to big, to quiet, dirty long hair... ugh Thanks GiGi for not letting me!!

3) Sometimes when I'm home alone I catch myself talking to my cat!! But I only have one cat so I don't think that makes me the crazy cat lady yet.. right?? okay Apollo answered me and said no thats normal!! Whew.. oh wait.. there I go again

4)I am H-O-R-R-R-R-I-B-L-E- at taking my garbage out to the dumpster!! i know.. it is embarrassing.. on my landing right now are two bags!! I mean.. my brother did it growing up.. then i moved out and it was the guys job so Dick did it... but now... well now there is no guy to do it.. sigh...

5) Once I decided to trim my pubic hair before my Gyne appointment the next day and got thebright idea to use an electric trimer for the first time.... well an accidental bump later.. i ended up forced to shave it all off or look ridiculous! and then i got a razor burn so i went bald and rashy!! hindsight.. I'll risk looking ridiculous next time!!

6) In 4th grade a boy kept putting love notes in my coat pocket for me to find later.. however when i finnaly told someone.. ends up they were for my sister and not me!!!!

7) short hair, perm, school pictures... really people.. need I say more?

8) Today for lunch i went with a couple of girls to Jimmy Johns... I was standing with one and a random guy waiting for our lunch to come up and the man behined the counter goes "FIVE!!" and I looked at him odly cocked my head to the side and said.. was I supposed to get an order number?? .. um yea.. they call it out by the sandwich number.. no order numbers.. he laughed.. my friends laughed... i was mortified!! lol

So Lets see.. I tag...

1)Gypsy at Runing from the Lows
2)GiGi at Pieces of My heart
3)Mrs. Jo at High on Life
4)Lainey at Life is Just So Daily
5)Sheri at My minivan is faster than yours

I got a car!!!

So Today.. I got a car!!! Thats right! Me.. a new car... no more driving the beast!! It was leaking oil gas, and antifreeze!! Soooooo my boss.. yes i said my boss and his wife.... bought me a car!! They got it from his brother, I know they paid for it, and I know that they put a nice chunk of change into it this weekend as well as their time fixing it. And they wont let me pay for it. not a cent! To say they are the most amazing people is an understatement! I mean he kept saying Calm down its not a farari!! And i was like.. well it might as well be!!! lol... Its a green 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix... and i love it! It doesnt leak, it doesnt smell like gas... its not bigger than a semi truck... and you know... i figured out a way to thank them. I mean not just a thank you card will do.. I mean... they bough bunk beds so my kids didnt have to sleep on the floor, got me a table and chairs so they didnt have to eat on the floor, and now gave me a car so i wouldnt blow them up!!!

Soo...

I'm going to take the kids and the three of us are going to get a tattoo that reads "The _____ Rock!!" of course their last name is in the blank... that might do it huh?~!?!?!?!?

The School Bus Stop

So as I got to work today I kept being asked... "Soooo how are youuu today??" I said "well.. I got here today and that is a great start!!" lol. The car is up and running now. Not fixed.. I cant say its fixed. But its running! so thats a plus.

I'm soooo bone tired when I get home from work!! I usually work 4 days a week and for this and the next two i am working 5. And although I run around like a maniac all day at work... these last four days.. oye vay... I'm cleaning, organizing, fixing, finding.. I am actually surprised that I am so tired because of the physical strain of my everyday job. But you know.. A little tv and rest time at night and I'm making myself be in bed by 10 so last night I watched Nip/Tuck which is my veryyyy favorite show! and then went to bed.

Oh and I'm not sure if i told all of you that I have turned into a school bus! no not that I have gotten huge,.... although I have.... but In the morning I put my kids in the car, drive across town to pick a boy up who's mom's car is broken (and usually brings Fred home from school), then drive back right behind my house to drop Frieda at Gigis house, then pick up her two sons. Then I drop the big kids at their school and then drive and drop off Fred and his friend to school... and then finally head out to drive to work! AHHH!! Its a hectic morning which has me g3etting up at 5:30, and being out my door by 7:20 and not leaving town until 8!!!!!!!! So yes.. I'm a school bus!!!

The Broken Day

Yes thats what I've named this day... which I'm glad is over.. or nearly.... The broken day. So I've known that my batterie was going dead for a couple weeks. I was just trying to get through to this Friday in order to get a new one as they are not cheap. So I was on the phone with my mom on the way to work this morning. She was trying to get me the back way to one of our offices that I dont usually go to. So I'm almost there... and my car starts sputtering.. I could only get it to go 45 miles per hour.... I kept saying Oh crap.. oh its gonna die.. oh crap.... At least thats all I can remember saying along with I didnt know where I was to have someone get me. Although there were probably other explatives that went along with it. So then My phone dies on me. Okay well it lost signal.. Great i think.. but at least mom gave me the next two turns so I can find my way. Well I was nervous to stop at the stop sign with my car acting the way it was.. so I looked both ways not a car in sight and I went. Well................... half way through the turn my car died... thats right.. D-E-A-D dead as a door knob. It took all my strength to get my car off the road as much as I could... Call my mom and freak out. she said she would call a tow truck and I needed to call work to have someone come get me.. yadda yadda yadda.. doing her best "mom" voice to try and calm me down. I'm like Okay okay okay okay.... so we hang up and I call work and just sit there gripping the steering wheel trying to just breath till my coworker got there. All the time thinking I have no money till Friday what am I going to do?!?!?!?!?!?

So She gets there and picks me up, as my phone rings and its my momma reminding me to get anything important out of my car. Oh and that she couldn't get it towed. WHAT!!!!!! Okay back to freak out mode... to which I was cut off by her stating that she called the tow truck company and they said No I can not send someone to tow the car and that it was because My boss had in the mean time already called and got one to get my car! OMG how nice.. I know I work for the worlds nicest people. So then I get to work and he tells me it was towed to a shop that is good and reasonable price and they would call when they found out what was wrong. "Okay thanks" I say out loud when inside I'm thinking..."I'm 45 minutes from home... no car to get home... no money to pay for the broken car to get me home...'" sidetracked by hmmm whats that noise?? well it was my phone telling me it was dying! nice huh!! So I turn it off. Phone call after phone call after hour after hour later.... They call me that the car is done.

WHEW!! Oh wait... what did he just say?? "The alternator is fixed but you know that car really needs other things fixed right?" Says Mr. Mechanic Man Yes I state, the brakes are going out and its leaking oil. That was all you found.... right?? Well he says yes and... (the pause that scares you) It is leaking gas. WHAT THE #$(%*&#@Q)#$*#%R&)Q##&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE JUST PUT A NEW GAS TANK IN IN APRIL BECAUSE IT WAS LEAKING GAS!!!!!!!! And he says.. calmly.... that he isn't sure where it was leaking but it was definatly my car and it was definatly gas... and... that he doesn't recommend I throw any cigarettes out my car window. Nice.. humor..... good try Mr. Mechanic Man.

So my car was ready, my phone was dead, then I broke the radio at work, then I broke two pens at work, then I almost dropped a heavy shelf and broke my head! I know whew that that didn't happen. And then to top it off I got Mrs Jo a job cleaning an office and was supposed to walk her through it tonight. But after getting it fixed, finally getting there to pick it up, driving the long way home (since i no longer remembered the directions after all that), and traffic.. Well I just could NOT do one more minute. So I had to bail on her.. again.... and couldn't even call to tell her earlier since my phone was dead and wouldn't turn on... and have the other lady show her what needs to be done on Thursday morning..

SO I broke my car, my phone, my pen, my radio, almost my head, and my friends heart.

geesh.. broken day i would say!

My new business venture

So I laughed when i looked at my page after my last post. It started with.. well I've missed a couple of days. When intact...... It was almost a whole week!!! lol.. oops. darn secretary anyways! She keeps making those kind of errors on my blogs. hahaha

So this is my childless weekend. And I started a new venture. gigi babysits as you all know.... and takes every other weekend totally off. Well she watches a little boy who's dad works the weekend that she takes off. He is such a cute little thing.. well call him Munchkin. So I offered to watch him. Today is my first day.. Munchkin is a dream child. He gets here at 5:30 AM goes back to sleep till 9 AM. takes 1-2 naps and plays wonderfully. So I have accomplished something... I make extra money, get my baby fix,, get to sleep in, go wherever I want... i still get to do everything that is important when its my off weekend... and get paid for it!! I just got done cleaning and vacuuming. I forgot who easy it is to do that with a 12 month old as opposed to a 3 and 4 year old!! lol. He just followed me around laughing and smiling. Where as the older kids... they stop me, ask questions, tattle tale etc etc etc. I'm having such a good time with the little guy! And hes gone before i would want to do anything at night! Its a great way to make much needed extra money!

Well I missed a couple days..

Sorry.. I've been trying hard to get on here daily. Today i had a meeting in Yorkville and didnt get back to my normal office till 2:20 pm. then I had 27.. yes I said TWENTY SEVEN... voice mails that came in to all three offices that I personally had to take care of!!!! So I didnt get done with those till 4:30 amid the other string of calls coming in from everyone calling back since all offices were closed till that time! sooo.. I still had to get all charts ready for Monday complete with any paraphernalia that goes with them... and copy a chart to be picked up on Monday.. all in 1/2 hour. Needless to say i did not get done. So now I'm home waiting for Dicks mom to get here to pick the kids up since he would not take them till the morning and I said.. I'm sorry I have things to do.. since after all he always has a reason. And then.. thats right.. I GET TO GO BACK TO WORK!!! I got about 1/4 of the charts prepared so I have to go back and do the rest as well as needing to copy the patient chart. Yea... I'm so darn excited. :-! Oh wait.. no I'm not... I'm FREAKING EXHAUSTED!!!! I want to go get a bottle of wine.. lay on my couch.... drink it... and veg out!!! guh. Well oh well maybe when I'm done I will just cause I can. Talk to you all soon.

Oh and P.S. Thanks for all your support through everything I've been going through. You guys are great!

This Blog Is Rated:

So ... I'm not sure but i think I've mentioned that Dick has not been getting the kids for his visitation. So this is his weekend. You know.. that one time that i get two not even whole days to do as i please.. and what i need to get done... god bless my children I don't know what I'd do without them.. but when you are the sole responsibility of two toddlers.. a break is in order every once in a while. And I'm trying to not feel guilty about that. So The phone just rings

**** WARNING: this is where we go rated Dick*********************

It is dick.. and he says.. if i have to get the kids later and not early on Friday or not get them at all this weekend would that be alright? I'm like.. and say.. "What!!" in calm horrified amazement... he says.. Do you remember Angel (name changed) I say who? as my brain is not functioning out of the shock yet. He says.. Angel Died last night and my dad is finding out when the wake and funeral is... if it is in Tennessee then I have to drive. And wont get the kids. I say "ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!? You aren't going to get the kids at all this weekend"" He then says.. I'm just fucking asking are you listening to a damn thing I'm saying!!" I'm asking if you have plans or if that would be okay" I say.. "Dick I kind of have plans... I get one weekend a month... " and then i was cut off by him saying.. "WELL I DIDN'T PLAN ON SOMEONE DYING YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!" and then he hangs up.
Now someone dying is horrible. And it was a family friend but not a family member. I understand him wanting to go. I understand him wanting to drive his dad. I do NOT understand him not taking his kids again. I NEED A BREAK!!!

Where does he get off still swearing at me and calling me names!! Seriously!!!! I'm sooo sick of it. And I cant end the conversation there cause he hangs up on me. Oh and add to the above story that he put in the divorce papers that on his weekend he is not getting the kids until Friday.. when he could get them on Thursday.. so he is choosing to not take his visitation.. he is choosing to not take them on a day when he could.. I'M SO TIRED OF IT... SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!!!

Sunday

So today I became a godparent. Gigi's youngest son is my godson. It was such a honor to be chosen. It was during church and he is a very active little guy so it was very interesting and did not want to sit still at the front of the church while the paster was talking. lol.... then right after Gigi brought him to the nursery and as walking out of the room he says very loudly BYE! which made the whole congregation laugh out loud.

Lets see what else... I made banana bread last night from a recipe i got off of recipe zarr... its an amazing site and the bread was soooo good. I'd never made it with spices in it.. it was delicious!!
I watched a movie last night. The Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith. It was soooo good. It will probably be my new cry movie. You know when you are so over stressed that you just need a good cry but you need something to break the damn!?!? It used to be the Story of Us.. but I wont be watching that for a while. The Pursuit was so touching. Reminded me that people have it worse and gave me a deep drive to better my life for my children. It was so touching.. and yes.. I balled like a baby. I highly recommend it.

I know not a big post.. but trying to get back into the swing of blogging daily.. so there was my little weekend.

This is me.

Hello all. Yes that right... Its 4:06 am.. and i'm blogging. after having visited a couple blogs to read up and leave comments. I couldnt go to bed till 12:06 and here I am having been up for like over an hour already. sigh. That means that if i didnt get to comment on yours i will try to later today. I mean... There are alot of you.... but the two little people in the other room will be up. and if i EVER hope to keep up with them in what ever our ventures today may be.... I must try to sleep again. I havent had trouble sleeping in quite a while... but have the past four days including tonight. Hopefully its all just do to stress with the divorce yesterday. So Heres hoping that i can sleep again soon!!

So Yesterday was pretty uneventfull... went to the court house with my mama as moral support. *** thanks a bunch mom****** then i sat in the court room till my lawyer got there. talked to him for a minute. then we had to wait for Dick to get there So that we could sign the papers to actually get divorced.. which his lawyer was bringing with her. (Yea thats right his lawyer was a little size two blond bimbo) So they came.. my lawyer called me out... we went over the changes most of which were done.... so i signed it. went back in waited for him to sign.. got called up to the front of the court. He took the stand... I took the stand and it was done. Afterwords we walked out. My mama asking me if i needed to talk to him or.. anything..... now to explain this after her and my dads divorce they cried through all the procedings... kissed at the end.. walked out hand in hand... then went to coffee and lunch. Yeah I know right.. anyone who knows anyone who has gone through a divorce knows that this is NOT normal. But she didnt know that. I kept saying No... what needed to be said had been said. Then I realized that he had told the sitter that we were going to discous that morning about him paying her. Sigh.. i went to call her to find out if he had when he droped the kids off so i didnt have to do this. But before i could he walked out of the courthouse. so i figured (yes i was dilusional but chalked it up to my moms stories of how nicely hers went forgeting how mine is) I would just go out and talk to him about it since he told Gigi the night before that he was going to discous it with me at just such a moment. SO i got out of the car with mom... walked to the sidewalk he was going down... asked if he had paid her this morning or what we needed to set up about that... and the conversation went down from there. I will say I was so deflated from the whole situation i didnt call him names, raise my voice, or say anything mean. But.. he did.. while yelling... on the sidewalk.. infront of the courthouse.. for all to see. And on top of that he acted like he had never even HAD the conversation with Gigi in the first place. never mind this had occured not even twelve hours before. So i turned walked back to moms car who stood looking in me at aww, horror, amazement (none in a good way) at what had just gone down... got in closed the door... and then and only then did I let the tears come out. I didnt cry in the court room although I came close... I didnt cry when he was screaming at me or even in front of him... So hopefuly that is something that i still have my dignity.

Then i went to spend four hours in the hospital!! No No.. i did not get hurt... i had to get a blood test series that took that long! They think.. and i think... that I might be diabetic. But not the normal high blood sugar diabetic.. my blood drops low like 62 non fasting low. I sweat, get shakey, tingly, light headed, tired. And at work we have a glucose meter so it was easy to check what my numbers were... for those of you unawhare that is a very low number for a non-fasting person. I mean it couldbe lower yes... but you know.. since i was about to FAINT... when i get that way i have to drink some oj to up my blood sugar.

From there things went up... my mom brought me, Fred and Freida to my sis' house. And we played with the kids, knitted, and smoked. Okay so i dont smoke, but i did take a second hand smokers brake!... okay and i didnt get much knitting done at all.. but lets face it... I WAS FREAKING EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i think the day that i had warents that. And its my blog ... so i'm ALWAYS right on here.. muahhh hahhh aaahhhhhhh.

Anyway So i'm going to make a REALLY HONEST TO GOD HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHARD effort to blog almost daily... and to call and visit people. I'm sure the visiting will not happen all so often but at least i'm going to try to call more... i promise.... I'll try ;-)

Today I switch Boxes

Okay So i'm totaly just aware that it has been like a month since i've posted. Sorry. Sometimes when i'm soooo over stressed i cant get it out on here. maybee i'm afraid the damn witll break not sure. Oh and i have un moderated my comments so they will shhow up. Sorry Tracy and Lainey.. i needed the email addy that you sign into blogger with to put you on her blog. OOps.

Anyway. Today is D-Day. Divorce Day. Today I switch Boxes. I'm no longer single, no longer maried. No I now have moved to the Divorced Box. this is not where i expected y life to be now. Or ever for that mater. But it is 755 now. my court time is 9:00. So soon so very soon I will oficially be everything i never wanted to be, never thought i would be. I will survive I will move on. Hopefully better things on the other side. Who knows. Only god. this is what I want and need. Everything he does just solidifies my decision on that. There may have been a couple thoguht of changing my mind early on but not in a long long long time. Today it will be over.

I am Divorced.

Pieces of Guins heart

So... I have disabled my coments so that they are hidden. My Bitch Gigi over at pieces of guins heart.... has been... how to put it... infiltrated!!! Lucifer has discovered her blog.. okay discovered it along time ago... and has been using it against her. SO.. if you havent gotten your fix of her that is why! Also she is now online... so.. (you better read this gigi) she will be (had better) blog daily!! Just send a comment to this blog with your blogger sign in, email, and name... and i will pass it on to her... you will then be able to get into her blog again. I promise we will not use it in any way that you would not want. Just this one thing. Thats all.

Want to laugh??

so my mom just sent me a link that is so great. If you watch good morning America you may have seen it. but if you are like me and only see things on video, nick jr, or Disney... then here you go..



hahha.. omg.. that had me laughing SO hard!!

So i bring the kids to the dr this afternoon. In an hour actually. okay geesh.. less than an hour due to paperwork needing to be done. Its a new guy.. not new just new for us. My daughter has a chest situation that needs to be monitored not really sure of many details or name actually.. so I'll post more this afternoon. And as for my son.. well if you've read me for a while he doesn't sleep. Well he does but not much, and it is a headache... and I'm worried there might be a reason. I've also had a few people ask me in the past months (two to be exact) if I've ever had him checked for add. oye. time will tell... i would be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed through my head too. But just one of those things you don't want to think might be. BUT that could also attribute to the sleeping. and whatever i need ot do to make him sleep, so his sister gets the sleep she needs, and I'm not so worn out.. I'm on it. I don't want it to be so.. but if it is then at least i can help him.

So maybe i will post this afternoon.. but had to get you this you tube.. hahaha

today is the day

Well today is the day folks. My baby is Three... Happy birthday Frida. she is getting so big. I swear three weeks ago she woke up two inches taller... okay well maybee thats how much shes grown since last winter.. but its alot for such a little peanut! But i decided it was okay since when i put her little skirt on her this morning it was a perfect fit.... and it was a 12 month skirt... and she is three today!! lol... so she is and always will be my little peanut, my little bit, my lil bean. sigh. her ladybug birthday was on this past saturday. It went good. i had a little breakdown the night before when i had a cake-tastrophy. About how it all had to be perfect and it was so much less then ever before and yadda yadda yadda. Thanks for the ear and shoulder mom. But you know what. It was perfect. She loved the cake. she loved the presents. And she loved having a park to play at. Of course it was mostly for the other kids since she had to stay up and get all the grown up atention from the adults since it was allll about her. lol. It was funny this morning when i told her happy birthday little bit you are three today!! She says to me... "Mama I was three at my ladybug party... not today silly goose!" I tried to explain but then gave up.... but even though she doesnt understand and she thinks it was the other day. I think i will still possibly maybee take them to ice cream tonight. Maybee :-)

So ive decided... Maybee I will make it. Maybee my kids wont blame it all on me when they are older. Maybee i wont shrivel up in a corner and die. Maybee... but then again i'm writing this mid day and i'll probably feel diferently tonight! lol.

Quarter Life Crisis

So we have all heared the term mid-life crisis. Well I've decided I'm having a quarter life crisis! i mean come on who can blame me. this year: I will be 25, Will be divorced, My baby will be three. Pick one, pick two, pick them all!! Any one is reason to be FREAKING OUT!!!! Okay maybee thats a little extreme but.. oh wait... no its not!!! How can you feel like everything you are going to accomplish in life has happened and not even be freaking 25 yet!!!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?! FREAKING OUT HER PEOPLE>>> FREAKING OUT!!!! So in a... okay mildly drunken.... episode of watching TV I got it. My B-day is November 12th.... SOOOOOOOO (Thanks to my mom since i don't get paid till Friday.. THANKS MOM) I will be going to a Keith Urban concert on November 16th!!! Oh wait.. not just Keithy-poo... but FREAKING GARY ALLEN TOO!!!!!! I know.. I'm so flipin excited. I mean i figured if you are going to be freaking out on the 12th why not have something to look forward to and snap you out of it on the 16Th.. right?? AGREE WITH ME HERE PEOPLE!!! TRUST ME.. I'M A WOMAN ON THE EDGE... AGREE.

Okay sorry.. might have.. okay ... i DID freak a little there. Seriously. I thought you were not supposed to go through this until you were much older. Apparently i was mistaken. I feel like its happened, I've been there.... and its allllllllllllllll down hill from here. Damn. Shit. whoo.. wh ooo... whooo... sorry had to breath felt a freak out coming on again. Geesh.... Its not even October.. I sure hope this is not going to bet worse before my b-day.. it could get ugly. Hope I survive!

Sigh..I'm back

So I just KNOW all of you have missed me horribly.. i mean come on.. how DO you get through your day without my witty banter, blissful bitching, and absurd comments!! My internet has been out for a week.. guh. Most of which i will admit was due to me not paying the bill!! Really funny to me how they expect you to send them something back when they send you a letter.. thinking i might start requiring something back every time I send something to somebody!! lets just all hold our breath and see how that goes huh!! So then I finally got it turned on well.. payed anyway.. and they didn't turn it back on!! Was supposed to be on Sat morning but didn't actually come on till Tues morning!! I mean come on. how rude... and yea.. i did tell them i thought it was rude.
So what has happened.. I got more boxes put away and ate more junk food than i should have... turns out apparently the internet and blogging is a great boredom buster and helps avoid eating..... but also makes you not want to unpack boxes for the place you've lived for so long. haha. I finally caved and put a TV in my kids room... They are NOT to watch it at night but when they wake up they can push the movie in and watch till mommy gets up.. yea its cheap trick but you know what... it lets me get that much needed extra hour of sleep sometimes. Amazing how much you miss that rare time when your husband would do that. I rearranged some of the dressers in my kids room. what else what else... Dick came over last night to bring me some food out of the freezer from when we lived together that he didn't have room for.... IE he had to take out the chicken he would have to cook to put in frozen diners. Then tonight we got in a knockdown drag out about the fact that i had a petition for child support filed so that he could not hang it over my head anymore.... never mind that its normal procedure.. it means him paying money so he was pissed... should have seen that one coming.
Hmm... OH they FINALLY fixed the stuff in my house. My dryer vent was clogged, my screen door popped out of the tract and my blinds in the living room quit working. Now keep in mind that the vent could have been clogged by any tenant or that the blinds have never worked completely right since i moved in...... it took them THREE.. yes THREE and 1/2 weeks to get in to do this. You know.. since the maintenance guy is sooooooo busy here. so i had no.. or barely any... dryer for that long. Meant ALLOT of laundry duty this past weekend.. but i'm finally cought up. But on topic... I came home and saw the paper on my table meaning that it was all done.. and i read it... and it appears to me.. THAT THEY ARE CHARGING ME $60 FOR DOING THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Excuse me!!!! is this not what i pay rent for.. and for gods sake.. any tenant could have caused these products.. like the one who lived here before me!! geesh. Guh... i'm gonna fight it.. was going to go down today
Today i was GOING to... go down to my clubhouse about that bill, go the the food stamp place to get my stuff renewed, and go renew my wick.. had a fun filled, government funded day planed. then at 7:40 my phone rings and its my office manager. My co-worker passed out this am and her husband was bringing her to the er... guh... its her, me and the girl thats been there four days. obviously i didn't have a choice in the matter.. so.... I went to work and brought Freida to the sitters which did NOT go over well since i had already told her that we were going to be together... of course yes i know.. i wasn't even out of eyesight and the crying stopped.
WHEW.. so now you are all mostly, kind of caught up and brought up to date on the happenings of my vida loca. I know... glad you weren't here huh!!

Oh yea PS.. i must not have ate too bad cause although i did not lose any weight i did not gain any either yesterday am. YEA!!

A very nothing post!

Lets see.. tomorrow is weigh in day. A little nervous.. all in all I've been good but i did go out on Friday and we all know alcohol is not the best thing for a diet! I did eat after 9 twice the past week... at least i had a yogurt cup work 1 point each time.. .but still was mad that i still ate after 9. I went to get a couple things at the grocery store today and was seduced into buying a cooking light cookbook by the amazing pic on the front, how big it was, and that it was a 20th anniversary magazine (which anniversary issues are always good) .. but as in my previous post i was HORRIFIED!! meals with a 400+ calorie 20+ fat count... my god they need to change their name.. that is NOT cooking light!!

okay off my soap box. lets see.. not to much new or interesting in my life. I was reafirmed in my if i give dick an inch he has to take a foot. This is ALWAYS how it was in our relationship and i've put my foot down for the most part. He called and asked if i could take Freida back today so him and Fred could get some alone time.. he wanted to take him to a demolition derby (which I knew he would love). For some background Freida always gets that little extra while Fred is at school. He always takes her to breakfast.. every day.... and usually wal mart. Now this year she is old enough so that her first words when he gets in the car after school are. hi Fred.. i went here and here.. and we did this and this. Now this makes him mad and i know she only does it to rub it in which makes it a little funny. But back on subject... I called him and said fine. ... I mean Me and Freida could have a good girls day. so he says he'll bring her home at 11. Then he shows up with her at a couple minutes to 10! I was like um you said 11! Then as they are leaving i say okay Fred I'll see you at six!! (the usual drop of time) and Dick is like well i can bring him home when its done! and I said.. UM NO!! You wanted time with him spend time with him not like theres not a million things you could do with him where you are going!! So needless to say he showed up at my door 1/4 to four. Now the race STARTED at one... and it was at least 40 minutes to get here. He didn't bring him around the fair at all!!! there were tons of things there Fred would have loved. And hes only getting them for a couple hours on Thursday then not till next week... seriously... he couldn't take a couple hours with his son!

Lonely

You know today is one of those days. I'm lonely. Just plain lonely. The kids are here and i'm happy mommy. I get all my snuggles.. all my i love yous. My bitch Gigi has been over so i got my complain on, got to (try to) comfort. I cooked, watching a funny show (tori and dean inn love.. I LOVE IT). I'm baking cakes for another cake order.. for my mom if that counts...lol. .. which i love to do.

But you know... i miss someone to come home snuggle on the couch with. put my head on his lap... his arm resting on my back. Someone to climb into bed with rest m head in that perfect nook of his shoulder... kiss the top of my head. or to spoon with.. i love spooning. I miss having someone to comfort me. There is something about these situations that just cant come from friends or family or kids. Sometimes i just cry because i miss it... i need it.

Blah... I am FINALLY going to get my hair done with my mama tomarow. I'm very overdue. So hopefully that will make me feel a little better. Everyone says.. Pokey.. you are young.. you'll find someone.. i'm SURE of it. Well you know what.. the problem is I'M not sure of it. And what am i going to do between now and then.... How am I going to fill this need? First of all.. I OBVIOUSLY need to get a vibrator. I know gasp.. she just said the v word. hahahah.. but you know what You need what you need. I'm a big girl who never had need for one till now. I see one in my future. Whats so funny is thats not even the need i was talking about. it was the need from the previous paragraph.. but you know..the other might help. . lol

Weigh in

Well there it is todays weigh in. Now I hate first weigh ins.. i know i've been sick and barely ate for three weeks.. but seriously.... I DO NOT look like i lost 18 pounds... i dont believe it at all. You would know if you lost that much weight!!! I'm sure of my starting weight though.. did it three days in a row before i made the ticker and started my diet... its what motivated me too.... and i'm sure of todays cause i actually did it the last two days and it was around the same.. how in the hell is it possible... I'm confused

Alli= CRAPOLA

So I've been sick sick sick. I bought the new FDA approved Alli weight loss pill on Tuesday. I have hypothyroidism so i can never find anything to help me loose weight. Also this makes it near impossible to take weight off and i just have to look at something to gain! So... Alli did not say that.. it says my medication just may need to be adjusted.. SCORE!! So i read about it thought about it.. then bought it. I took one on tues night.. then one with lunch and one with dinner on wed ( I forgot my one with breakfast) Wed night i woke up at 12:45 with the most god awful cramps i was SURE that my appendix burst or something.. it was that bad!! Well I went to bed... being single mom doesn't allow random trips in the middle of the night to the er.. or i WOULD have gone. I woke up Thursday thinking i felt a little better and maybes i just ate something that didn't agree with me... So... silly (stupid) me.... I took one with breakfast on Thursday... then went to work.. far far far away. Okay well it was only like 35-35 min away but that's forever if you feel like crap. Well.... I was in the bathroom ALL day long... almost crying due to the cramps still... but there was ABSOLUTELY no one to work for me, so i suffered through. Came home and went to bed at 8 o'clock! (Thanks gigi for putting the kidos to bed for me ;-) ) So Friday still felt crappy.. enough to think about calling to see if someone could work for me. .... i went anyway silly me.. but that's the kids of stupid ass worker I am! Damn my sense of work ethic!! So i went muddled through till lunch. I came home and decided that maybe i was a little extra tired cause i didn't eat anything for breakfast that morning. So i forced myself to eat MAYBE a 1/4 of a can of vegetable soup. Then was so sure i was going to throw it up I went and laid in bed. I had twenty minutes to lay under my fan and calm my stomach down...... wellllll problem being i WOKE UP 37 minutes later!1 AHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA i woke up 3 minutes after our first patient after lunch i ran down, drove like a crazy woman back to work.. and when i finally stopped long enough.. felt like i was still going to get sick. It was so bad (cramps were back) I actually called two people to come in for me. but I could not get anyone to come it. UGH... so i would be cheery as possible, get them in, tell Dr. Mcfooty that they were ready, then sit with my head down,,,, and repeat till end of day.

Yesterday was a swap between Gigi and my mom stopping in with things and to check on me.... same-o same-o... then today i woke up... I fell soooo much better!!! My stomach is sore.. but it think its just that sore from cramps cause its not sick sore.

So moral of the story is.. it wasn't the Flu cause i would not have just been so much better all at once... That pill definitely reacted badly with my body!! I know the possible side effects are gross if you've read about it... but what i had is not the bad side effects.. it was practically an allergic reaction.

Well If you are still reading this sorry for the gross post!! lol... I'm sure this will also tip the scale on monday... Since ive barely eaten anyting for three days. I hate when that happens.. makes me feel like its not right.. the scale reading i mean. well see.

Not so hungry hungry.. still hippo ;-)

Well its the end of day three. I must say I'm a little better every day.. yesterday i was ready to chew cardboard at 9 today i made it till 11:30.. lol.. i consider that an improvement as i have yet to find out the nutritional value of cardboard. Yesterday i only got 6 glasses of water down.. today I'm at 8!! And both days i have kept my rule of not eating after 9 in play.. although i have both nights not eaten after 8:30. Monday though.. well.. ehh.. it was okay.. did good on the not eating as much and eating better... but realized at like 10:45 i had just eaten 5 chocolate chips and a piece of bread.. yea i don't know don't ask me.. lol

Its been good though.. this is the time. I can feel it. When i get that hungry feed me now feeling i stop and think.. am i REALLY hungry? or just not REALLY full? usually its option two. So its sucked sometimes but the feelings are fading. Tonight at 8:15 i though i was truly hungry. So i had half a sandwich on whole wheat bread two pieces of turkey and mustard... and 1/2 slice of swiss but hey i counted the points. I bought the swiss before i made the resolution and at least i only used 1/2 slice not a whole one!!

My major goals in starting this (the small ones not the big ones) were to start off by not eating after 9 pm (as this was when i consumed so much) and to drink 8 glasses of water a day (i HATE water.. borrrrinnnnnnnnng) and so far I have. Yes I know its only day three.. but I've been damn good.

Much to my horror of advertising my weight for all to see.. every week I'm going to post this .. I'm weighting in on Mondays... so this is late but i have it at my weight this past Monday...



So there we go. Where I'm starting.. where i want to be.. and my BMI.. which really to most people means nothing... However.. a bmi of that number is considered obese... OBESE!!! I know i'm large but never used that word for me.. but hey .. sometimes the truth hurts.. but sometimes a kick in the gut that hurts like hell is what you need to get you going.

My next big goal is exercise. I've gotten my gazelle out from its storage place since moving. And I'm aiming for 30 minutes per night on it after the kids are in bed. i would really like to do one hour... but i figure focusing on 40 EVERY night is a good starting goal... and no one says i have to stop there!!! And i want to take the kids on a walk three nights per week at least... and once per week to the park that has a trail around it (which is genius since i can see the whole park the whole time and could be there in 1/2 a second) and walk while they play.

Real Good... Real healthy

So in reference to yesterdays post I have been "recipe-ing" all day today. Now I can tell you in the years past I have gotten SOOO fed up with cookbooks that claim to be low fat, or low calorie.. you know what 600 is not a low calorie entre!!! thats just the entre not the whole meal!!! Sure it may be less than the original recipe.. but still.. that should not in my opinion be in a cookbook claiming by the title to be good for you.

I have found that Diabetic cookbooks are really the best way to go as they are truly low cal, low fat, low sugar. All the lows I look for in recipes. I usually load up on books, but (i know mom,... gasp) I have also started renting instead of buying books! So I have created a new blog:
www.realgoodrealhealthy.blogspot.com
In which i am going to put my recipes and new ones i find to try that i consider to fit in the "good for you" category.

So go look, read, cook , comment, suggestions or what worked or what didn't in the comments. Or don't.. i did it for me.. but i hope you will enjoy it too!! ;-)

Hungry Hungry Hippo

So today.. today I'm starting a diet. Kind of Weight watchers kinda not. I don't have the money to actually go to meetings. But that's okay... I can do it (and Mrs. Jo may do it with me). I'm also not going to eat after nine pm. After that time i feel the loneliest and eat then eat again.. oh yea.. and sometimes eat again. But you know.. you always here about "The divorce diet".. PS.. you should see Gigi.. she looks AMAZING... anyway.... my divorce diet lasted about a month.. i couldn't eat hardly at all and what i did i threw up anyway... then the reallllllll divorce "diet" came out. The one where the more lonely or depressed i got, yea you know it, the more i ate. Hence me now being at my largest weight ever. Its making things worse. How can anyone love me until i can totally completely and truly love myself? I know i cant get back to the one time in my life that i actually FELT skinny and attractive... it was during my parents divorce and i weighed all of 107 lbs.. felt amazing.. could wear anything.. and looking back looked sick and anorexic. But i want to loose 60 lbs at least. 60 is my starting goal. So today.. today is the day. No more.. tomorrow, next week, first of the month.. its today people. so now.. I'm a hungry hungry hippo!! and yes I'm allowed to call myself that since I'm dieting. So I'm starving.. but at the same time when i think about it I'm not really hungry I'm just not stuffed at every second of the day. To top that off I've had a on again off again (although mostly on again) migraine for three days. So hungry hungry hippo + migraine = not a totally happy person but you know... it will only take a few days and i will be better. I'll get through it.. and I'm determined too. I will be a much happier person for it.

What else today.. Fred is just killing me.. hes so grown up all the sudden. He came in from the balcony and said.. "Freida wants me for something don't worry mommy.. I'll tell her its night night time" I said okay and waited.. he came back in and said "Oh mommy i need your help" So as i think this is very cute go in there and am talking to Her and Fred says "I know Mommy... here..." And precedes to sing Rock A Bye Baby to her.. in full.. it was THEE most adorable thing EVER............. EVER!!

And as a last parting note.. I'm going tomorrow to sign the loan papers for the retainer for my lawyer. But you know its a good thing too since it will get me credit since i have none since everything was in Dicks name... So look for later posts on how that's going.

Fruits of four days of labor..

Hello all.. i know its been a while. but as it said in my last post i've been making a cake for a baby shower that was today. So basically since last wed night my life has been cake, work, cake, cake... So the shower was today and after a very scary car ride we arived. I'm sure i get it from my mother but i had a hard time at first when everyone was saying.. "who made the cake?" "oh my its georgeous!!"... But you know.. as gigi pointed me out.. i got more used to it. Then we ate it.. and then it started the.. "do you do this for a side job or just a hoby?" "Sometimes they look good but dont taste good.. this is great!" "The cake was amazing!" And no i'm not floating my own boat.. ask gigi.. i had a hard time with the compliments right till the end... but now sitting here looking back... Damn it felt good.

Now there were some snafoos.... hopefully from looking at it you can tell that it is two presents on top of each other. It was supposed to have a huge fondant bow on top.. however... I put it together sat night... and after a couple hours it was drooping and breaking.. turns out it wasnt dry enough.. so i had to change that.... which in turn mucked up the top of the pink layer.. so i fixed it as best as i could... and you know what.. no one noticed all the little flaws.. just me.. and (except for now) I didnt tell anyone about them. So mistakes or not, what i had exactly invisioned or not... there it is.. the fruits of four days of labor and staying up till two am on sat night to fix it... And i love it. and i love that when i bake.. which is a pasion of mine... people love what i make.. and are amazed at how good it tastes...

So Fred had his first day of school this Thursday. It wasn't soo hard since he went to preschool last year. it was more hard due to the not-like-last-year things in my life now. I wont get to see him right after school sometimes for a couple of days for one. I brought him this morning (as i will every day... thank god I'm able) and of course had my camera in tow.. so i went to take a picture walking down the stairs from my apartment and he sees me and turns and poses!! and then proceeds to do this multiple times.. it was soo freaking funny. But he looks so grown up. He insisted on wearing his spiderman visor... even though "I know mommy, I'll leave it in the car" lol. But then i wasn't getting him back till Sunday night so i called Dicks dad to talk to Fred (which is the first time he has said a single word since everything with dick and I) and talked to him and then hung up and burst into tears. Go figure.. okay when i dropped him off but then loose it after hes done with the first day! But then he came home.. with his backpack... and a picture inside he made the first day of school that was "For my Mommy" ... written on it and all.

My Fred.. Year two.. day one... one mommy.. one backpack... whole lot of love and studliness in one hallway.

Oh the things we say to our children....

So we all have those things we say to our kids.. the things that we say again and again and again... and don't realize we say.. till they say it back to us!

I am making a cake for a baby shower for Gigi's sister this weekend. I was looking to see what size cake pans i needed.. and knew that i had one bigger.. but could not find it. So I'm going about in the cabinets looking... I open a cabinet and some of the Tupperware and a pitcher fall out. Which falls into the cat food bowl and spills it. I'm thinking whew at least it missed the water bowl! As this was all happening Fred was sitting at the end of the kitchen doing something and saw it all.... And this was the conversation that followed:

Fred: Oh mommy (sigh)..
Me: It's okay
Fred: Mommy we really need to try to be more careful and pay attention.

I looked at him while trying to not bust out laughing and said.. Okay Fred. I'll try.
But you know I figured.. he didn't say it mean at all.. just a little like.. oh my.. what will we do now... sigh... lol... it was really cute.

Letter to the one that i hope to find....

Dear Mr. Soul mate,

There are some things you should know about me. sometimes my life just sucks, i want a great guy and a great relationship that lasts, but at the same time I need to take it slow.... I like to look good and classy.. but also to dress sexy for my man. I am a very sexual person... but not liberal with myself either. I want to be wanted, i want someone who knows what they want, i want to be sure a guy is okay with having kids or that we may not have kids. I want someone who can respect me, treat me as an equal and still take care of me... someone who will know that sometimes i just need to vent.. that its not always going to be happy go lucky since my ex will always be in my life because of my kids.. and that may be ugly causee hes not a great person . You should know as well what i think love is.... its a spring moring rain and fresh blomed lilacs.... its a walk in the park in autumn with the leaves turning colors... its a man who makes you feel so secure that you can be yourself... its a feeling that lasts deeper than an initial feeling in a relaationship that will fade... its what you can have after forming a fantastic friendship with someone ... Its someone who makes you laugh.. or makes you happy.. in general Love= not so simple a definition. This isnt all of me.. and it'll take forever to really truly know all about me. But now you know some. Run if you will... but this is me.

Best cook book

I will admit it.. I'm a sucker for cookbooks. I love to cook, I love new recipe's.. and i LOVE cookbooks. Expecially the ones organizations sell with a compilations of recipes from people. I got one years ago... I guess four years ago... called Potluck for Patrick. It was a benefit for A little boy named Patrick who was 5 at the time and diagnosed with cancer. it was $20.. well worth it... and i must say. my VERY favorite cook book i have. It has those hard to find recipes that were always made at your family gatherings.. and a couple variations of different ones so you can usually find the one that is what you are looking for. Along the way through the book there are some cute little poems and quotes, not to mention cute recipes that are published just as submitted... like follows...

Recipe for Tomato soup by Patricks cousin...
1 can Campbell's tomato soup
1 can water

Mix soup and can of water in the microwave covered in bowl on high about 3 minutes. then stir and serve. Note:This is my favorite food, but not Patricks.

or

Elephant Stew
1 elephant
Salt and pepper
3 rabbits (jack rabbits preferred)

Cut elephant into bite-size pieces. This should take about 2 months. Add enough brown gravy to cover.. about a swimming pool size. Cook over outdoor fire for about 3-4 months. This will serve 3000 people. If more people than you invited show up, add the 3 rabbits, but only do this if necessary because most people don't like hare in their stew!!

These were seriously in there!! lol... But here are a couple poems that i like

Angel

I thought i saw an angel's face as i looked at the sun;

I thought I heared an angel laugh when i was having fun.

And when I tucked my children in

And closed my eyes real tight,

i though I felt an angel's touch as I turned off the light.

I thought I heared an angel sigh as i ended my long day;

I thought I heared an angel sing as I knelt down to pray.

_________________________________________________________________

When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you growled all day

___________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow is not promised to us, so make the very most of today.

___________________________________________________________________

Two to Wash

There are two to wash, two to dry,

Two who argue and two who cry;

One's in the mud, having a ball,

The other holds a crayon, marking the wall.

Some days seem endless, my patience grows thin;

Why was I chosen to be the mother of two?

The answer comes clear at the end of the day

As I tuck them in bed and to myself say:

"There's two to kiss and two to hug,

And best of all, there's two to love!"

I'll admit in this one in the "why was i chosen to be the mother of two" line it used to say twins instead of two. But as i read it i felt it went with how I feel allot!! So i changed it!!

FUCK YOU MISTER DICK!!

Okay.. so monday i went to the lawyers apointment on my lunch hour... mistake number one. When i get upset i get very red.. very blotchy.. and very swollen. And we are talking a sappy commercial can me get this way. But you know.. it had to be done and that was the only time i could do it.

The lawyer said that those papers was just a notice it was filed.. they were not the settlement or the joint parenting agreement. It was MOSTLY run of the mill. Mostly. But not all. That the cruel and unusual punishment and abuse thing only has to be in there if it is less than six months that you have been seperated.. and our date is March 17th... it will sooo be over six months when this is final. He said that he saw no problem whatsoever where i would not get $100 every two weeks twords child care.. hands down. That the judge would not make him pay all my fees but most likely would make him contribute to them. That he was not sure if he was trying to screw me perse but was obvious that he was using it to his advantage that i had no representation.

Now the kicker... I have 30 days from the day i was served to contest it. If i dont he can get a divorce on whatever terms he says. There is absolutly no reason that i should not be able to see the joint parenting agreement and the divorce setelment before deciding this. However.. Dick says that his lawer.. McDicky says.... that they will not be ready till NEXT thursday. Which means.. i will have less than 10 days to go over these papers, decide if i need to be represented, come up with 1500 dollars for a retainer. Basically they are trying to run me out of time... so yea .. i'm sure everything is just hunky dorey in them right!??!?!

So today Dick calls me and wants to know if he can drop of the child support tomarow instead of tonight. Keep in mind he usually gets the kids on Thursday night and drops it off with them on Fri night. But he said that he had to work and I sayed... then are you getting them on Friday (tonight) He said (this was yesterday) that his work schedule for the weekend was all screwed up.. ie in my mind.. that he had to work. So today i ask what time tomarow it would be.. he says sometime in the morning. So I'm like.. um dont you have to work tomarow? No. Then are you getting the kids tonight? I told you I wasnt. Um yea cause you implied you had to work!! WHY WHAT IN THE HELL IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO DO TONIGHT THAT YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THEM.. ITS NOT MY WEEKEND!! So is say.. i am talking about a night not the weekend.. and i am doing nothing.. You know call me crazy.. thought you would want to see them. So then he says.. well i'm not its not my weekend. I'll get them on monday. I said.. No you wont! That isnt your day to see them and i have plans. (I'm sick of him thinking he can change the visitation schedule whenever he sees fit!!! ) So hes like well whatever.. i'm not getting them tonight. I said.. oh thats okay I understand daddy is too busy getting drunk and looking to get laid to see you guys. And click I hung up on him.

Seriously.. he saw them for a couple hours on Monday afternoon.. and I mean two.. and now he wont see them again till the NEXT WEEKS thursday... because its not worth seeing them to not be able to go out!!! Oh yea.. thats if he does.. he already told me that he might not be able to due to his work. Yea my ass due to his work.

the drop off

tonight Dick came to drop off the kids in his usual manner. while i turned to walk back in with the children he asked if i was going to sign the papers. To which i replied (calmly and nicely) did you talk to your lawyer about the things i said last week? he said what things there was one. I said no... and proceeded to tell him the three. I walked in walkway with kids and he called me names in front of the kids, then slammed the door... As Fred was turning back out it to give him a hug. Fred jumped back and looked at me with shock. I was pissed that he would have such disregard for his son... so i stormed out the door (okay looking back this probably wasn't the right move) .... i barely had it open when he came .. BOUNDING over at me... i honestly do not remember if he actually pushed me back or if i jumped back to avoid being pushed.. but either way i was slammed up to the door... and he had his finger to my nose screaming two inches from my face about how i was such a bitch and i was going to pay half the fees or get my own lawyer and pay for it myself cause he wasn't going to deal with this shit......

In the mean time i turned my head to the side to turn away from him and see my kids standing watching this... with a look of horror and fright. I try to inch to the side to go to them and he inches as well... finally i get past and he is screaming that I am a piece of shit that he wishes he never met as I'm trying to talk happy to the kids over him even as my insides are being torn out. Not only at the fact of what he is saying but to the fact that he did this in front of the kids.. i get around the turn in the downstairs hallway and all the sudden both kids burst into hysterical tears. I stop right there go down to their level and hug them talking soothing and asking what is wrong. Big shocker.. they say that daddy scared them and they didn't like how he was screaming and wanted a hug from him... So i go upstairs with them call him and say "You scared you kids if you ever do that again so help you god... they want to talk to you... and passed the phone to each of them. It required twenty minutes of mommy cuddling and talking and two more calls to daddy to calm them down.

Add to that that he says when they first got out of the car that he is working Mon-Fri this week so instead of getting them overnight on Thurs that he will call me or gigi (who watches them while I'm at work) and pick them up two days this week for a couple hours. I said.. no you will get them Friday night then if you cant on Thursday night. He screams that's not how it works.. its not my weekend to have them!!! (cause you know.. god forbid it should take one night out of his partying to see his children) So i turned and looked at him and said... then don't see them if its not... your choice.

Who is this person....... I have appointment tomorrow on my lunch hour with the lawyer in my building. I am not going for anything.. i don't want anything... i just want these papers to be equal... completely fair..... but if I'm getting my own lawyer you bet your ass i am doing one thing and one thing only. I will be making him have to pay for the fees.

I'm not saying the problems in our marriage were not all his fault. We both had our faults...BUT the reason it ended the way it did WAS because of what HE did. And i will not take fault for him putting his hands on multiple other people, not coming home, or passing out while watching Fred and Freida.

Oh my Ms. Jo.. weve reached that age....

So.. Sigh.. Mrs. Jo's post made me be able to write this.

So Gigi watches my kids... And i got there tonight and the kids come out to tell me hi ( I was having her five star spagetti so was staying for a while) and lean down to hug Freida she was wet.. now she has had like two accidents in the past year and a half...... so i'm asking her why she went pee pee in her pants and shes saying i didnt!! I'm like Freida your undies are wet.. she looks at me dead serious and says. mommy.. you forgot to put pants on me today.. now in my head its going click click click... I say then.. "Freida did you just get on the potty and go pee pee cause you thought you had no pants on??" to which she replies yes.... So aparently she forgot she had undies and undie cover on and got on the potty and peed THROUGH her undies.. sigh

So THEN.. as i go to ask Fred if he was a good boy Gigi shesays.. wait.. i need to talk to you befor ewe have the conversation tonight... SO.. she tells me shes bene seeing things from Fred lately and wanted to be sure before she told me fore sure... So today she walks into the room where the kids are and Fred kisses Freidas arms.. then her legs.. then is going.. yea thats right.. so gigi walks in and she freaks obviously.. cause i guess this is what she had been wondering if she was seing for sure. I dont know if he walked in on Dick doing this with his girlfriend since they told me they were over there and daddy and Liz went into the other room. And who knows maybee they walked in on it... so Gigi went through the boys parts and girls parts thing.. then i went through the Your pee pee is your privates and no one gets to touch them but you.. so you dont touch anyone elses either...

OMG .. i know.. and then i have noticed latly he willbe touching himself.. you know my four year old.. so i say Fred.. we do not touch our pee pees around outher people

seriously.. i cant handle having to do seperate baths and dressings already.. and does this mean that i cant walk out of a room while putting my bra and shirt on?? sigh

two post day

Okay.. this TOTALLY requires a two post day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpEsNrYEssw

You will love me for it trust me

Catching up

Okay.. I've got a few questions.. and people were quite miffed that i did not tell them.. so lover boy and i are no more.. for a few weeks now. He kinda fell of the face of the earth.. but i think him and his x are trying to work things out.. which is great for him and the kids.. and suckola for me.. i miss him terribly and ... i know its bad of me... but hope they don't work out and i hear from him again sometime.

Other news ... I put in my notice at work today. I got offered a job a couple of nights ago by someone I used to work with. It is back in banking, has more pay per the hour .. only a little but its something, incentives and bonuses, INSURANCE (that's the seller). I knew i would have to get a new job within a years time due to my insurance ending when the divorce is final... and was so not looking yet. figured in about six months i would put in a couple months notice. Needless to say.. i don't want to leave my current job. It is a great job which i just love... I'm so fascinated by all things surgery... but i have to be realistic.

Its just me against the world.. and I've got my babies to take care of in the mix. I would be silly to pass up the job since what are the chances of such a great job coming my way in six months-ish?? VERY slim to none. I have no degree, experience in banking, throwing newspapers, and medical. However without a degree in some medicine related field that's pretty much out. and since throwing newspapers is non lucrative.. i knew that i would be going back to banking. Which is fine... i liked it then and i like it now.

But to say the least I'm scared shitless.. i know I'll be good at it blah blah blah.. but lets face it.. switching jobs is scary as hell when there is no second income to go back on. Add to that the beast.. not in the best condition to do driving daily... and the fact that i have NOT A SINGLE piece of clothing that would apply for that job.... scared shitless. I mean... i'll get over the scared, hope the car will hold out. But the clothes.. gonna be much worse if i show up all voluptuous woman in my bra and undies to a bank to work.. hahaha.. i know great visual. I don't even have shoes!! okay starting to freak out again... need to change subject....

So here's me... divorcing, switching jobs, loverboy-less

oh yes.. that change of subject calmed me down alright... i need to break open the wine my mama brought me from Galena......

P.S. while spell checking this i realized that shitless is not in the dictionary.. odd